- 6 years ago
I was getting REALLY worked up about wedding stuff (and baby stuff) this last week. Having kids is something that I’ve known for years that I would want, and I’ve just been thinking lately how much I don’t want to wait 5, 6, 7 years before completing grad school to have them, and I definitely don’t want to wait that long to be married.
On the car ride home from school the other day, my bf mentioned that one of the guys in his grad lab had a kid, and he thought that was really weird. That got me nervous, I started asking what was so weird about it, and when we got home I asked when we were going to get married/have kids, after grad school? (I’m an undergraduate senior, will be graduating in May) And he said, “We’ll get married after grad school, I don’t know about kids.”
I got really mad. From our discussions in the past, I had thought that there was at least a possibility that we would get married sometime during grad school, rather than after, and I had thought kids would come right away after grad school, especially since SO wants a lot of them. His mom wants to have a baker’s dozen of grandkids, and SO is an only child. XP my poor uterus.
When I asked why, he told me to show him how we could afford it, and that I was the one who wanted a “fairy tale wedding” (I said that almost six years ago in the first several months of our relationship, recently I said I wanted to elope and he was the one who rejected the idea, so this got me really confused), and that he wasn’t going to start our official life together in a poor financial situation. He’s a very frugal, almost stingy, practical man when it comes to money because his parents are VERY bad with it and it put a huge strain on their relationship.
I understand wanting to start off marriage on the right foot money-wise, but… I’ve got $10,000 in a savings fund that was meant for college that I haven’t touched. He knows this. He also has $7000 in the bank which he has saved up over the years, and at that number says “my bank account is sad. It’s getting low.” OMG HOW COULD YOU BE MORE INFURIATING?
We could obviously afford a “real/public” (non-elopement) wedding on what we have now without going into debt. This is one of the things that savings accounts are for!!! GRRRR. I don’t know if he just doesn’t want to touch any of that money and thinks that whatever wedding fund has to be savings from scratch? Or if he thinks our wedding will cost more than $10,000, or if he actually contributed his savings, $17,000 dollars?
I would be happy with sub-$100 dress. I would freaking wear jeans to my wedding if I could get away with it. I would be happy to have homemade cupcakes and delivery pizza at the reception. I could have the wedding and reception in the church that my dad preaches at, though I would prefer to get a different venue because 1. The reception area is really ugly and 2. I’m no longer very religious and SO has never been and I think we would feel awkward getting married in a church.
But I basically feel like I have to plan my freaking wedding before I’m even engaged and have it be within acceptable financial parameters if I have any hope being engaged in the next one or two years rather than in five years. And that’s not what I want. I want my SO’s input. I want to be engaged to him and start planning and saving and talking about what we want and need and what we don’t together.
There’s really no reason I NEED to get married before grad school is over, I just really want to. By the time I leave grad school, we will have been dating for ELEVEN YEARS… if I finish my PhD in four years. If I finish in 7, the max at my most likely university before they kick you out, we will have been dating for fourteen years. And that just puts me at the “are you effing serious” point.
That said, I’m not leaving my SO because I want to be married. I only want to be married so bad because of how great I’ve felt about us lately. I know he wants us to be able to focus on our studies without finances getting in the way. I’m just so sad right now. The possibility of marriage being almost eight years away seems unbearable after being together for 6.5 years 🙁
So should I plan and show him how to do it? Should I save by myself without his input? Should I draw up a spreadsheet of where we spend excess money and show how quickly it will pile up if we put that money in a piggy jar? Should I refuse to continue doing things which he insists on that cost money regularly, like his traditional “saturday night takeout pizza”?
Or should I just wait. For years. ????