(Closed) Should we call the whole thing off?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Should I:
    call the whole thing off-after three years, it is what it is. : (87 votes)
    57 %
    postpone things. : (63 votes)
    41 %
    shut up and stop being unsupportive : (3 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    9917 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    He needs to go to school.  You need to encourage him to do that.  Once he has a degree, he can find so much more work!  

    Also, there need to be some rules.  He has to clean the house.  If he is there all day, there is NO excuse for him not to do that.  It’s not about earning his keep; it’s about being a partner in a relationship. 

     

    When he does get a job, you need to discuss who will pay for what.  That’s a conversation you should have had before, but can put off until he finds a job.

    Post # 5
    Member
    9917 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @thelawwon:  Do you think you can encourage him to return to school?  Why did he stop going?

    Post # 7
    Member
    9917 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @thelawwon:  Good. Will he be going to actual classes or taking them online?  Also, is he going full-time?

     

    You need to have a conversation with him about helping out around the house.  What does he say when you bring it up?

    Post # 10
    Member
    9917 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Anyone who uses the term “house bitch” needs to be shoved.  Maybe down a hill.  Not into traffic or anything, though.  That would be too much.

    Calmly explain to him that since he is an adult, he should be fully capable of helping around the house.  If he thinks helping out around the house is “women’s work” or something equally out dated and misogynistic, you either need to work to change his mind or find another partner.  

    Or, if you want to stay with him, say things like, “A real man pulls his weight around the house.”  

    Post # 11
    Member
    107 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Holy omg… We would have a come to jesus conversation and he would either A. start helping around the house and being a fair and equal partner, B. Have a steady plan for AFTER SCHOOL and realize I’m not supporting him his entire life or C. End it all.  You deserve a PARTNER not a child. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    1360 posts
    Bumble bee

    @thelawwon:  You could possibly stop letting a housekeeper do things for him. If there’s a mess, and you refuse to clean it, and he’s at home with it all day, eventually it will get under his skin and he may do something about it. Also, do your own laundry but NOT his. He’ll get the idea.

    Post # 13
    Member
    7293 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011

    Anyway you guys could not live together? He should have the fire put under his bottom, that he needs to wake up and start doing something for himself and future. Plenty of people successfully work and go to school, and the people who don’t have someone supporting them…so if the support isn’t there he has to make a choice.

    Seems like also ” going to school” isn’t going to change his attitude or how he treats you. Some serious thought should go on as well as discussions about your future!

    I’m sorry your going through this! I’m hoping for the best possible situation!

    Post # 14
    Member
    107 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I am SO ANGRY for you right now.  You are obviously succesful and bright and have worked hard for that.  I get upset when Fiance doesn’t help enough around the house and we both work full time and I go to grad school at night… but i still end up doing A LOT of the cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping etc.  When I get frustarted we talk about it and he tries harder… a lot of it is his standards of “clean” aren’t the same as mine so he may not feel the need to clean yet… or whatever.. but regardless he helps… hes my partner…. UGH….

    Post # 15
    Member
    1252 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    I don’t think getting a degree is going to change him, he is likely never going to be a hard worker or be as successful as you.  And if he never contributed to the household before, and doesn’t seem bothered by contributing nothing now, I wouldn’t hold out much hope for him becoming an equal partner in establishing and maintaining a home in the future.  It does sound like he has an entitlement mentality, by the fact that he has you supporting him, isn’t contruting to housework, and thinks most jobs are beneath him.  It is really up to you whether this is something you can live with for the rest of your life or not, because expecting him to change would be a mistake.  I work with many female executives, and several have husbands who stay at home and take care of the housework, dinner, errands, etc, while their wives work 60-80 hours a week.  If you can see yourself being happy in that type of arrangement that is great, the important thing is to understand and accept what you are getting into now, and not to expect major changes in his work ethic or attitude after marriage or college.  Good luck to you.

    Post # 16
    Member
    705 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I don’t think you’re overreacting.  A wedding won’t change this man–he is who he is and right now, he’s a possibly depressed, entitled, lazy manchild.  He needs to contribute.  My fiance pays most of the expenses since I am in school. Usually, I work on a sporadic type of contract–it’s flexible and the pay is good, it’s just not regular.  When I have work, I contribute as much as I get and when I don’t, you’dbetter make damn sure that the house is clean and dinner is made.  While I have this summer job and while I am in school, the housework is split up a bit more evenly–since he works from home, he does a lot of laundry and keeps the kitchen up. When I get home, I cook and sweep the floors and we tidy up together.

    Right now, he’s not seeing things as a partnership.  He’s not contributing to the household.  From being in that position, I can tell you that it sucks.  It’s embarrassing to live off of someone and it’s boring sitting at home all day and super easy to get into a rut.  

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