(Closed) Shoulda Woulda Coulda…(sorry it’s a little long)

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@butterflylove: Totally feel you. It is so hard to just keep quiet!

Post # 4
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I am all for keeping quiet if you can – but if you have questions on your mind and are worried over something, I think it is always good to ask. He didn’t seem to freak out or anything, so I doubt he felt any pressure by that talk.

Post # 5
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Have you asked him for a timeline? I don’t think it’s too much to ask to just get a general idea if he is in the “still not sure if I want to marry you” boat or the “I know I want to marry you, just not right now” boat.

It seems silly that the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, you can’t have an honest disccussion about marriage and weddings. I would just say, “I don’t want to pressure you, but not talking about this is driving me crazy. I need to know where we are and where we are going. I’d like to have an idea of a timeline. Tell me that it won’t happen for another year, or 2 years, hell even 3 years, but give me an idea of what is going on.”

Post # 6
Member
4477 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

As nice as surprises are, he really should be able to tell what year it’s happening.

Post # 7
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

@butterflylove: I don’t understand the point of keeping your feelings to yourself. What’s wrong with communication? There is a huge difference in having an adult conversation about your wants and desires for YOUR life and throwing a fit because he does not do what you want. You should be able to talk about whatever is on your mind.

Post # 10
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I feel like if you don’t know what year it’s happening, you shouldn’t be at the point where you shut up and wait for a surprise. 

My SO and I had a talk back in October and decided we wanted to get married as early as Summer 2012.  After we picked a month, discussed a few venues, and dreamed about potential honeymoon locations, I then knew it was my turn to hush and let him go about the proposal process. 

It’s much better to just sit down and have a rational discussion about both of your expectations and when you want to get married than for you to bring up weddings throughout different subject/scenarios all the time.  If I was the SO of a waiting girl, I’d be much more frustrated if conversations about other things kept coming back to a wedding than if my SO just sat me down and we got it all out at once.

Post # 12
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Do you have any other life changes coming up that might force his hand? Buying a house, moving, starting school, switching jobs? 

I know I’ve got things easier because this Fall I’ll have to move to a new city for more graduate school– if the SO wants to live with me, he knows he has to put a ring on it!

Post # 14
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

You might want to let him know how long it takes to plan a wedding. My Darling Husband, even though he was married before, just thought that I could whip one up in a few months. I had to explain to him that venues book up sometimes a year in advance and I needed several months for a dress, etc. I would just let him know that if he wants to get married the summer of 2013, that the engagement needs to be this summer.

Once you do that, then back off.

Good Luck!

Post # 16
Member
320 posts
Helper bee

@butterflylove: thank you for linking me to your post πŸ™‚

It’s amazing how closely our two situations parallel one another, from the amount of time we have been with our SOs (I will be celebrating my 4-year anniversary with SO in April), to the length of time we’ve been waiting, to our SOs’ behaviors, even our internal timelines. I mentioned in another post last week that I’ve decided to hush-up on the subject until Fall of this year. It’s going to be hard for me to make it through a 5th round of holidays with the family still unmarried, especially if we are still not atleast engaged. Unfortunately, if we aren’t engaged by the holidays of this year, its going to be time for an ultimatum or something.

I don’t know how old you are, but I will be turning 29 in May, so in a little over a year I will be 30. I definitely will not be married by then because I am definitely a ‘long engagement’ type of girl. I want to be able to enjoy the planning process and pace myself, and not have it become an added source of stress while juggling my job too. I’m starting to have a lot of depressed emotions realizing that I’m not going to be married by then, and wondering what ‘ripe age’ I WILL be when I finally have my wedding. Will it still even be special? Do you have feelings like this at all? I know you don’t want a wedding ceremony, but do you ever feel that you’re family won’t be as excited for your marriage itself by the time it comes?

 

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