(Closed) Should this bother me as much as it does?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
1608 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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geekgirl84:  Have you considered that the brother thing is an excuse? Maybe your boyfriend doesn’t actually care about waiting on his brother’s wedding, but in fact simply isn’t ready to seriously consider engagement? His statement was just so absurd, seems like it has to be pure deflection — especially if he’s refusing to discuss it seriously. It really sounds like he’s using his brother’s wedding as a stalling tactic. 

Post # 17
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

My DH was really concerned about proposing before his older sister got engaged.  It was definitely not a made up/stall tactic worry for him.  He basically had a few long discussions with his parents about it, and they told him he can’t live his life on someone else’s timeline, even his sister’s.

I don’t think you should write off his concern, but like PP’s suggested, definitely talk to him.  Maybe he just needs to talk to his brother and parents, and see that it wouldn’t be “stealing anyone’s thunder”. 

Post # 19
2152 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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geekgirl84:  I wouldn’t mention his brother again at all, but what I would do is exactly what I did when I wanted to get engaged. I was in a similar situation to you – we bought our house in early 2013 and towards the end of the year I knew I was ready to get married. 

So I started a conversation about how many children we would like to have (we had both already said that we wanted children). I said I’d like to have 2-3, and I would really like to have my first child by the time I’m 30. He agreed on the 2-3 number. I said.. ”So.. you know I need at least 8 months to plan a wedding, right?”.. I could see him doing the math in his head and figuring out that he needed to propose within the next 4 months. 

I would do the same here – ask him how many children he would like to have, and tell him that you would really like to have your first child by age 32. See how he reacts to that and if he agrees with that. That should give him the hint about when he needs to propose by.

Post # 20
9565 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

You just need to tell him all you told us. He obviously doesn’t share your sense of urgency about it- you two own a house, it’ll happen eventually, his bros getting married this year… To him its what’s the rush? It’s already locked down. 

You need to tell him what the rush is. FWIW my guy proposed after 15 months of dating, 3 months after his older brother got engaged (and they’d been dating 7 years). Fiance just waited till they set their date. It’s been fun, their parents love it and are so happy- it’s the year of weddings! They chose April 25th and I wanted June but we deemed that too close so now we’re Sept. With two boys and a couple of months between engagements and weddings it’s all good. 

Post # 21
717 posts
Busy bee

Is there any other reason you’re concerned that your Fiance won’t propose?  He didn’t say he wasn’t interested in marriage, just that he was mentally thinking after his brother’s wedding.  Are there other facts that lead you to worry that he isn’t serious?

Separately, I don’t think that just because you said 4 years at the very beginning on your relationship, that needs to continue to be your timeline.  It has been 3 years and you are ready.  You don’t have to wait an extra year just because 3 years ago you randomly said 4 years.

Last point, it’s not ok that your BF shuts down when you bring up the topic.  I would insist that understanding what he is thinking and agreeing on a timeline is important to you and something that you want to talk about.  You deserve this.

Post # 22
316 posts
Helper bee

My fiance did the exact same thing.  He said he did not want to get engaged until after his friend’s wedding.  I figured he was just dragging his feet/didn’t actually want to get married/etc.  He said that since we have the same circle of friends and since his family and his best friend’s family are extremely close, he felt like it was still their time and we would be taking some of the spotlight away from their big day if we announced our engagement while they were still enjoying the excitement of planning their wedding. 

If it offers you any encouragement, he took me ring shopping 2 weeks after their wedding and bought the ringing less than 2 months after the wedding.  I didn’t think he was serious, but turns out he really just wanted his best friend to have his time to shine and, honestly, I think that was quite sweet of him in the grand scheme of things. 

Post # 23
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I can relate in a weird way. I’ve been with my fiance now for 7 years. After 6 months we said, “I love you.” After 9 months, we had decided we’d be perfect together forever, but we were 19 years old and didn’t want to get married QUITE so young. The older we got, we had friends getting married left and right that had been together less time than us and we were both in those weddings and I caught 4 bouquets… My wedding will be my 8th (first as a bride!) and his 7th (first as a groom!)  The more weddings we had to be a part of, the more serious our discussions got. I never gave him a timeline (after all, we were happy and already living together so what would change besides the social status?) Ultimately, he kept telling me that he felt like he had to wait because every time we turned around, someone else was engaged or pregnant. A friend. My brother. Another friend. Etc. He just kept telling me it wasn’t our turn. Jump to a few months ago. We bought an engagement ring in November 2013 (he’s terrible at shopping so he wanted me to pick it out). He hid it in our house for months until the “right time” came. He told his little brother we had purchased a ring and he was planning on proposing in the summer. As soon as May rolled around, his little brother informed him that he needed time off work (they work together) so he could go to the bank and get a loan and then go to the jeweler to get a ring for his now-fiancee. He said he was planning on proposing in a couple of weeks. His little brother proposed 3 days later. This put my fiance in a dilemma. He knew I was going to be furious because of all the serious discussions we’d been having and hints I had been dropping leading up to this point in time. He didn’t even have the guts to tell me his little brother was engaged because he knew I would be devastated that I had to wait. AGAIN.

Many arguments with him later about how he couldn’t wait anymore because it was never just going to be only our turn in the spotlight, he finally proposed on our 7 year anniversary (which was perfect because we started dating on 7/7/2007, so 7 is kind of our number).

To make things more interesting, his little brother is getting married on the day we’d have originally chosen (our anniversary weekend in 2015), so now we’re getting married only 2 weeks later. Ultimately, we/he had to come to a few realizations. Everyone’s lives and relationships are different and they should in no way interfere with your own. What happens in your relationship is for you and no one else. What happens in someone else’s is for them and no one else. I’ve gotten a lot of pushback from his family about picking a date in such close proximity, but I had to make a decision that was best for my relationship.

When MY brother got married before we did, he HAD to wait. My mom can be a bit over-the-top and doesn’t have a filter. For reasons I won’t mention, if we had been engaged during any part of my brother’s engagement or wedding, the focus in my parents would have totally shifted away from them entirely and they’d have been forgotten. Dealing with my engagement at the same time as my future sister-in-law is rewarding at times but I secretly wish I had it all on my own. Having been through all of this, I can see the argument from your side and his for a number of different reasons.

I know it’s frustrating… I feel like I waited FOR-EV-ER, but when it finally happened, despite the drama, it was absolutely perfect. If he’s anything like my guy, he wants it to be special, without the distractions of others in the way. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen and a timeline shouldn’t define a relationship.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by nessa.ana.

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