(Closed) Shouldn't a relationship be equal?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
1744 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think relationships are always equal.  Sometimes one person is having difficulty and the other person picks up the slack. 

If it’s come down to counting or being resentful over who gives more back rubs or who grabs a cookie for the other from the kitchen then there are significant issues that need to be addressed.  I would not enter marriage with squabbles and resentments like these unresolved. 

Post # 4
609 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think so. A good amount of the time my relationship is not equal. I suffer from a severe anxiety disorder and he is my rock. The important thing is I recognize the inequality and make up for it in the times I can.

Post # 5
9851 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

View original reply
@MissFemmeFatale:  +1

I suffer from severe depression, and Fiance has been incredible through all of it. He is the one I can always turn to, and I know that we give what we can to each other without expecting anything in return. We are there for each other when we each need it.

Post # 6
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I just read this post and the post you linked at the top, but if you were my friend, I’d tell you to cut your losses and move on.  It seems like every little thing in your relationship is a cause for contention and that to me is a red flag.  I know you guys have been together a long time, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life dealing with these issues?  That’s something only you can answer, but I’d think long and hard about it.  Remember, these things won’t magically go away after you get married. 

Now to answer the question that titles this post: yes, I think a relationship should be equal.  It won’t be equal at all times but over the long term, I think it should more or less balance out.  Petty things like your kitchen issue would drive me bonkers.  If you want something, be an adult and ask for it.  You are not his slave.  My Fiance and I both have a very low bull-crap tolerance and that wouldn’t fly with either of us. 

Post # 8
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

First of all, regarding your other thread, I couldn’t be in a relationship with that kind of person, for that reason alone. Someone who feels the need to pretend to be someone they aren’t on the internet is suffering from some really deep-seated insecurity issues. He needs to go to some therapy for that.

Now, to the present point. Why are you so concerned with making sure everything is ‘even stevens’? It’s not normal for people in a healthy relationship to be ‘keeping score’ like this. Some people aren’t good at picking up on hints. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. If you want your arm/back/shoulder/whatever rubbed, ask him to massage it for you. If he’s getting up to go into the kitchen and you want something, say, “Hey while you’re in the kitchen, can you bring me xyz thing?”

And really, you shouldn’t be bringing up ending the relationship unless that’s something you’re prepared to do. It’s not a bargaining chip, it’s not a test to see how much he loves you (is he going to cry this time? is he going to beg me to stay?), and bringing it up under that pretext has the potential to become manipulative. 

It sounds like BOTH of you have a lot of work to do if you want to hold on to this relationship.

Post # 11
6255 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think you need to move on. There are so many problems in your relationship. When it’s the person you are supposed to be with, it will be easy. There will still be problems, but not like this.

Post # 14
1292 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2019

All of the specifc stuff you’re talking about aside, it just seems like you aren’t very happy.

You don’t have to take my advice, but, do you want to wake up every day sad and frustrated that things aren’t working? I don’t know everything about your relationship, but that just seems to be the impression I’m getting. It seems to me that you want more than your SO is capable of giving, or wants to give, and it’s really affecting your relationship.

I personally think you should cut your losses like some others are saying and allow yourself some time to heal and really think about what you want in a relationship. You especially deserve to be happy and feel loved, so just think about that.

Post # 15
457 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

The combination of your two posts definitely indicates you need to move on. This is not a relationship that brings out the best of either one of you.

Regarding this post, even if your SO “isn’t good” at giving massages, shouldn’t he want to make you feel better? I’m not very good at giving massages (I have some pain issues with my hands and fingers), but I’ll always cuddle up with my fiance and lightly rub his back just to show love and comfort because I care about him.

Our relationship might not be perfectly equal if we’re counting (I think he might do more things for me than what I do for him), but it’s definitely equal in how much love and caring we have for each other.

Post # 16
4272 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Do you like anything about this guy?

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