(Closed) Should we pay for Parents?

posted 7 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would offer to pay for their accommodation and thats it. A 7 hour car trip there and back will probably cost 3 tanks of fuel and a hired tux is not that expensive… all three of them can not give you a gift if they have to

Why do they need a rented car? Doesnt anyone have a car?

Post # 4
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Is she maybe having financial troubles that you are not aware of? I mean, sometimes people fall on hard times and make a fuss about the cost of things to avoid simply saying “I cannot afford it.” 

Ultimately though, I’m a huge fan of FIs taking care of the issues in their own families. If you’ve addressed it with him, then he should be the one taking the initiative to light a fire under them to save. If he has his reasons for not doing so, then maybe just letting him take the lead in making the decision is best.

Post # 5
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

although i wouldnt want to see my Fiance throwing money away on people that dont help themselves, im wondering how is your Fiance paying for his family to be at his wedding going to make it less “your” day??? 

i can only imagine how sad your Fiance will be if on his wedding day his parents/siblings are not there so i cant get my head around why you would prefer him to be upset on his own wedding day just so you can have the “our day” mentality

Post # 9
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Well, I think you need to figure out if they can’t afford it or don’t want to pay for it.  If the first, it’s easy – if you want them there (I assume yes) then you pay their way.  If the second, you just need to have an open conversation with them regarding finances and work with on how they’ll be able to save up to get here.  You say she keeps expecting you to offer to pay – have you made it clear that you will not?  If you really don’t want to pay, then you need to be clear in the next call “Dear Future Mother-In-Law, I’m so looking forward to seeing you at the wedding, and I’ve saved the guest bedroom for you.  Unfortunately, with all of the wedding costs and activities, on top of our recent house purchase, we won’t have the time or money to be able to get you or pay for your trip.”  I think it’d be awkward to tell my parents how to save money so if I were you, I’d just have the conversation with FI’s brother and ask if as the wedding present from him, he can ensure their parents will be there with bows (outfits) on so that you can worry about one less thing.  Be prepared that even if they *can* pay, they don’t want to, and you may end up having to pay anyhow because they are accustomed to it working that way.  Standing on what you think is “right” doesn’t help at the end of the day if the results aren’t what you want.  Perhaps stop sending them cash and let them know you are saving that cash that you’d normally send, in order to fund their trip for the wedding.

Do they really need a tux/dress?  Can they wear clothes they already own?  This seems really unneccessary to stress over.

Post # 10
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Btw, check out the blog, there was a good article today about not forgeting your Fiance in all of the wedding planning process.  If this is something that is stressing your Fiance out, then I really think this is an area that you should really conceed what you think is “right” in order to make him happy.  Honestly, a rental car plus some gas and maybe a tux rental really isn’t that much in the grand scheme of things.

Post # 11
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I’m chinese, and in our culture we are brought up to pay for things for our parents once we are grown and able to. It is a sign of respect/appreciation.  Buying their attire and paying for their transportation for the wedding day is something we would just do.

My sister lives 8 hours away by car as well, whenever my parents visit she pays for their plane tickets. Again, for us it’s a culture thing, it’s just something we do without a second thought.

Post # 12
Member
14402 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Umm, normally I would say, for family, yes… if you can afford it, and they cannot, then help them out to be there for the wedding.  After all, they provided and raised your Fiance, and that isnt cheap either.  But in your case…. they are being rediculous.  3 people can fit just FINE in a sedan.  Renting a car is totally uneccessary.  Stand your ground, offer her a room in your house or maybe to pay for lodging, but the transportation is up to her.  And as for what they wear… forget that.  A grown woman and man should be able to dress themself properly for a wedding.  It shouldn’t be you and your Fiance responsibilty to dress them. 

Post # 13
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I would do this in a heartbeat for our family… but our situation is really different from the one you’re describing. 

Still it seems really important to your FH. I’d sit down and candidly talk to him about how you feel, and try to strike some middle ground between your POV (which seems totally legit) and his desire to have his family there.

Post # 14
Member
3574 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

No – they have known about your wedding for months, I am sure.  It is not your FI’s responsibility to buy them airfare.  They should have saved for it or been prepared to charge it. 

The dress?  That’s just ridiculous. 

If you want to do anything, I’d do accomodations, but no more.  Your Fiance is the child, not the other way around

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