Post # 1
A friend of mine is getting married in a month and I’m in her wedding. Her mom (who has totally taken over) is very determined to make this a very classy, formal event. The bride is totally OK with it because the bride herself has no money. We have very long formal gowns for the wedding and the like. We spent $210 on them. Her mom booked the bride, the bride’s two sisters, the groom’s sister, herself, the grooms’ mom, and the aunts at this really fancy, expensive salon for updo’s. Well, everyone but me and the other bridesmaid. But we can get our hair done there if we want. And psay for it.
First of all, I think it’s very rude to include everyone but us. I understand they’re "family" but c’mon! We’ve known the bride for years!!!! We’re already buying these pricey dresses for her wedding (because they HAD to be really formal per mom who picked them out) and the bride isn’t paying for a lick of the wedding herself because she has no money. The mom is paying for all the sisters’s stuff and all the grooms’ sisters’ stuff right down to shoes and dresses. My friend understands that the other bridesmaid and I are watching our money (hellooooo i’m still a student!) but her mom is apparently setting the stage for fanciness. I am also am miffed at how this other bridesmaid and I have to get ready separately from everyone else. Why aren’t we included as part of the wedding party? So we’re there for your daughter all throughout college, but now that she’s getting married, we aren’t good enough anymore? I don’t know how to read into this.
Now I need ideas to do my own hair. My friend told me she doesn’t care how it looks, as long as it’s up because everyone else’s is up. I’m not spending $60 at this insanely expensive spa/salon for my hair. The other bridesmaid has a short bob, so that makes it easy. I have long, layered hair.
Perspective? Is this normal? I don’t really want to talk to my friend about it and cause waves a month before her wedding. It isn’t worth it, and the last thing I want to do is stress her out!
Post # 3
I’m not sure I would go so far as to say this is rude, but its certainly insensitive.
Post # 4
They’re not forcing you to have your hair done professionally, so I don’t think they’re under any obligation to pay for you to have it done. I DO think it is rude not to let you get ready with the rest of the wedding party. Since the girl’s mom is paying, she probably feels like she has to go along with whatever her mom wants. Her mom sounds like she’s being kind of insulting, but I would just go along with it and be there for your friend. Her mom is probably driving her crazy, too 🙂
Post # 5
I agree with Meggles…it’s definitely insensitive. Especially if the other bridesmaid has short hair which can’t be put into an updo. Then it’s just you.
Technically, I believe bridemaids are responsible for the dress, shoes, accessories, makeup, and hair. However, many brides understand that this can cost a lot of money and try to be sensitive about it (ex. less expensive dress, allowing girls to do own makeup, buying accessories as the Bridesmaid or Best Man gift, etc.). Since it seems that she doesn’t have control over the Bridesmaid or Best Man look, then you’re going to have to find a way around it.
What time is the bride’s hair appointment? Specifically her appointment. Why not go to a less expensive salon an get a French twist or chignon (nothing too elaborate, but something chic and classy) earlier and meet everyone else at the salon when she gets her hair done. That way, you’ll be there for her hair and get some bonding time.
Post # 6
Yes, you’re right, it is mostly me. I just feel like the "friend bridesmaids" are being excluded. The other bridesmaid is a little miffed as well. I’m paying for everything for all my bridesmaids, so maybe I’m just being very generous. I’m also not having $200+ dresses though. I guess I’m just not sure what is typically the norm since I’ve only been in my sisters’ wedding.
I think her mom is just calling the shots and is OK with paying for all the "family’s" stuff…but not the friends. We’re just supposed to get ready and "meet up" with her beforehand. Basically, I feel like we’re just showing up for pictures because since her mom wants everything done a very specific way, she’s paying for it.
Now if I show up to the salon, I’m going to feel like we’re intruding! Maybe her mother only wanted family around? She is awfully controlling. A french twist is a good idea…I definitely cannot do that myself. I figured I could curl and pin it all up, but I don’t want to accidentally end up with something more elaborate than the bride.
I don’t know why but this is all just rubbing me the wrong way. It’s not really the money, it’s the way the mom is going about handling it all I guess.
Post # 7
I can definitely see insensitive, but I wouldn’t say rude. She isn’t requiring you to get your hair done at this expensive salon, she just gave you the option to do so if you wanted to. (If she wasn’t paying and was making you do it, then yes, rude). I’d agree with PP… find out when the bride has her appointment, and either do your own hair or go to a less expensive salon at that time. That way, you can be involved with the rest of it.
Post # 8
I may be going against the grain here, but I don’t think it is rude that she didn’t schedule an appointment for you both since they are not forcing you to get your hair done. I agree that it may be a tad insensitive, but at least she didn’t book you and then make you pay for it. Also, not sure of the market you are in, but $60 is not entirely unreasonable for an updo; the most affordable I have found was $40 and that was at a cheap salon so I am having someone come to the house for the girls for $50 each. My own hairdresser was goign to charge $75 per girl which I didn’t want them to have to spend. Have you asked where they are going after they get their hair done and you can get ready with them there? Or if you are willing you could make an appointment at the salon, but it sounds like you don’t want to go there so you could always meet them afterwards. I think the idea of you getting it done somewhere cheaper, or perhaps doing it yourself (you could do an updo with ringlets for example) is not a bad one. Regardless, the bride’s mom has graciously offered to pay for the entire wedding, so although you would have like to have been included in that, it is a rather large expense and she may be reaching her limit of expenses as well. Hope it works out!
Post # 9
If both of the bride’s friend BMs are "miffed," then why don’t the two of you ask the bride what time both of you should come to the salon and go together at that time? It’ll be less uncomfortable if both of you come at the same time, and I’m sure the bride would want her friends there!
Post # 10
I say since your friend has a short bob, she wears a nice headband. Nothing flashy or sparkly, but something pretty. Then she gets a little flair in her hair, too. Maybe in a pretty satin that matches the Bridesmaid or Best Man dress? Or even a little pin. Something small but not overberaing. But dressy, you know? Twist your hair up, curl the top, and let it hang. That’s pretty easy and always looks nice. So do french twists. Youtube has lots of DIY videos for hair. Spray the living smoke out of it!
I say show up to the salon with everyone else. You have just as much right to be there, sip on some coffee, and hang out. The bride isn’t excluding you, it sounds like her mom is a little bit though. Maybe she’s just totally clueless because she’s so concerned with the wedding since she’s essentially planning it right? And with her daughters and her daughter’s new family that it sounds like she hasn’t considered her daughters’ friends as much. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but she sounds a little snobby setting the bar so high and all that other stuff.
Post # 11
I don’t think it’s the moms job to pay for your hair. She probably thinks it’s overkill b/c an updo can be up to $150!!
I think if anything, the bride should step up and say something, youre her friend afterall.
Post # 12
Yoga, I’m with you. It seems to me like you’re feeling left out, and in my opinion you have a right to feel that way. The brides mom is paying for family but not the non-family bridesmaids. My feeling is that she can’t pick and choose which members of the wedding party to pay for; it should be all or nothing. The fact is, the bride is still asking you to get an updo, which is not easy to DIY and can be expensive to get professionally done. And the fact that you can’t get ready with the bride? That is just bizzare. I don’t necessarily have advice for you, but I do hope you can feel better about this before the wedding. In the end you might just have to eat the cost of a few things. Maybe do a few trial runs of DIYing your hair if you think you can do it. Do you have a friend who is good with that stuff who might be able to help? Good luck with all of this. And I echo a previous poster…the mom is probably driving the bride crazy, too.
Post # 13
I agree with the last poster. It would be one thing if you could wear your hair however you please, but I think the bride should pay if she is asking you to do something specific, like an updo. I know that I could not put my own hair in an updo, and I’m sure a lot of other people couldn’t.
Post # 14
Sorry. I dont find it bizarre, rude, or insensitive. I am not paying for my bridemaids dresses, hair, shoes, etc. I am paying for half of their make up because I have hired a make up artist. If I had not hired the artist, they would be responsible for their own make up also.
Why dont you just meet the rest of the bridal party where ever they are getting dressed? Theyre at the salon getting their hair and nails done. I think it would be wierd for you to show up and not receive services. Are you upset that you are not being included or that the MOB is not paying for you to be included?
I understand that you feel left out, but your friend is not in control. The mother booked services that she was paying for. I think this is pretty normal.
Post # 15
Looks like people are pretty on the fence. I just think it’s weird that it’s very much family vs non family. It’s not like everyone is paying out of pocket…just the non family bridesmaids. It just looks like the mom is being so generous…but oh, not your friends. I mean, she’s paying for the groom’s side, too. The groom’s sister isn’t even in the wedding party.
It would be TOTALLY different if we were all just covering it ourselves. THAT I understand is normal.
I can’t afford this pricey place. And anything over $30 i consider pricey for an updo. I’m still a student!! $210 was a LOT for a dress for me. Factor in the gifts, bachelorette parties, etc etc, I’m looking at over $700. Basically some books or part of my tuition. Plus nails, hair, it’s not something I can afford, simple as that. I have to cut myself off somewhere, and I can’t just NOT get her a gift. I CAN go without my nails being done. I’ll look nice, regardless, even if my hair is straightened and I use a clippy to pin it up and curl the top in a super simple way. That’s an updo, right?
I’m more upset about the exclusion part, and I very much understand my friend’s position as the awkward bride in her path. I still think her mom is being a little tacky about it by not including the other bridesmaid and I. All I know, is if I was my friend, I’d go, "hey what about my other two bridesmaids?" because, apparently the bride thought we were close enough to stand by her on her wedding day, too.
Post # 16
If she is paying for the Bridal Party to get their hair done, then she should have included both of you too! I think it is separatist. I would just tell the bride you can’t afford to pay for your own updo so you leaving you hair down. She really can’t say anything unless she’s willing to fork over the dough. And if she can’t afford to, well now she knows how you feel!!