(Closed) Shouldn’t he know by now that I’m “the one”?

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
1367 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I don’t do the whole “The One”, however, I believe at the age above 30, we should be able to determine whether the relationship is headed towards marriage or not, whether you’re with someone you want to work things out with to be in it for LOOOOONG time. And to me, 18 months is plenty of time to figure out what you want out of the relationship. I never use the word “The One” but I expect the guy to figure things out about the relationship and expectations.


Post # 18
82 posts
Worker bee

@Mrs. Harmony: As the ladies say, each person is different. It does suck to wait 6 more months to have someone say to you they don’t know if your the one, is that what he said ? Or did he say he’s doesn’t know about getting married, there is a difference.

If you gut tells you it’s time, I suggest following Mr. Bees plan and see if that helps. Start getting busy by yourself, with friends, going out, being a little less available and see if he notices and comes around to what’s going on. In the mean time you will be reclaiming and regaining  yourself and life and if in the end, it’s not the fairy tale, you will be one step ahead of the game of healing. 

Wishing you luck with whatever you choose is right for you 🙂  

Post # 19
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I will say that many will agree with the 2 year mark as being a good time to access the situation.  By two years, the lovey-dovey stage is wearing off, and you can tell if you really love each other as the people you are…. or if you loved the feeling of being in love.  I hope that makes sense.  First attractions are fueled by happy brain chemicals, and it can take about 2 years to get past those and on to the ‘real life’ part of the relationship.

Also, I ahven’t looked into your past posts, but I’ve read tham men have a ‘window’ of when marrige is the most appealing, and it’s usually between 28-36.  The closer a ‘confimred bachelor’ gets to 40, the lower his marraige thoughts get.  My 1/2 brother is a never married man who is now 44, and he’s pretty much so set in his ways that any serious relationship for him is going to be a MAJOR adjustment, and as a man, he’s cool with just dating now and then, but not having a reltionship that moves to marraige.  Women, of course, don’t have those same feelings.  Part of our feelings of accomplishment and acceptance still come from knowing that we’ve been choosen as someone’s helpmeet.     

Mrs. Harmony, your guy is kinda approaching his do-I-want-to-change-my-life-enough-for-marraige deadline, if that makes sense.  He DOES need to talk to you about it.  He needs to let you know what and why he’s ‘not sure’.  He needs to know, if you can tell him without crying (I can’t) that it makes you feel like he doesn’t value you enough to care if you’re in his life, that it hurts your self esteem, that it colors all your other time together to know that he can’t tell you what his hear is telling him.  Maybe they way you guys are trying to talk about this isn’t working for you.  I don’t know how to take another approach, but a poster put something on one of my less than happy vents like a playful checklist – I can’t remember it, but it was a little like this:

Things to do before I’ll break a hip trying:

Go to Paris

Go skydiving

Go to Tiffany’s

Eat a whole lotta great food in New Orleans

Put a Ring on it

Whitewater rafting

Take the plunge…. bungee jumping

Make an honest woman of Mrs. Harmony

Live alone with 500 cats

Go to Skywalker Ranch – Tell George Lucas the prequels sucked

Get married at a Renaissance Festival

Honeymoon in the Bermuda Triangle

Go free diving witha  spear for tuna

This is silly, but you get the point.  Maybe it can make him laugh about the questions, instead of shutting down and getting nervous.

Post # 20
1575 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Mrs. Harmony:  I think that 18 months is plenty of time… just my opinion.  I don’t think that at this point there is anything mind-blowingly new that he will learn about you that will make or break the relationship.  It is what it is…

Post # 21
1058 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I alwasy prayed that when my husband found me… he would know and not be afraid to show it. Well, when my SO and I started talking we were two weeks into a relationship before HE brought up marriage. 5 months (as of yesterday) down the road and he is still bringing up marriage and spending the rest of his life with me. Yes, your guy should know by now…. at least I think so. Trust your gut,,,, don’t be fooled.

Post # 22
3400 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think somebody should be totally sure that they have found the right person for them fairly early in a relationship, if your man doesn’t know that you are the person that he wants to spend his life with as of now, he very very likely never will fully know that. BUT, it is important to consider that somebody can be totally sure that they have found “the one” without being ready to get married within a short frame of time. My BF & I have been together for 8 months, and I feel like we both knew we would be together forever within the first 3 months (if not sooner), but we still have things on our agenda to finish and work out before we want to take the plunge (then again, we are also 19…). I think that if he isn’t sure that he wants to marry you by now, and he does in fact believe in marriage, that he will never be totally sure that you are “the one”, and that your gut is steering you in the right direction.

The biggest reason why I didn’t go back to my first love, even when he really regretted letting me go, was because I knew I would love him more than he could love me. I can’t imagine a worse feeling that loving somebody, and giving them your everything, when they are incapable of feeling 100% the same way about you.

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