(Closed) Should we split up we got married…..

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 33
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

From what you’ve said, your relationship sounds extremely abusive and damaged. If he is refusing counseling, I think you should consider seperating for awhile until you can get your thoughts together and logically think about everything happening. He is abusive and is not caring/loving and it doesn’t sound good at all.

Hope you can figure something out!

Post # 34
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee

Whoa whoa whoa you need to get away from these people!  What b*stards!  Sorry but this is one of the worst situations I have ever heard!

Post # 35
Member
4023 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I don’t know what you want us to do for you. We suggest counceling, you say no. We say leave, you aren’t or won’t. The way things are does not seem like a healthy relationship that you should be in. The only solution I can see, since you won’t try counceling, would be to leave it. Is that something that you would seriously think about?

Post # 36
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

I just read all the info (only skimmed before) and I’m changing my advice..you need to get out! And I did notice as Rosie Girl mentioned above that you aren’t saying what you want. Do you want to leave? What do you want? I seriously think you need to leave before it gets worse.

If I were being treated such as you are, I’d be outta there so fast!

Post # 37
Member
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

I agree with a lot of the other posters here. He may not be physically abusing you, but he’s emotionally abusing you. You said that the beginning of your relationship, he practically stalked you. That’s the sign of an abuser. Does he let you have any friends? He puts you down in front of his family and yours…this is NOT a healthy relationship at all. If he won’t go to counseling, then you need to go without him.

They can’t solve your problems for you – all they can do is give you advice and give you an outlet to talk about the things that are bothering you…like the fact that he belittles you in front of family members. It’s only going to get worse as your marriage goes on. Without counseling, he’s not going to change, and he’s going to make you believe that everything that happens is your fault. It’s what an abuser does. They isolate their partners and beat down their self esteem until they feel as if they have no worth.

Please, get out now or get yourself into counseling!

Post # 38
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

This sounds like a terrible relationship and it sounds to me like his parents are getting in the middle of your relationship. I have no idea where you live but I never heard of Native Americans being lazy/drunk/etc.  I also can’t believe the level of racisim his family openl exhibits to you, thier daughter-in-law. It really sounds to me like they would like nothing more than for you to leave him and it seems like he would rather lose you than leave his family. MAybe he thought they would adjust and now this house thing is making him realize they have not gotten overthemselves yet so hes having second thoughts. I think you really need to assert yourself and aks him to suport you on this. He needs to tell his parents this is not acceptable behavior. It will be hard for him but if he is not willing to stand up to his family in order to suport you as a family, then he’s not the man for you. I don’t know what you could do other than lead a very professional and polite life around his family to show the they are wrong about you but you should not have to prove yourself. If your husband married you there was a reason he did (and you him) figure out what your reasons were and determine if they are strong enough to keep you together.  I’m generally optimistic but there is no way I would be able to tolerate that kind of behavior from my in laws.

Post # 39
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I have read all your other posts (Husband thinks of someone else during sex, you suspect that he may have had a child with your BIL’s wife), and now this loaded with tons of information about how this guy and his family continues to belittle and disrespect you.

 

Firstly, his family sounds awful.  They really  do.  But people make their own decisions.  Your husband decides, over and over again, to treat you in a way that is completely unacceptable.  I don’t even have words for it.  But one word is: abuse.  You are being abused.  Emotionally, at the very least.  And he stomped on your foot?  Yeah, that’s physical abuse, too.  There is nothing that you can do to make him change.  You can only do what is best for yourself, which is to get out while you can.

 

Secondly, this whole “Native” racism is really bizarre.  I thought that you might be South African, which would make things a little different, but I think that you are referring to being Native American.  I did not realize that racism against Native Americans was so harsh.

I mean, Native Americans have a culture in which they can definitely take a lot of pride.  I’m not sure to which subcategorization you belong, but Cherokees, pre-European contact, had a society in which woman and men were equal.  That’s awesome.  We don’t even have that today.  They had the concept that the world could become overpopulated, and they embraced the sanctity of each living thing.  These are concepts that we are just figuring out and having to deal with today, too.

Non-historically, and a little superficially, Native American women often have the most beautiful, high cheekbones and thick, beautiful hair.  Obviously, inward beauty is what really counts, and so on, but just to throw it out there: I think Native American women are beautiful.  And I’m pretty sure a lot of people would agree with me.  

I’ve only known a few people with Native American heritage, but I haven’t met anyone who wasn’t proud of their cultural background.  And, they should be.  And you should be, too. 

It seems as if you feel that you don’t deserve better than your husband; that he is the best you can find, and you should be content to stay with him.  But you deserve better.  That is a serious understatement.  And, you need to really get it into your head that you deserve better, because I don’t think you believe it.  You deserve better.  You can have a better life.  And, being single is better than being abused.

Post # 40
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

He needs to cut the apron string and GROW UP!!  Sounds like ti is time to move on!!

Post # 42
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Forget about the house!  If you think his parents have control over your husband and you now, why on earth would you want and/or accept a house from them?

I hate to say this, but I think too much emphasis is being put on who was given a free house and its value. Accepting a home from these people is the worst possible decision you could make at this point. You have much bigger issues.

I couldn’t agree more with all of the PPs … this is a terrible situation for you and you should get out now before it escalates.

Post # 43
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Oh Daisy, I don’t know where you live but I would pick up and start anew (without your husband, sorry if that’s harsh) in perhaps a more diversified town/city. Your friends have abandoned you once they found out you are part Native American? Boyfriends stopped respecting you once they found out? I’m not so ignorant to say that racism like that doesn’t exist (unfortunately it does) but you seem to be getting way too much disrespect where you are currently living. You shouldn’t have to be happy/relieved when people you care about accept you as you are; it should be a given.

Post # 44
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Native as in from India or native American?

Regardless, this is ridiculous.  And especially ridiculous if you are part south asian, seeing as the Raj had a huge amount of interracial relationships.

Get out of there.  Your life should be happy.

Post # 45
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Ok.. maybe I’m weird.. because your story doesn’t make sense to me.. AT ALL.

I’m sorry you’re going thru this.. but why did you even get married to him?  You said when you were dating he used to STALK you? That’s not normal!  You said before your wedding he hurt you? That’s NOT normal!  You say his family makes fun of your race? WHAT?  THATS REALLY NOT NORMAL.. I don’t understand why you’re still going to their house and why you’re still with your husband if he doesn’t respect you?  I don’t get it. 

Post # 46
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

No I hear you @Babychka. The attitudes she receives from seemingly everyone around her are so hateful it’s difficult to imagine! Not saying to I don’t believe the OP, because I do, but I wish it weren’t true.

Daisy, do you live in a very small, isolated town? I’m just trying to figure out why there is so much hostility surrounding you.

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