Post # 1
My Fiance and I have a fairy tale wedding/honeymoon planned for September this year….However we also have had many issues with his Dad meddling with our plans. He’s been making insane demands on us in every aspect. He’s even planned to join us on the latter part of our 3 week honeymoon! I can take future Father-In-Law with a grain of salt, but my Fiance is so stressed he’s turned into Eeyore (Depressing)
I told my Fiance last night, that I can’t do this anymore! I refuse to cry myself to sleep for the next 6 months till the wedding. It wont be long until the next upset happens again. So I advised that we cancel everything for the current date and place and take our 120 person guest list down to 30. Plan between ourselves a new wedding, OUR wedding, and tell the guests (all close family and friends) about the wedding 2 weeks before the new date. I feel this will give us back control and sanity.
When I mentioned this to my Fiance he was devistated at the 30 person guest list. I’m just worried if things continue It’s going to start affecting our relationship, and there may not be a wedding. I love this man, and I just want to marry him with out all the crap his Dad’s been pulling.
Am I being unfair to my Fiance. I know it’s his wedding as much as it’s mine, I just can’t take his Dad’s meddling anymore!I think my Fiance is going to be very upset with me if I change things though. I hope he doesn’t hold it against me in the future.
Your advice on what I should do or how I should deal with this matter would be greatly appreciated
Post # 3
If he’s not onboard with a small wedding, you have to find some other compromise. How does he feel about how much his dad is being involved? Can he talk to his dad and ask him to back off a little?
Post # 4
In this situation I feel like Fiance needs to talk to his dad to explain that his behavior is causing a serious strain in the relationship between the two of you.
Post # 5
@future Mrs. Maxx: My question is why is your Fiance allowing his father to do this to you both?
Post # 6
Is his dad paying for the wedding? Is that why he is allowed any input?
Edit: The one thing you absolutely should not do is unilaterally cancel/radically change the wedding. That would be completely unfair to your Fiance.
Post # 7
It sounds to me like the only person who needs to be kept in the dark until 2 weeks before the wedding is his dad. Scratch that, keep him in the dark until the day before. Tell him the date, and nothing else. Tell him you’re cancelling everything and starting over and that the details are all super secret. Then plan the wedding you want and when he asks about it smile and say “Super Secret Wedding!”
I honestly don’t think you need to dump the plans entirely and start over (although you may want to scale down a bit if it’s feeling like it will get difficult to deal with). I think you just need to tell your Future Father-In-Law absolutely nothing about any of it so he can’t meddle. And get anyone you can on your side on this, so they understand not to talk about it to him, either.
Post # 8
I have a similar question, why are you allowing your Fi’s father to control your wedding? Is he paying for it?
Joining you on a honeymoon unwelcomed is obviously not okay. If he is paying however he does have the right to make some demands. If he is not paying at all then it is time for you Fiance to have a sit down with his father and explain how it is affecting you guys.
Medeling now might just be annoying but what happens when you have kids? when will it stop?
Post # 9
I would keep the wedding as is if that is what your Fiance really wants and put some distance between yourselves and hs dad. Stop talking wedding talk with him and if he brings it up tell him you’ve got it covered. Just because he makes demands, doesn’t mean you have to listen-unless he is paying for the entire thing.
Post # 10
If Father-In-Law is paying for the entire wedding (and honeymoon – geez!) I would cancel and have a smaller wedding that you and your Fiance can afford without his help.
If he is paying for part of the wedding, I would tell him you have decided to cut out X and Y and don’t need his input anymore.
If he is paying for none of the wedding, I would start ignoring him and don’t share anything with him except the date. Your Fiance needs to be the one to do all of this, it’s his family. I don’t understand why he is meddling so much? Is there something else going on that might be causing it? Just seems a strange thing for a middle aged man to get obsessed over. Does he know how much stress it’s causing both of you?
Post # 11
Wow- I never heard of a Father-In-Law being that meddling…. a Mother-In-Law yes. Why does he get any say at all?
Post # 12
Who is paying for this wedding? If it isn’t your future Father-In-Law than I’d stop worrying and ignore him.
Have you tried talking to him? I’m sure if he knew that he was the reason you guys want to do this he might change his ways.
Post # 13
Sounds like he needs a hobby or a companion.Sounds like he is single and bored.
Post # 14
I don’t think you should cancel, but you or your Fiance definitely need to talk to his dad. Like everyone else said, just keep him in the dark about everything other than the date.
Post # 15
Bleh, I completely sympathize about parents trying to control one’s life– I’ve had problems with that. . . yuk. Don’t let your badly behaved Future Father-In-Law ruin this experience for you. That would be giving an unpleasant person way more power than he deserves.
Anyway, I completely agree with what mountain.bride said, as for what to do in various money scenarios. Also I agree with another of the PPs, in that if he isn’t paying, then he has no say in what happens, as he is one of the guests– and you should definitely ignore his attempts to interfere.
Future Father-In-Law is a GUEST at your (yours and FI’s) wedding and you two are planning it to go as you have always wanted it to go. And will ask for help/input/etc. if you need it. Tell Future Father-In-Law so, politely, but firmly. And if he still tries to interfere, and is extremely obnoxious, maybe then you will have to reschedule. In that case, make sure Future Father-In-Law doesn’t know the date until like 2 days before. But, I hope that you won’t have to reschedule!
I do think that it is important to listen to your Fiance. Maybe the two of you need to go over some different scenarios together, to see what your options are? Then, if you need to, you’ll be able to make a descision about this that’s a compromise between the two of you.
If Future Father-In-Law is threatening to crash your honeymoon, well, that’s just not OK. If he isn’t the one paying for it, I think you have every right to ask him, again politely but firmly, to not show up at any time. And if absolutely necessary, change the location or dates of your honeymoon to avoid him. It’s not worth the stress on you, your Fiance, and your brand-new marriage to have to worry about the guy showing up on you!
Lots of Good Luck and hoping you figure this out soon!
Post # 16
First of all thank you all for your all of your very quick and various responces. I’m going to try and answer all of your questions in one resopnce.
My Fiance is just as upset with his Dad and the amount of his exreme involvement. We certianly do need to come to some sort of compromise over the style of wedding we’re planning, but it’s been hard. From the beginning I’ve comromised my fellings of wanting a wedding with parents and siblings only. so a guest list of 30 people would still be a comromise on my behalf. He has talked to his Dad and told him how stressed we both are, and expressed our concerns on many occasions and have not seen much change in him. The BIG problem with the honeymoon is that my Fiance Mother’s side of the family all live in England. We’ve planned to do a second reception there to include them. Originaly it was going to be the 3 of us until I told Fiance I’d go on our honeymoon one condition, we go on a tour of the Brittish Isles/country side then see family. That’s how I got us 2 out of 3 weeks to ourselves. My Fiance was happy about this time being kept to ourselves as well. I know he’s really feeling torn sometimes about pleasing me and about pleasing his Dad. Also he doesnt want the things his Dad is suggesting, he’s just feeling bad and exausted about finding kind ways of saying NO! Future Father-In-Law is not being allowed to control the wedding, but is inadvertently been allowedto cause stress *Grumble* We are paying for the wedding, and need absolutly no help paying for it or planning it! Future Father-In-Law said he wanted to give us money for the wedding as a gift. I told Fiance to tell his Dad that this is code for “I want to have some control over the wedding” and told him to “forget it” I’m not worried about what FFI is saying at all, but my Fiance is and that’s affecting us at home.
So I really don’t understand how to fix this because I have no control over this person and my Fiance has done the best to his ability. Thanks ladies, the votes say don’t cancel. So I’m just going to have to continue on the way we are and hope we still like eachother come September , lol.