Post # 17
Deep down, you know the answer to this, you just want confirmation from others of what you KNOW you should do.
If I were you, I would move out ASAP. If he needs more time, then let him have that time without you living there and giving up so much of your life. He’s taking what he has for granted and it may be better for both have to take some time apart.
If he’s still trying to get over his last marriage, then he shouldn’t get to have his cake and eat it too.
I know doing the right thing will hurt, but in the long run, you’ll be better for it.
Post # 18
I would move out and carry on the relationship with a little more casual side. Wuz the point of living/acting married if he’s not ready to commit? Unless you yourself are happy with the status quo but you are not. Move out, make yourself available to girlfriends/ social circles, and to yourself. Re-evaluate how much longer you want the status quo. He will probably do the same when you move out.
Post # 19
I have been following your story for a while…and it seems like he STILL wont change regardless of the talks you guys have had. He tells you that YOU arent emotionally ready but as you can see he is not ready. I dont think this perception of marriage will ever change for him…and he will never commit. I think that if you move out that will send quite the message…I just dont see him changing at all…Im so sorry you are going through this because you dont deserve it. It IS him…and not you…but that should not be your issue…its his.
Post # 20
I’m going to pull out an old favorite here, “He’s Just Not That Into You”, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo:
“Just remember this. Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn’t want to get married or doesn’t believe in marriage, or has “issues” with marriage, will, rest assured, someday be married. It just will never be with you. Because he’s not really saying he doesn’t want to get married. He’s saying he doesn’t want to get married to you. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married married. You shouldn’t feel ashamed, needy, or “unliberated” for wanting that. So make sure from the start that you pick a guy who shares your views for the future, and if not, move on as quickly as you can. Big plans require big action. […]
I’m not ready. This is the most often used excuse in the world, but it always seems to do the trick. Women love waiting around for men to be ready. You women must enjoy it, because you do it so much of the time.[…] Listen, we all know that couple who’s been dating five years….eight years and still hasn’t gotten married. We know it never works out well for that couple. So how about you stop waiting– and start looking for that guy who can’t wait to love you.”
Post # 21
Cinnamon Roll… you are awesome.
That is all I have to say.
Post # 22
@littlemissmango, thanks 😉 I remember being a little mad and embarassed when my mom recommended that book to me a few years ago, but it had a huge impact on me. And I met Mr. Cinnamon Roll!
Post # 23
Funny thing is I just read that book!!! I’ll wait for a little while but not forever. He said he definetly sees us married in the future and he has no doubts that I’m the one,he’s just not ready NOW. He said there was times he was going to propose but then chickened out because of his fears. I have asked specifically if he’s not sure about me or if it’s really fear from the ex. He insists that it is definetly fears and not me. I struggle with this idea…..Wouldn’t your love for a woman overcome all your fears? It would be the fear of losing me that I would THINK he would fear the most because that is a VERY strong possibility soon. I really feel in my heart that he is perfect for me but 2.5yrs. should be plenty of time to “get over it”. What makes it difficult is having to uproot my daughter who just started a new school lst yr. and made all new friends. I can try to stay in this town but finding an apartment in this area is VERY expensive and I’m not to the point of financial stablility for her and I to live on our own. The hardest thing is that I run a business out of HIS house where all my clientele is. So he’s kinda “got me” in that respect. I realize now how important it is to be financially set and independent before depending on a man and moving in before he commits!! Life lessons ahhhhh………..
Post # 24
@sunshine8, What if you set a deadline for yourself – not an ultimatum, because you’re not announcing it to him, but what if you said “six months from now, I want to be financially ready to live on my own – and if his views on marriage change by then, great, but if not, I’m moving out.” If you enjoy the time you two spend together and it’s not doing more harm than good, there’s nothing wrong with taking your own sweet time in deciding what to do. It would also give your daughter a chance to finish out the school year before you move on.
Post # 25
It’s funny because I actually did exactly what Cinnamon Roll suggested with my ex… I took time to become more independant, in my case more socially then financially; and when I was ready, I moved out. It was final. I never regretted my move because it was the right thing for me, and that man never seemed to be ready after 6 years… Sure enough, he is with someone now and was ready really soon – he would’ve never been ready with me ’cause we weren’t right for each other even if we didn’t realize it then… Anyway I met DH right after that and I too, was ready real soon! 🙂
Bottom line is: Cinnamon Roll’s idea rocks!
Post # 26
Does he think that if his gf of six years leaves him and cheats on him it isn’t going to hurt?
Post # 27
Though I sort of like the quote Cinnamon I know couples who have dated for 6/8/12 years and things did work out for them. Some of them are even in the hive.
The key I think is that those women didn’t particularly want to get married during a lot of that time and didn’t feel a need for it so there was no conflict.
Post # 28
Maybe it’s time to give him an ultimatum. I’m sorry, that’s kind of all I’ve got. He needs to get over himself and realize that if he isn’t willing to commit to you, then he shouldn’t get to reap the benefits of your company, your intimacy, your love, your time. Remind him that your relationship isn’t all about HIM– it’s about both of you. You shouldn’t have to wait around while he takes his time making his decision about what HE wants. It isn’t fair to you because if he doesn’t really, truly want to be with you forever (and on this point, it should be his actions–not his romantic words–that tell you whether he really wants to grow old with you), then you need to be free to get over him and find someone who truly DOES.
Maybe you could put it to him this way: You’re already in a relationship. How would marriage change your relationship? It isn’t like committing to be together would magically make it not work out between you two. Marriage is a promise to stay in a relationship… which shouldn’t be any different from his expectations for your relationship now! Maybe you need to make sure he isn’t just staying with you “for now” while he waits to make sure no one “more compatible” comes along. You need to move out if he isn’t willing to commit to you. What is he thinking– that you guys will just live together until you’re 80 years old, and then he’s going to feel “free” to leave you?
Those are just my opinions… Sorry if I sound bossy! I definitely don’t have everything figured out either…
Post # 29
I love Cinnamon roll’s idea. I also read the book and absolutely agree with what she said. I would have done the same thing, set a timeline for myself for financial independence and start a PO Box for myself (in case I can’t get a place yet), and start sending business correspondences there, and start to detach myself from him little by little. Mr Bee’s 3 step plan also had great advice:
Bottom line, guys know within the first few months if that girl is the one for him, and you deserve someone who will move heaven and earth to prove that to you.
Post # 30
The hive has said it well. It sounds like you’re ready to commit to him and he isn’t. Time to stand up and be independent and do things for yourself.
egb – sounds like things worked out for you – good for you!