Post # 1
Hello Fellow Bees,
Going to my BF’s older brother’s wedding. We live the furthest away, in Fl, and are attending a wedding in MD that is driving distance for everyone else. BF and I will be paying to plane tickets, driving two hours to and from an airport, paying for the hotel and we are both broke students. We were told that all the brothers and their GFs need to pay 125 for our wedding dinner. On top of the trips, we already sent in our gift to the wedding shower and we couldn’t go.
I had every intention of putting a little money in a card. But being told what to pay?!? UGH. I don’t know why it just doesn’t feel good and its really frustrating to me!!
Am I wrong?
Post # 3
@veryberry13: you are not wrong. A gift is optional and can’t be dictated by the recipient. It’s just rude.
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2013 - Garden
This request is exceptionally rude. The bride and groom should never expect guests to pay for their meal. Even if you felt obligated to gift them enough to cover your meal, they should never request the money.
If they can’t afford to pay for the reception, they shouldn’t be having it.
Post # 5
@veryberry13: They are being extremely rude and very ungrateful. If you can’t afford to host a wedding then you shouldn’t be having one liek that and should have one that is within your budget. It is not a guests job to pay for a B&G’s wants for their wedding.
Post # 6
@veryberry13: absolutely not.
asking people who are attending your wedding to pay a cover charge is beyond rude and dare I say tacky. Is it just the siblings that are being told to pay or are they telling all their invitees? You do not ask your guests to foot the bill for dinner at your wedding. If you cannot afford to feed your guests, you simply scale back your wedding to accommodate what you can afford to host!
Post # 7
@misschickpea: From what I understand, we are being asked to pay this amount because we are family. One of my friends joked that I should pay it now and expect it back when we get married….except I honestly could never imagine asking for it back omg!
Post # 8
@veryberry13: PS, ALL the brothers are IN the wedding party and we had to pay for their suits. No freebies but a pair of socks and a tie!
Post # 9
It sounds like they ran out of money while planning and are trying to recoup some of the cost. Yikes! Talk about awkward. And those are not cheap meals!
Post # 10
@veryberry13: Wow that is incredibly rude! If they’re telling you what to pay do you get to tell them what to serve and where to hold the dinner? They’re telling you that you have to help pay for their wedding and that is just wrong on too many levels, if they can’t afford a meal that expesive then they should go with a cheaper alternative.
gift (noun): something given voluntarily without payment in return, as to show favor toward someone or honor an occasion.
Post # 11
@veryberry13: in that case they’d get a lovely card with 20 dollars in it. I would not stand for that at all!
Post # 12
@veryberry13: That is sooooo rude! I would be mega pissed if I were you..
Post # 13
Etiquette Snob here… lol
As the other Bees have said, a Wedding Gift is optional… nice, but technically not required.
It sounds like you guys are already putting out a lot of money to go… Airfare – Car Rental – Hotel – Clothing as a Groomsman / Usher… – and lots of other miscellaneous things, I am sure.
Although a gift isn’t required, I don’t go empty handed to a Wedding myself, so if I was in your shoes, I’d bring a card, and put in it perhaps a modest amount that I could afford. So you are right in your assumptions.
*Wedding Gifts are to be determined by the Giver, and the amount should be reflective to how close they are to the Couple, as well as what they can afford. NO ONE should ever give so much as to create hardship (and as broke Students it does sound like you are being more than generous by attending)
The “cover your plate” concept that I’m guessing that is being presented here is not a Rule of Etiquette, it is a rather crass custom that some Couples now prescribe to (an idea in poor taste that has spread on the Internet)
What I really want to know… is WHO presented this idea to your BF… was it one of the other Brothers, or was it the Groom himself ?
Poor taste if it was a Brother… worse if it was the Groom (makes it Gift Grabby for sure) and very unappreciative of his Brother and the effort he is making to attend.
Hope this helps,
PS… A tie for the Groomsman / Usher. How generous !! Seriously, I wish more Couples would read up on “Traditional Etiquette” and what they truly should be doing for their Bridal Parties… I’m gonna guess you guys aren’t going to see much generosity extended towards you for what you are doing (Standing Up for the Groom). This concept really and truly is effed up these days… once upon a time, the Couple weren’t just so focussed on what they were “getting” out of a Wedding in regards to material elements… from friends & family, they were a lot more concerned about how they were treating those who were loving & caring about them. Modern Wedding Etiquette has slid way off the rails of common courtesy when it comes to Family Members & Bridal Parties. Those who give the most. Sad.