(Closed) Should we offer to pay?

posted 5 years ago in Money
Post # 3
3688 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I wouldn’t do this. It sounds like they have the money for a photographer, they’re just choosing not to spend it. If K really wants photography, she should work it out with P. Also, it rubs me the wrong way that they are planning a super-budget wedding and have hinted to you that they expect a big gift from you after already borrowing your car for transportation. I’d put like $100 in a card and call it a day on that one.

Post # 5
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@cmbr:  +!


I don’t like that either…. I think they have the money to do it.  Yes it’d be nice of you, but I personally would let them pick their own.  I’d do as UberClaire said and give $75-100  in a card and call it a day.  Especially since they are borrowing your car.

Post # 6
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo

@cmbr:  +1

After your second update, it totally sounds like K is expecting more from you!  If P can afford the nicer wedding elements that K (presumably) wants, it’s totally not your responsibility to contribute.  I mean if you genuinely want to, that’s one thing and you should go for it, but if any part of this rubs you the wrong way, treat this as a normal wedding guest.

Post # 7
11418 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I’m thinking that perhaps the safest and best course of action would be for you and your husband to determine an amount that you believe would be an appropriate monetary gift for these friends and then give it to them soon in a card.  You could include a note that explains that you wanted to give them their wedding gift early so that they would have the opportunity to spend it in any way they wish, perhaps toward something for the wedding or honeymoon or in any other way they would like.

Post # 8
3688 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I know everybody does things differently, but my system is that I give the same amount at every wedding I go to, no matter how close I am to them or if they have a cash bar or if I had to drive six hours and stay in a hotel, etc. The only time I increase the amount is if it’s the wedding of a family member. If $200 is your standard, that’s *exactly* what I’d give this couple, especially since they seem to think that you owe them something. I can’t even imagine talking about what I think people should give me, haha. If they want photography they can pay for it themselves! (Also, I don’t know how much photographers cost in your area, but knowing how much I paid, that would be a ridiculously generous wedding gift)

Post # 9
3688 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Another thought: I think the reason this situation bothers me so much, is that I’ve experienced it with my own family. My parents are better off than some of their relatives and friends, and they’re incredibly generous. Over the years, there have been many situations where I’ve felt that my parents were taken advantage of by people who could have afforded what they wanted, but decided to try to get my parents to pay because, “why not? they can afford it!” Ugh. I just get really bothered by people who feed off of the generosity of others.


Post # 10
1671 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I agree with @cmbr:  , even if you guys are very close this would kinda rub me the wrong way.

Post # 11
8675 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think this is something that is between P&K. I don’t think K really thinks you should give them more but I do think she is using you guys to try and get a few things for her wedding because P doesn’t seem to want to spend the money.

I think P & K need to really talk about finances before getting married. Maybe you could talk to K and ask if everything is ok because you have noticed that they don;t seem to be on the same page about wedding spending.

And I think you should gift them whatever you are comfortable gifting them but I don;t think paying for vendors for their wedding is a good gift. It would probably be more useful to be honest about what cash gift you might give them and then that way they can decide to spend money on something they were not going to.

Post # 12
182 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with everyone else. It seems like they can afford it, they are just choosing not to have a photographer for whatever reason. 


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