(Closed) should the guy pick the engagement ring or should the girl help?

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee

brittersnicole:  Depends on the couple and how they want to approach it. What are your thoughts?

Post # 3
Member
728 posts
Busy bee

I helped pick my ring. We talked about it and decided it was more important to us that I have a ring I love that I’m going to wear forever then for it to be a surprise.

Post # 4
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

If you’re someone who really wants a surprise and doesn’t care at all what the ring looks like, and the guy is fine working within those parameters, then the guy can pick the ring. Any other option, the girl has input or picks it outright.

Post # 5
Member
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I don’t necessarily think that the girl should choose the exact one (although it’s fine if she does), but I think it’s important that she at least communicate generally what she likes:  diamond vs. other stone; yellow gold, white gold, or platinum; thick band or thin band; halo or no; round, emerald cut, cushion cut, etc.  So, for example, I told my Fiance that I like round, three stone, white gold, thick band.  And he took it from there.

Without that kind of communication, it is possible, maybe even likely, that he will pick something that she doesn’t like, and that rarely ends well.  

ETA:  the weddig band, on the other hand, I totally picked out / designed myself, and it’s in the process of being made.  I can’t wait!  

Post # 6
Member
1357 posts
Bumble bee

My original ring, my hubby picked out, but with some parameters of what I liked as far as style, shape, etc. All my subsequent upgrades over the years have been me right there in the stores, picking everything out alongside hubby, and knowing exactly what I was getting and all the costs! 

I think unless you want to be totally surprised, then it’s great to give your SO ideas of what you like and don’t like, and hopefully he gets you something you love! Not to say you should demand a certain size, or price range, etc. but at least being able to express your tastes in style, shape, and metal preferences! Taste in jewelery is so specific and there’s soooooo much to choose from, but ultimately you have to wear it so I would think your SO would want you to be happy with such a large, important purchase!!! 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  beetruz13.
Post # 7
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee

I chose my ring. My husband wanted me to get something I loved and would wear for 50 years. However, we also discussed marriage A LOT and I was involved in the whole engagement process – I didn’t want any surprises. So this worked for us. 

Post # 8
Member
3425 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

We have combined finances, and I have picky taste in jewelry. No way was I going to let him make a major financial decision without me, that I’d be left to wear for the forseeable future, for the sake of tradition. I’ve gotten a lot of crap for being so unromantic and untraditional, but I was so uncomfortable at the thought of him spending thousands of our dollars on something I may not like! 

Now if we had separate finances and I simply wanted a solitaire diamond, it may be a different story 🙂 I’m sure it would have been fun that way, too.

Post # 9
Member
1936 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I didn’t want to be there when he bought the thing, but I think it’s very useful to look together so he can get an idea of the ring you’d like. I always find it SO curious when a bride hates her engagement ring. It’s like does he not KNOW you? Do you NOT communicate? But that’s another thread… ;).

From a financial perspective, I don’t want to be directly involved with the payments, but I don’t think it’s fair to have him shell out the entire expense so I’m more than willing to take on an extra bill or put a little more into our savings on a monthly basis so it can allow him some breathing room with one expense in order to get it!

We just bought a new car which was an unexpected expense so I’ve now taken on the Rogers (we don’t have a joint account yet) even though it was never the bill I paid. (Funny thing is cable costs more than a car payment, lol)

Post # 10
Member
1837 posts
Buzzing bee

My Fiance gave me a budget and I took it from there. It made sense for us, I’m fascinated by gemstones and loved every bit of the three months I spent finding the perfect diamond. He wouldn’t have found it interesting at all. 

Post # 11
Member
41 posts
Newbee

Well, my Fiance selected the ring / setting / stone etc himself,  but I had said that I wanted a gemstone and he already knew that I prefer yellow gold. We had talked a lot about our ideas for our marriage (finances/raising children/religon etc) so I was happy for him to take the lead on the ring! That being said, I’m going to design our wedding bands so it’ll really be a team effort overal. 

Post # 12
Member
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Deoends on the couple. I picked mine out, but that was after he proposed with a little hemp ring.

Post # 13
Member
9718 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I helped pick out my ring. We went shopping together, I picked 3 that I loved and he picked the final one.

Honestly, with how many posts I see here from women saying they hate their engagement ring I’m not sure why any guy would be picking it out all on his own!

Post # 14
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

brittersnicole:  While I didn’t pick the exact ring, my fiancé and I heavily discussed what I liked and looked at rings online together. I tried on a few of the ones we both liked when I got my finger sized. He ultimately chose one that wasn’t something I originally loved, but I ADORED when I saw it on my hand. 

 

In my opinion, no engagement should be a surprise- the proposal can be, but you should discuss marriage a LOT before you get to that stage- so the ring shouldn’t be a total surprise either. This is a piece of jewelry you will be wearing everyday, hopefully for the rest of your life, so I think the woman’s opinion is important when it comes to the ring. Not saying every girl should go pick her ring herself, but her preferences need to be discussed prior to purchasing the ring.

Post # 15
Member
2340 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Totally up to the couple concerned.

The first time around he proposed without a ring. I wasn’t even sure I wanted an engagement ring (loved rings but wasn’t sure about the historic symbolism)  A few weeks later we went shopping and chose one together.

The second time around it was a surprise proposal so he chose the ring… but he had a very good idea of my preferences as I was looking around at buying a solitaire for myself anyway (I have no problem buying my own jewellery). The only differences are that I would have gone for a pave shank and he went for a plain shank, with hindsight I’m really pleased about that; and whereas I would have gone for Whtieflash or another online retailer, he went for a high end retailer which is a bit of a waste of money to me although I do enjoy the after sales service.

If you forced me to choose, I’d opt for the couple shopping for the ring together after the proposal, I got lucky with my surprise ring, I would have been disappointed had he spent a lot of money on a ring I didn’t like as I would want to wear it every day for sentimental reasons. So I would be wearing a ring I didn’t really like and forgoing the opportunity of having a ring I really do like on that finger (my right hand is already taken up with an heirloom), he would have dropped a lot of money on something with a view to making me happy (no engagement ring needed to get married) and missed the mark, – although he wouldn’t know that unless he made it clear, unsolicited that he was happy for me to change it.  It all just seems so easily avoidable,

I always feel sorry for Bees who are struggling with surprise rings they don’t like. Someone will always remind them that they should just be happy he wants to marry them. Well I don’t think the ring and the marriage are one, they are connected but not the same thing. You can be ecstatic to be marrying a man and disappointed that your one and only engagement ring isn’t your style. There is a reason we don’t generallly totally surprise each other with big purchases unless we are sure of  the recipient’s preferences. How many men would want their SO’s buying their trucks or cars without reference to their own preferences? Would being grateful for the thought be enough for them as they drove around in their top spec powder-blue Fiat 500 convertible/soft top, when they had dreamed of a pickup? I’m amazed just how wide of the mark some men manage to be with their purchases. “It’s nothing like any of the ones I pinned on Pinteret and shared with him” is a common refrain. A lot of men seem to get distracted by big, fussy blingy settings that most women see as dated. They must have a “Wow! That’s a lot of ring for the money!” moment.  Such a shame as I’m sure they set out to make their fiance happy. 

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