(Closed) Should we forget a wedding and just elope?

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

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stephf22 :  My husband and I started out with the plan to “elope” (church wedding with immediate family only and a meal afterwards), and ended up having what is considered a “small” wedding to my family (110 people, so not small by most metrics). If I had it to do over, I may have been more insistent on “eloping.” In the end, we chose to have more people because my parents (who generously footed the bill) wanted more people there. In the end, it was very important that my family who were paying and excited about the wedding get a say, which is the driving factor in my advice below.

I would be very wary of eloping, because it sounds like your Future Mother-In-Law wants to be a part of the day. However, I would sit down with your parents and get a commitment from them. If they are not going to actually help pay for “their side” if you have the wedding in Canada, it is probably better to have the wedding abroad. You probably also have to look at the feasibility of you or you and your Fiance helping your Future Mother-In-Law with the costs of Canadian guests that come, since it sounds like your parents would not assist in that case. Good luck with talking to your parents!

Post # 3
Member
1083 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

The reality is, if you take money from someone, there will be strings. It sounds like everyone just has to get on the same page about location and budget.

If it were me and Fiance, we’d probably figure out a way to pay for it without taking money from either side. Then we wouldn’t have to worry about other’s opinions. Especially since it seems like there are so many.

My parents are paying for half of ours, Fiance and I are paying for the other half. My parents had wishes that we accommodated. FI’s family barely have any opinions because they aren’t contributing.

Post # 6
Member
1083 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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stephf22 :  I hear you about the student loans. Fiance had a mess.. But the wedding was our priority last year. So we saved what we knew we could do/reasonable and made it work with the rest of the money my parents gave us. Once we were done saving for the wedding, he went back to aggressively paying down his debt. He started with $100K 4 years ago. He’s down to $35K. But he didn’t start making significant progress until 2 years ago.

Have you sat down and had a heart to heart with your parents about this? Show them your debt, and what your FI’s family will contribute. Show them what it costs on average to have a wedding in your city.

Have you heard of Dave Ramsey? That’s what changed mine and FI’s mindset about the debt..and it gave us a plan.

Post # 7
Member
643 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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stephf22 :  Don’t go to england to get married, it’s so expensive, so get married in TORONTO?  Are you kidding me?  30 would get you a modest wedding there at best.  

FWIW, my brothers wedding was about 15k, and he said afterward that he wished he had just eloped instead and wishes our parents had given him money for a down payment on a house instead of a wedding.  Most birdes I’ve known have wished they had eloped in the middle of planning.  Wedding planning sounds liek a total nightmare.  I think I would elope if I where you.

Post # 10
Member
2067 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

It sounds like you and your Fiance are awash in indecision and your family members aren’t helping. Make a few set-in-stone decisions on your own, knowing that there will be consequences to whatever you decide. Personally, I would stick to the decision to have it in England and tell your parents that and give them a chance to coordinate with your inlaws. Your mom will either get over not having control or make a contribution so she can have a say. Everyone doesn’t have to agree with your decision, but stand firm or you will be back to square one. Whatever you decide, do it kindly and firmly and accept whatever reaction your family members will have, otherwise you will be going back and forth trying to please everyone, pleasing no one, and driving yourself crazy. Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
2067 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“She wants to throw us a wedding and we are worried if we say we don’t want it – we would be throwing her extremely generous gift in her face.”

You wouldn’t. You would be making an adult decision based on what’s best for you and your Fiance. It is overstepping boundaries to insist that you have a celebration that you don’t want to have, no matter how generous the offer (not that she’s insisting, but you seem to think it would be impossible to refuse). You can love and appreciate your inlaws without acquiesing to their every request.

Post # 13
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Your parents sound like they aren’t really that interested but don’t like the idea of them not being in control and not being able to do what they want. It’s lovely your Future Mother-In-Law is so excited- why don’t you put your foot down and say the English wedding is what we want – it will be a lovely experience. Or if you really do want to elope marry the two of you in Canada with maybe your parents witnessing and have a blessing and huge English wedding party with his family. 

Post # 14
Member
3310 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

We had an elopement wedding, and had no regrets at all. We still dressed up (me in ivory, and him in a tux). We married in a beautiful place, and got a really good photographer. We mailed pics of the weddings to our family. I went to a friend’s wedding a couple of months later. I had a few moments of regret watching her walk down the aisle. However, when I thought of the money and stress she went through, I had no regrets. Our family and friends are spread across the country, so it would have been really hard to pick a location. My DH’s parents eloped to Mexico because of being from different religious backgrounds, and not wanting to argue about their marriage with their family members. They had a happy, long marriage. 

Post # 15
Member
2792 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with PPs that your parents don’t actually want to host (pay for) a wedding, but if they do contribute (FMIL asked for their help) then they want it to be easy for them (in Canada).

From my personal experience, I’d say elope. I truly wish I was eloping. I let family pressure me into having a wedding, and though things are better now because we have most of our vendors and everything pretty much planned out, I still would have much preferred not having a wedding. I hate that my family is spending so much money, and I hate the money I’m putting out while trying to also save up so I can bring a larger amount into the marriage (I’m big on contributing). There’s also the expense of the honeymoon, some new furniture for his house (a nightstand for me), etc.

If you want to elope, because that’s what you want, then do it. You won’t regret it, if it’s what you want. However, if you like the the idea of a wedding (whether it be in England or Canada), and are only considering elopement due to your parents and their atttitude, then you have a tough choice to make. You can deal with your parents, their lack of communication, or you can have it in England and take on your parent’s costs. Or perhaps you can have a smaller wedding in England, so your FMIL’s contribution goes farther.

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