(Closed) Should we give a gift, even though we didn't get one?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 16
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

 

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KateByDesign:  +1000!  Exactly how I feel! I’d give them a gift for no other reason than to make them feel bad!  I know that sounds awful but I think it’s terribly rude to not give a gift or card.  It’s even worse to acknowledge that you never gave a gift and then expect people to give you cash!

Post # 17
Member
627 posts
Busy bee

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Happy Donut:  I would give them the same gift they gave you – your presence at their wedding. I give gifts based on how close I am to the couple and my current financial situation.

Either she doesn’t consider you guys very close or she was broke (or a third option that she just doesn’t give gifts). A card from the dollar store wouldn’t have broken the bank though so I see no reason she couldn’t have at least done that. It’s a wedding – how do you forget a card but remember to show up? 

It doesn’t sit right with me that she acknowledged she did nothing for you and then hints that she wants cash from her guests. Really? Have people no shame? What about tact? Friendships are a two way street, not one person taking advantage of the other. 

Post # 18
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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Happy Donut:  My cynical side thinks your friend made mention of her lack of gift to you and offered a lame excuse to try to pursuade you that she INTENDED to get you something so that you would forgive her and make sure to give HER something.  

Like a lot of brides, she’s obsessed with her gifts and hoping her wedding will be a big pay day.  The fact that she was even discussing her hope for cash gifts with you, an invited guest, is pretty gross.  

I personally think you should get her a VERY small, token gift.  In your shoes, I would absolutely NOT give her a big or any check.  Forget your conversation with her about not wanting stuff and find something inexpensive from her registry if she has one or something you know they need or would enjoy.  Frame their wedding invitation or something.  

You could, of course, elect to give nothing but I think it will be fairly obvious why and from her remarks I think she’s the type who will very hypocritically be angry with you.   You could of course give them a sweet card with warm wishes and no check.  

Post # 19
Member
6737 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

She did NOT forget to get you a card. She knows she was terribly rude not to give you a gift (she may have had a valid excuse, but chose to lie about it instead) and she has up to a year after the wedding to give you a gift.

Personally, I would probably give her a card and a check for a very small amount that wouldn’t hurt me to part with (I’m thinking $25-50, because where I’m from we give usually a minimum of $200 per couple for a wedding) and see if she cashes it (I’m sure she will). I’m not sure I could show up to the wedding entirely empty-handed. That is beyond rude.

Also, I believe that the tradition for giving gifts at weddings started because the community as a whole would give the young couple things/money to start their lives and it would rotate like that so everytime someone got married, they got some sort of help to start off and you would also help others. Since she didn’t “help” you, I’m not sure why you should be obligated to “help” her – but really, this is a personal choice. I don’t thinkt he friendship will be ruined (more than it is, if it is already) no matter what you choose.

Post # 20
Member
11266 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

i’d probably just give them a smaller gift.

she didn’t forget to give you a gift or a card.  the only reason she’s bringing it up now is because her wedding is coming up.

Post # 21
Member
13906 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would give them a gift, just because I would feel guilty showing up empty handed at a wedding.  I get why you would want to opt out, but two wrongs don’t make a right.  Perhaps you could get them a nice photo frame or something generic (with a gift receipt so they could exchange for store credit) if you don’t want to give cash.  We had a wedding similar to this lately and bought a bunch of stuff from the registry instead of giving cash.

Post # 22
Member
1812 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall

I would get them something small – like a gift card to the movie theater that is enough for 2 tickets, a drink, and a popcorn. Thoughtful, cheap, useful to pretty much everybody.

Post # 23
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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Missknicole:  Exactly!! She waited all that time to apologize when she was discussing her own gift? I would’ve been more understanding if she expressed her apology or disappointment when it occured since they’re friends but she waited until mentioning her own gifts to apologize. I’d do the same and just buy a frame and/or card, I wouldn’t give a cash gift. 

Post # 24
Member
15201 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’d give them a small non cash gift…

Post # 25
Member
11517 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

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Happy Donut:  I am hoping that friends who married before us don’t hold my poor starving student status at their wedding against us now.  When I went to their weddings, I gave what I could and what I could afford.  I would be upset I thought people were going to hold that against me now and not give me a gift or a card for that reason.  (I’m not saying I expect fancy or extravagant things, but if someone based their decision on what to give us solely on what we were able to give 5 years ago that wouldn’t say much for our friendship).

 

I think you should give them whatever you want to give them regardless of what they gave you.  There may be more than what she’s telling you, obviously it meant a lot to you that you came to their wedding, I’m sure it means a lot to her that you’re going.  I don’t think it’s right to show up empty handed, but if you feel weird giving them cash, give them a gift with a gift receipt enclosed.

Post # 26
Member
1316 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I would definitely get her a card, but I probably wouldn’t get a gift. That’s really petty, but I prefer to give physical gifts instead of cash anyways. When she apologized to you, she only apologized for not getting a card, so it doesn’t seem like she sees gifts as a necessary wedding thing. Maybe you could include a gift card to a restaurant they like!

Post # 27
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee

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Happy Donut:  My gift to that couple would be my presence and a card. Not giving even giving you a card, plus them feeling bad about that only when talking to you about their wedding, equals not feeling compelled to offer more than my time and a few dollars for a card.

Post # 28
Member
1915 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I would give a small gift in this case.

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