(Closed) Should they pay if the wedding doesn't happen?

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: If you were a BM and the wedding was called off, would you expect to be paid for the dress?

    Yes! If I spend all that money on a dress for an event that doesn't happen at any fault of my own!

    No! That's just what you sign up for as a bridesmaid and I would never expect to be reimbursed.

  • Post # 17
    Member
    429 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    Depends why the wedding was cancelled, if she cheated on her Fiance or something like that then heck yeah I’d want my money back but if it was a family emergency or he just up and left her or something out of her control then no absolutely not.

    Post # 18
    Member
    5669 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I wouldn’t be a Bridesmaid or Best Man unless I was close to the bride. And in that case I would be supporting her and more worried about her well being than the money I already spent on a dress.

    I think the bride should at least offer or even if she doesn’t have the money she could apologize to the Bridesmaid or Best Man and let them know that when she gets back on her feet she would like to reimburse them, most BM’s would turn her down.

    Post # 19
    Member
    4042 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I would be irritated at a $300 dress regardless of whether the wedding happened or not! I wouldn’t expect to be paid back, that’s just part of accepting to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.

    Post # 20
    Member
    602 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I was just recently in this situation….  I think it 100% depends.  I,  along with 5 other girls,  dropped out of the wedding b/c of something the bride did 6 weeks before the wedding date.  I guess it was “my choice” to drop out,  but I felt like it would have been the “bigger thing to do” to repay the cost of the expensive dress.  On the other hand,  I never expected it or told her to,  but thought it would go a long ways PR wise if she had. 

     

    If a theoretical wedding was off b/c one of my best friends was cheated on,  I would no way expect monetary compensation,  though if she was the one doing the cheating I might feel differently.

     

    I guess it is 100% situational!

    Post # 21
    Member
    3470 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

    I would be mad yes– but not so much as to let it ruin the friendship. 

    I think it would have been nice if the bride/groom had offered– especially for such a large amount; but I don’t think it’s a necessity. 

    Post # 22
    Member
    744 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    No. I wouldn’t expect to be reimbursed. If I’m close enough with a person to be asked to stand with them in their wedding, I sure as hell would be a good enough friend to just be there for them. And if it was them doing something stupid, well, I still made the choice to be a bridesmaid, so I still wouldn’t expect the money back. Depending on what they did might alter the friendship, but that wouldn’t have any bearing on reimbursing for the dress. I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in this situation. Bride cheated, then left three weeks before the wedding. BUT the groom (who was my ex-bil) was also an ass. So it wasn’t my place to judge who was in the right.

    View original reply
    @MyFavouriteChords:  If you decided to drop out, I don’t see why the bride would offer to pay for your dress. You made the decision, which means you knew you were going to lose that money. Though, where I grew up, attendants always paid for their own attire, so it might be different elsewhere.

    Post # 23
    Member
    602 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    View original reply
    @HeathenSwan:  I think it has more to do with why I dropped out (she assualted a bridesmaid at the bachelorette party in front of me / without reason).  I realize that I’m not entitled to money but i think from a PR standpoint it would have gone a long way toward trying to repair her friendships that she left in the balance after that nigth.

    Post # 25
    Member
    602 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    View original reply
    @jules28:  I was going to say that I don’t want to thread jack…. but it is your thread so I’ll try and keep it brief.  This all went down at like 3AM after a night of drinking so obviously it was alcohol fueled,  but that isn’t an excuse for anything.  The five of us left that night and didn’t stay at the hotel and those of us that were flying home just went to the airport 10 hours early and got on the earliet flight home (with extra fees of course).  Basically,  I didn’t hear anything from her right away along the lines of an apology / acknowledgement,  so I wrote her an email saying I was dropping out.  She responded to that with the normal “what could I say” — which yeah,  I agree nothing she could have said would have made a difference,  but ANYTHING is better than nothing. 

    Over the course of the next few weeks she blocked us all from facebook / unfriended me on gchat etc,  then at her RSVP deadline she started trying to make an effort but it felt forced.  Eventually I decided that I couldn’t let 10 years of friendship go (and I think I was the only one of the five who felt like this) and tried to patch things up… but she really didn’t put in the effort.  I sent her a good luck message the night before the wedding b/c I was super emotional knowing I should have been at the rehearsal dinner at that time and she didn’t bother to respond (texts are significant to her she is glued to the phone).  So no,  we aren’t friends,  but it was more her actions post this fight than the incident itself.  It is a shame.

    Post # 26
    Member
    1111 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    If I was the bride, I would offer to pay – but if I was the bridesmaid, I would likely decline the offer.  I suppose it depends on the reason the wedding was called off, too.  If my friend the bride found out her Fiance was cheating or he dumped her, I would definitely decline the offer to pay me back.  But if she was cheating or left him for another man or something, damn right I’d want to be reimbursed!

    Regardless, I think the bride should definitely offer to pay.  It is sort of one of those silly etiquette things where I think the bride should always offer if the wedding doesn’t happen, but under some circumstances the BMs should refuse the money.  I would just appreciate the bride’s offer in letting me know that she’s sorry I wasted my money.

    Post # 27
    Member
    1243 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    I would hope for an offer to be paid back, which I would probably refuse.

    It would be more about the gesture to me.

    Post # 28
    Member
    3351 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    My friend actually just bought her Bridesmaid or Best Man dress not too long ago and the wedding was then delayed. A few weeks later, the groom walked. Never even crossed either of our minds to have the bride pay for my friend’s dress.

    Post # 29
    Member
    2347 posts
    Buzzing bee

    If the bridesmaid is actually close to the bride, she’s probably going to be more focused on getting her through a hard time than in getting reimbursed.

    But, bridesmaid dresses are getting ridiculously expensive – I mean ridiculously expensive. $300 for a dress is a stunning amount of money for most people, so I think the bride should eventually try to help defray the cost of something that was purchased expressly for her that will almost certainly hang unworn in a closet (if she picked it – if the bridesmaid was able to pick her own dress, then she can eat the cost).

    My one experience with this was for my brother’s wedding that didn’t happen. One month before the wedding, the girl decided she was “more in love with love than she was with him,” and called off the wedding. I was focused on helping my brother through his heartbreak, but I was also pissed that she stuck me and 5 other girls with a godawful metallic lavender, handkerchief-hemline dress that I tried unsuccessfully to unload on sorority sisters and friends before I finally gave it to the Salvation Army. It’s bad enough that you pay so much money and can never wear the dress again, but when you never wear it to begin with, it’s frustrating to have wasted so much money. 

     

    Post # 30
    Member
    2782 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Honestly, it would depend on why the wedding was called off…if say she cheated then you bet your butt I’d want my money back (aka a circumstance where she could have foreseen it being called off). But if HE cheated, or he called it off, then no.

    Post # 31
    Member
    1412 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    Look at it this way, you bought the dress either way. What difference does it make if you actually wear it or not?

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