Post # 1
I’ll give you a bit of background. Alice is engaged to a chap called Andrew and they have a son together. I actually met Alice through FI’s brother who was friends with Andrew for about ten years. Alice and I are pretty close as we both moved to the city at the same time, we regularly catch up for coffee and before her son was born used to go out for dinner regularly. I rarely see Andrew and neither I nor my Fiance are very fond of him. He has a superiority complex, likes bragging and showing off (everything from his latest car purchase to the color of his son’s poop), and will argue with anyone for arguing sake. He’s actually the reason I left Facebook, I posted a short #metoo post and he and another male Facebook friend said women only get assaulted when they go to the wrong kind of bars etc. In short, he rubs people up the wrong way. Many of FI’s friends and family dislike him and he’s even fallen out with FI’s brother who I met him through.
Obviously, I can’t (and wouldn’t) invite one without the other but if Alice was single it would be a no-brainer. I love her. But I don’t know if we can risk Andrew at our wedding upsetting people. We already have strong opposing political views in our guest list and adding this element worries me. Technically Andrew has known Fiance longer than I’ve known Alice so I’m also aware that if we do invite them there is a good chance Andrew will come without her if they can’t get a sitter. Unfortunately, we can’t accommodate 30 of our friend’s children and are limiting it to family only.
So, would you invite them?
Post # 2
They are a couple unit, so they need to be invited together. Because if you invite both, they may both come (they may not). That’s a risk you take if you invite both.
The question to ask is, is having Alice attend more important than Andrew not attending?
Post # 3
I wouldn’t. In fact, just his comment to your #metoo post would be reason enough to not only exclude him from your wedding, but also from your life.
Post # 4
Yikes…I would not want that guy annoying my guests and bringing down the mood on my wedding day! Does Alice know about all this or is she oblivious to the feelings of animosity that you all have towards Andrew?
If she already knows, then I would just tell her what you’re saying here: that you adore her and value your friendship with her, but that Andrew’s presence will make several guests uncomfortable (especially after the fallout with FI’s brother, that’s a big deal!), and that you respectfully wish him to keep a healthy distance from the event.
If she doesn’t know…well she’ll find out soon enough I guess, lol. I really can’t think of a way to breach this subject without hurting some feelings, but it sounds like it just needs to be done :\
Post # 5
Someone that argues on a #metoo post would be an automatic no. Gross. I’m sure Alice will end up getting used to not being invited to things because of her pig-headed ‘man.’
Post # 6
I personally wouldn’t invite them. It doesn’t sound worth the trouble it may cause. Hopefully she’ll be understanding about not getting an invite. That’s a tough situation.
Post # 7
I personally just wouldn’t invite them, as I don’t really see any other way around it. You definitely don’t need his toxicity at your wedding, and unfortunately you can’t invite one without the other. You said you’re limiting invites to family only, however neither Alice nor Andrew are family, correct? Just friends? The discrepency here lies in whether or not this is actually a family-only thing or a family-and-close-friends-only thing. If it’s just family, of course they’ll have to understand not making the cut. If it’s family and close friends, things could get a little sticky (if you consider her a close friend and vice versa). Either way, it’s rude for someone to ask why they weren’t invited so I wouldn’t anticipate having to discuss it with her (and I wouldn’t bring it up yourself, either). If she does ask, tell her the truth.
Post # 8
Ugh. What an obnoxious twat!! As PP mentioned, you’ll have to invite them as a unit if you decide to invite her. I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t. I suppose you’ll just have to decide if it matters more to have her there or more for him to NOT be there. Do you think he will be inappropriate in that sort of setting? If you choose not to, you might need to have a short chat with your friend, so she understands why you aren’t comfortable. It’s sure to be a sore spot for her (potentially) if she knows you have deliberately excluded her. It’s much better to let her know ahead of time, in a personal way, rather than leaving it to her imagination.
Post # 9
I say don’t invite either. People who can’t display basic manners in public should not expect to be invited to public gatherings.
Post # 10
That is SO hard. I wouldn’t want anyone like that near me on my wedding day, but you also don’t necessarily want to damage your relationship with Alice.
What is your relationship like with Alice? Would you be able to sit her down over coffee and explain that you’d love to invite her but there are some issues with her husband? You don’t necessarily have to frame it as “I and everyone else hate your bratty husband,” but could mention specific instances of friction. If it were me I would reference the comments on facebook and say that that mentality is troubling and traumatizing for you, and/or mention his falling out with the brother.
Post # 11
Yes, this ..” I would reference the comments on facebook and say that that mentality is troubling and traumatizing for you, and/or mention his falling out with the brother.” that
wolfeyes :said. Unless you think that would trouble her too much , it is hard to hear your SO is unwelcome and unacceptable even if you know it ! If you do think it would be upsetting , nothing much you can do but not invite them..
Post # 12
sorry for not clarifying. We’re only having family children. We’re inviting friends but not their kids.
I don’t know if she knows people aren’t fond of him. We do wonder if he would be better around people he doesn’t know as well.
Post # 13
You said you “love” her and see her often. I’m assuming then, that losing her as a friend would be rather painful ….
Is it *worth* the loss of her friendship in order to avoid having her jerk of a fiance attend your wedding day? If so, exclude them….
Post # 14
To me this isn’t even a wedding issue so much as a friendship issue. The question of whether or not to invite them to your wedding has simply necessitated that the friendship issue be dealt with.
There is no way Alice doesn’t know of her husband’s behaviour, he’s certainly not making any secret of it, in fact he feels entitled to publicly share his controversial, offensive opinions both on social media and in social situations.
So in my opinion, Alice is fully aware of his opinion. The question is- does she secretly share his opinions but is far less outspoken about them for fear of offending or has she, for whatever reasons of her own, chosen to turn a blind eye to it.
If Alice is your good friend, you should be able to ask her some hard questions about her husband’s views and behaviour. If her response is akin to ‘well I mostly agree with him, I just not as outspoken about it as he is’…..then maybe you don’t know your friend as well as you thought and this may cause you to rethink being friends with her.
Or she could be turning a blind eye – or pretending to turn a blind eye- to his behaviour and this is a little murkier because the next question is ‘why’? Is she condoning his behaviour with her silence about it? does she have a ‘boys will be boys, just don’t pay attention to him’ attitude (I personally find this attitude infuriating) or is the poor woman feeling trapped with a new baby and a husband whose increasingly boorish behaviour has her wondering what she ever saw in him? If it’s the latter, I wouldn’t abandon being her friend but would be there for her to vent to/ perhaps give advice to.
But I wouldn’t invite them to the wedding. It’s sad to exclude Alice if she’s already feeling trapped in an unhappy marriage, but IMO having an offensive outspoken misogynistic rape-apologist inflicted on your guests outweighs including Alice. Perhaps knowing her husband’s offensiveness has cost him friendships and invites and that this is spilling over onto her will make her realize the seriousness of his actions. As their child grows older too, this is not somone whose warped views should be inflicted on a young impressionable child.
The man is reprehensible and unfortunately Alice is going to be negatively affected by being married to him. If my husband is a racist, for example, it isn’t enough for me to claim that I’m not a racist….because by being married to him I’m going to give the impression that I’m either a closet racist myself or I simply don’t care enough about the issue of racism for this to be a deal breaker for me. And if I choose to stay with him it shouldn’t surprise me that people who don’t want to associate with him don’t invite either of us to their events. Bottom line is that Alice is married to a rape-apologist and will have to either leave him or deal with the consequences of being a package deal/ social unit with him for events like weddings, parties, vacations, dinners out etc.
Post # 15
OP, her husband drove you off of Facebook with nasty comments ridiculing your recollection of being harassed or assaulted. This is reason enough to not invite them.
Also, I’m tired of people like him being given a pass to intimidate others out of participation in public spheres like FB. The biggest jerk shouldnt win the bully pulpit of public debate by default because they’ve driven decent people underground.
your friend needs to understand the consequences of his behavior.