(Closed) Should SO Ask My Parents Before Getting Engaged?

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
7594 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

My Fiance asked for my parents’ blessing. He wasn’t going to, originally, because that is not the custom in his culture (he’s foreign), but once I told him how much it would mean to my parents he was on board. It was a symbolic gesture that meant a lot to my parents and took ten minutes of my FI’s time, so we figured why not?

Post # 47
Member
5362 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2016

He did not. We got engaged on vacation and had already designed my ring so I knew it was coming. Before we left, I told my grandfather (I’ve lost both of my parents) that we were probably going to get engaged on the trip. He happened the day before we left. We’d been together almost 5 years and they knew we had designed the ring. He called his day a couple of hours before it happened because he was nervous, but it wasn’t a huge shock to anyone. My grandpa passed away the next day before we got home so I didn’t get a chance to tell him in person, but I know he felt comfortable leaving me in DHs hands.

Post # 48
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - The Garrison, NY

My Fiance asked both of my parents for their blessing. I think it meant a lot to my parents. I think it is odd to ask for permission. I mean, women aren’t property of their fathers after all. 

Post # 49
Member
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

View original reply
missimagination :  Mine did – sort of. We didn’t have a great experience with it,  but that’s mainly because of how my parents are.

My mother said No to him, and that night he still proposed to me. I accepted and everything and then I realized he had not asked my dad. I was upset because I had some weird sentimental feeling I wanted my dad to be asked.

Next day he did that and my dad was totally fine with it.

It was important to me I guess bc I liked it that they felt involved. Granted my mother wasn’t cool about it when it happened :/ So that kind of messed it up.

In the end it’s something that should make you two feel comfortable. If anything he could ask them the day he’s about to do it or something so they know it’s happening and feel included… but not ask them like months before he does it. 

It’s hard bc it’s also like you’re telling him how… Ugh so hard.

Have faith though WHATEVER he does and however he asks? It’ll be so memorable and beautiful bc it’s a question that starts your path of marriage together 🙂

Post # 50
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Fiance asked my parents but it’s because he’s old fashioned/traditional that way. My parents were apparently over the moon that he asked them (they love thim!).

But I didn’t care. I love my parents but it was not important that Fiance ask permission. It was more important to me that they were the first people that I tell that I’m engaged.

I’m very excited for you Bee! Just enjoy life and then when the proposal happens you’ll be happy that you didn’t spend your time before that stressing 🙂

Post # 51
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I didn’t like the idea of Fiance asking my parents’ permission, but I knew it was important to them that he let them know, and I didn’t have a problem with that. So when we decided that’s where we were heading I made it clear to him that both I and my folks would really appreciate if he gave them a call and told them he was going to propose before he actually proposed, more as a courtesy than anything else. He also called his parents and let them know.

Post # 52
Member
2686 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: County courthouse

It wasn’t important to me for my husband to ask tell my dad before hand, but when I told my parents we were engaged my parents were pissed because apparently my husband wasn’t “man enough” to ask or tell my parents. It’s pretty common with hispanic families. However if you’re parents aren’t super traditional I wouldn’t worry about it. In all honesty I see it as a respect thing between the fiance and your father. I don’t see it as a “asking permission”, but a great conversation between your father and fiance.

Post # 53
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I specifically asked my DH *NOT* to ask. I think its an antiquated tradition that I find a little bit insulting. My opinion is that unless the woman is a minor, the only permission he needs is hers. I told my dad in advance how I felt, so that he was not shocked or offended when we told him we were getting married.

Post # 54
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

If it’s important to you to have him get their blessing, you can suggest he do it right before he proposes so that their behavior doesn’t give anything away!

Post # 55
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
missimagination :  If its important to you or your family then have him ask. It doesnt matter what other people do or have done in the past. Some will think asking is archaic and others will think it greatly honors you and your family. Do whats best for you and your situation.

Post # 56
Member
25 posts
Newbee

I think it is completely up to the couple. However, I would expect my to be fiancé to ask not just my fathers blessing, but my familys as well. For me personally, it just how I was raised and the family traditions we have. 

Post # 57
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2022

Yes – I told my SO he had to ask both parents and not just my father as he’s really asking to be a part of their family. I also suggested he ask his parents because he’s wanting to make me a part of his. I think doing it like this is respectful. 

Post # 58
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

View original reply
hikingbride :  Same here! It was also important to my parents that he not ask, either. They want me to be with someone who respects me as an equal.  They believe only one blessing counted…and that was mine.

(And at the wedding, no one will ask “who gives this bride away.”)

Post # 59
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

our offical engagement was on our anniversay on feb 5 in 2015( it was more of an agreement lol), however we didn’t tell ANYONE– not my sisters, roommate or BFF until May when my parents were able to come down to visit us and he could tell them about it first.

It wasn’t important at all to me, but my husband want to make sure that when we became a family, that my parent felt that he respected them and they really appricated it, so I’m glad we waited. I know its a bit of a different situation for you, but I hope it helped a bit =] 

Post # 60
Member
2688 posts
Sugar bee

Personally, I’m not close to my parents and grew up with a single mom (dad paid child support and I’m on good terms but have never been close) — so I would have no interest in a potential mate asking my family’s permission. And both my parents have been married more than once and had some pretty dysfunctional relationships, so their approval is really not something I seek. I also am an independent person who has lived on my own since I was 17 – so it would be strange to me. I think it’s totally fine if your family is old school and this tradition means something to you, but in my case I would find it strange. Besides that, I’d like to tell my family after the fact, not have them know about it before me.  

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