(Closed) should we postpone 9/5 wedding? grandma had heart attack, probably won’t survive

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
13096 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Go on with the wedding.  Although I can’t completely speak for your grandma, I’m sure that is what she would want.

My DH’s cousin got married the same week that they held her grandmother’s funeral (and it was also the same week as Christmas) and despite the sadness among the family regarding grandma’s passing, everyone had a great time at the wedding.  In a lot of ways it was helpful for everyone to be together, supporting one another, and celebrating the expanding family.

I’m very sorry to hear about your grandma and I’m sure she’ll be looking down on your wedding!

Post # 4
246 posts
Helper bee

As much as I’d love to give you some helpful advice on this one, I think that the best thing for you to do is have some honest discussions with close family members and discuss a solution that works best for your family.  How does your mom feel about the possible conflict for her?  How do people with international plane tickets feel?  Would your family like to have to have the time set aside to grieve or would they want to focus on something joyful (i.e. your wedding)? etc, etc…..  Only you (and your family) can answer these types of questions.  I wish you the best as you work through a very tough and emotional situation.

Post # 5
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I would recommend carrying on with the wedding as is.  I understand that this will be a hard time for your mom’s side of the family, but if you had a relationship with your grandmother at all, I’m sure this is what she would have wanted you to do.  I’m sure out of town guests already have their plane tickets and accomodations set which can be hard to change, and if there is anyone from out of town on your Dad’s side of the family or your FI’s side, then they will still want to come since it doesn’t affect them.

Your wedding will end up being the bright spot for everyone, a place where they can get away, have fun and forget about the negatives for a little while.  I hope I don’t sound heartless, I really understand being torn and I am a very emotional person (I don’t handle death well) but I would still go on with the wedding.  Did your Mom actually say she might not be able to go to the wedding?

Post # 7
1955 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

I know it’s so hard but I think you should continue with the wedding…I have a friend whose grandfather passed away a week before her wedding and she commented on how healing the wedding was as part of the grieving process…She said seeing family members and reminiscing really helped her through it all…It’s not the easiest thing to do but I think you will regret it if you push back your wedding…I’m sure your grandmother would want you to continue with your plans…Big hugs, I’m so sorry to hear about your situation…

Post # 8
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I would continue with the wedding.

We actually got engaged 2 days before my grandmother passed away.  I felt awkward sharing my excitement during that time, but I found that people really responded to it.  I think having moments of joy in times of sorrow can really be a relief for people. 

Post # 9
4123 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

First of all, I’m very very sorry. Fiance lost his grandmother out of nowhere (expected but not) a few months ago. Our biggest consolation is that she was so happy for us and was excited about our wedding plans. I know his mom, and all of us will be sad she’s not there, but will know she’s probably having more fun watching from Heaven 🙂

I would go on with the wedding. Your mom is probably not thinking clearly right now, but I would speak with your dad regarding plans. It’s VERY feasible and normal to schedule funeral dates (if necessary.) It may not be as “fun” for your mom, but it should be possible to schedule the funeral for 1-2 days before your wedding or 1-2 days later (if that;s how the time frame plays out.) When my mom’s mother passed, we had a funeral in Texas a few days later and then a week after that she was flown to NJ and had another service and was buried. I think it was 1.5-2 weeks between actual passing and burial. It’s easy to “schedule” a funeral (logistically not mentally or emotionally) and that can be postponed if necessary. A wedding is much more of a nightmare to re-schedule not to mention very financially imprudent. 

Your grandmother would want you to continue as planned and hopefully your dad does what;s necessary to make sure your mom is there. Right now, she’s thinking from the moment and sadness. Her family should at least make sure she is able to attend if no one else…

Take everything day by day. You never know how long someone will hold on or not… 

Post # 10
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

My grandmother just died. We are going on with the wedding. The family decided to wait on the “traditional” funeral and scatter her ashes the day after my wedding when all the family would be present. Your family needs a bright spot right now – please don’t postpone your wedding!

Post # 11
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I agree with having an honest conversation with your father. I also agree that at this point you should proceed as planned. If your grandmother does pass away, the funeral can and should be scheduled to allow people to come to the wedding. It’s not a diva bridezilla thing, it’s a financial thing. You are going to lose pretty much everything you’ve paid if you back out right now. Since it’s unlikely that you’re independently wealthy, that’s a HUGE consideration. Your father should be sane enough right now to understand and help you negotiate the details.

The other thing is that a non-sad event can really help right now. My step-father passed away a week before Christmas six years ago. canceling Christmas is obviously not an option so we soldiered on as best we could. While the holidays were somewhat muted that year, it helped to gather for something that wasn’t directly related to the recent death. Your wedding will be a much happier occasion still and could very well help out those who can attend.

Post # 12
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

You should continue with the wedding. I would hope that your mother would come to the wedding and if your gram passes, something could be done to postpone her services. I have a crazy but true story to share. My friend (in her 30’s) died on a Sunday and her brother’s wedding was to be the following Saturday. Her parents asked the brother what did he want to do, and that they would do anything he wanted. It is a very difficult decision either way. He said, we have people coming in from all over the country and everything has been paid and we will go ahead with  the wedding. The family had a wake on Thursday (the brother had to fly in for this and fly out the next day for rehersal dinner) On Friday they had the funeral. Friday night the parents flew to the wedding and on Saturday they went to the wedding.

Some family members were unhappy with the brother’s decision and “boycotted” the wedding, which was sad on to pof an already sad situation.

Post # 13
1765 posts
Buzzing bee

@Miss Banana:

I am sorry to hear about your grandmother.  I agree with the others that said to go on with the wedding as planned.  My mother died a year ago, just one month before my daughter’s wedding. We went ahead with the wedding as planned. It was a bright time in anotherwise sad situation. It helped to bring everyone together in a positive way, and bonded the family in a happy occasion.  I would have the wedding as planned.  It can be done, and your mother should be there for your wedding.

Post # 14
2634 posts
Sugar bee

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I’d go on with the wedding, I’m sure that is what your grandmother would have wanted.

(((HUGS))) I can’t imagine all the emotions you are feeling right now.

Post # 15
1523 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Hi date twin! I personally would go on with the wedding…you are so close to the date so you will not be able to move things, you will have to all out cancel everything. Losing a grandparent is tough, but this might be a positive event that everyone can look forward to during this tough time. 

Good luck and hang in there!

Post # 16
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think you should keep your wedding. If nothing else it would be a good way to take everyone in the family’s minds off the situation for a moment and give them a reason to celebrate.

After my grandfather passed we still made jokes because it helped us get through the sadness of losing him. I think your grandmother would want you to carry on with your wedding as planned.

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