Post # 1
Member
27 posts
Newbee
This is an addition from my past post.
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/is-this-addiction-real-needing-some-relationship-advice
I feel like I have (should) do all these different things for my fiance such as rubbing his back, etc, but I bring up how my shoulder/back really hurts (I know a lot of it is because of my bad posture), how I really need masages because of it, and he almost never does anything. All I hear is “Sorry it hurts”. Seriously? If I walk into the kitchen once and don’t ask him if he wants something then he HAS to say something about it. He almost NEVER asks me if I want something, I ask him. So I tell him that and that he should have just asked me if he wanted something because I would have gotten it. I mean it’s little crap like this. But, any time I bring up breaking up, not getting married, etc then he cries and appologizes and all that stuff. Well he used to, now he just gets pissed (sometimes cries), and says FINE. Doesn’t make me feel any better.
And, It’s really not brought up that often, and when it is it’s because of these situations such as the “addiction” and such, also more of a question then a statement. Sometimes I ask him if he wants to and his reply is “If that’s what you want.” No, I want to know what HE wants, but somehow everything gets thrown back on my shoulders, somehow my fault all the time, and it makes me feel like crap.
Has anyone else been in this type of situation? What did you do?
Post # 3
Member
1744 posts
Bumble bee
I don’t think relationships are always equal. Sometimes one person is having difficulty and the other person picks up the slack.
If it’s come down to counting or being resentful over who gives more back rubs or who grabs a cookie for the other from the kitchen then there are significant issues that need to be addressed. I would not enter marriage with squabbles and resentments like these unresolved.
Post # 4
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
I don’t think so. A good amount of the time my relationship is not equal. I suffer from a severe anxiety disorder and he is my rock. The important thing is I recognize the inequality and make up for it in the times I can.
Post # 5
Member
9851 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
@MissFemmeFatale: +1
I suffer from severe depression, and Fiance has been incredible through all of it. He is the one I can always turn to, and I know that we give what we can to each other without expecting anything in return. We are there for each other when we each need it.
Post # 6
Member
1078 posts
Bumble bee
I just read this post and the post you linked at the top, but if you were my friend, I’d tell you to cut your losses and move on. It seems like every little thing in your relationship is a cause for contention and that to me is a red flag. I know you guys have been together a long time, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life dealing with these issues? That’s something only you can answer, but I’d think long and hard about it. Remember, these things won’t magically go away after you get married.
Now to answer the question that titles this post: yes, I think a relationship should be equal. It won’t be equal at all times but over the long term, I think it should more or less balance out. Petty things like your kitchen issue would drive me bonkers. If you want something, be an adult and ask for it. You are not his slave. My Fiance and I both have a very low bull-crap tolerance and that wouldn’t fly with either of us.
Post # 7
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
@innominate: My So sucks at massages, and I too have horrible posture. I bought this, and it is a God send.
http://essentialgearguide.com/2008/12/heated-shiatsu-massage-pillow-loosen-up/
Post # 8
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
First of all, regarding your other thread, I couldn’t be in a relationship with that kind of person, for that reason alone. Someone who feels the need to pretend to be someone they aren’t on the internet is suffering from some really deep-seated insecurity issues. He needs to go to some therapy for that.
Now, to the present point. Why are you so concerned with making sure everything is ‘even stevens’? It’s not normal for people in a healthy relationship to be ‘keeping score’ like this. Some people aren’t good at picking up on hints. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. If you want your arm/back/shoulder/whatever rubbed, ask him to massage it for you. If he’s getting up to go into the kitchen and you want something, say, “Hey while you’re in the kitchen, can you bring me xyz thing?”
And really, you shouldn’t be bringing up ending the relationship unless that’s something you’re prepared to do. It’s not a bargaining chip, it’s not a test to see how much he loves you (is he going to cry this time? is he going to beg me to stay?), and bringing it up under that pretext has the potential to become manipulative.
It sounds like BOTH of you have a lot of work to do if you want to hold on to this relationship.
Post # 9
Member
27 posts
Newbee
@Jacqui90: And that’s how it should be. 🙂
Post # 10
Member
27 posts
Newbee
@SimpleGifts: I too have that low bull-crap tolerance and anyone who acts immature, without a good cause.
Post # 11
Member
6255 posts
Bee Keeper
I think you need to move on. There are so many problems in your relationship. When it’s the person you are supposed to be with, it will be easy. There will still be problems, but not like this.
Post # 12
Member
27 posts
Newbee
@rachelmichelle: I’m not trying to make it “even steven”, but it’d be nice if I could get some of those little things in return sometimes. I do ask him for them, but all I get in return it a sigh, a “I’m not good at it” (which I in return reassure him that I like his massages), or he’ll barely rub/scratch for like ten seconds – really not much effort put into it most times. Also, like I said, I
ask him his opinion is breaking up. I
don’t use it as a bargaining chip or to make him beg me to stay because I do not want that type of relationship. If I seriously wanted out then I would have left. I told him in the last, years ago, that I wasn’t sure about it, and we broke up, yes we did end up getting back together.
Post # 13
Member
27 posts
Newbee
@EffieTrinket: I agree, nothing will ever be perfect. I think that things should be resolved in a mature manner though, and learning how to drop things especially things that don’t even really matter, or that are insignificant. I also see other relationships that have had issues like fighting or someone cheating, and they resolve things. I’ve just always hoped for that. I’ve been nothing but super happy the past few months, minus the past couple days that I’ve been thinking about this non-stop. I think I’m just afraid of being alone, or being in that state/mood of arguing, depressed, and such.
Post # 14
Member
1292 posts
Bumble bee
All of the specifc stuff you’re talking about aside, it just seems like you aren’t very happy.
You don’t have to take my advice, but, do you want to wake up every day sad and frustrated that things aren’t working? I don’t know everything about your relationship, but that just seems to be the impression I’m getting. It seems to me that you want more than your SO is capable of giving, or wants to give, and it’s really affecting your relationship.
I personally think you should cut your losses like some others are saying and allow yourself some time to heal and really think about what you want in a relationship. You especially deserve to be happy and feel loved, so just think about that.
Post # 15
Member
457 posts
Helper bee
The combination of your two posts definitely indicates you need to move on. This is not a relationship that brings out the best of either one of you.
Regarding this post, even if your SO “isn’t good” at giving massages, shouldn’t he want to make you feel better? I’m not very good at giving massages (I have some pain issues with my hands and fingers), but I’ll always cuddle up with my fiance and lightly rub his back just to show love and comfort because I care about him.
Our relationship might not be perfectly equal if we’re counting (I think he might do more things for me than what I do for him), but it’s definitely equal in how much love and caring we have for each other.
Post # 16
Member
4272 posts
Honey bee
Do you like anything about this guy?