(Closed) "Show me how we can afford it." Long, Help! :(

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
699 posts
Busy bee

@buzzyplush:  i think you need to sit him down and have a graph illustrating where your expenses go and why a wedding is feasible. don’t be all emotional & crazy, he’ll back off and rethink everything. as i say, you can lead a horse to water, u can’t make him drink.

Post # 4
Member
646 posts
Busy bee

100% I think you should do some research and figure out what you can get for a set budget. If he can see that it can be done for X amount of money, maybe that will help him along. And MAYBE, he feels like his savings account is getting low because he is buying a ring? Do you think it could be possible that he has already set everything in motion, and maybe is just feeling some stress???

Post # 5
Member
646 posts
Busy bee

PS, there is a site called wedding wire. They have a GREAT budget tracker. This might be helpul for you….really breaks down EVERYTHING needed for a wedding, and lets you set budgets/move money around

Post # 8
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee

@buzzyplush:  My SO has a lot of money in the bank, but is insisting on not touching it for my ring fund and raising it over time so I know how you feel. Some days I just want to be like, “you could buy me a ring 3 times over if you just went into your non-emergency savings for god’s sake!”. 😉

Something my SO and I did a little while ago is sit down and make a money timeline for the next 5 years. This included everything from vacations we want to take to furniture updates to our wedding. It felt really good to know that we were on the same page financially, and that we had a clear timeline. I imagine your SO has this idea of how expensive everything over the next few years will be that is kind of a scary untangible to him, and outlining it clearly may just help with that. 

Post # 9
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@buzzyplush:  I know you mentioned that you’ve already been dating a long time, but how old were both of you when you started dating?  I’m asking because if you’re still in undergrad, you’re probably onyl 21-22 (I’m guessing), which is good news…that means you have lots and lots of time.  And maybe your SO is dragging his heels a bit, and using money as an excuse, because he’s not in any rush.  Since you’ve offered to elope, and he’s not into that, then I’m guessing he just doesn’t want to be married right now.

I would give it time.  No matter what your SO is saying now, in the next few years, your friends will start getting married, some of the people in his grad program will get married, and he’ll probably become a lot more marriage minded.

The last thing you want to do is convince someone that they want to get married.  If you’re meant to be together, he’ll decide in his own time when he wants to get married, and as long as you’re young and have time before you “need” to start TTC, I think you’re fine to wait till he’s more ready (financially, emotionally, whatever).

If I misread the situation, and you’re older (30’s) and he’s telling you he wants to wait 7 years, then I understand, just for biological reasons.  Either way, good luck!  

Post # 10
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

to me, it sounds like he’s being practical and money-oriented.  I’d go ahead and make a draft of a wedding budget for what you think you want, and show him exactly how expensive it will be to get married.  then you both can judge what you’d need to save to make it happen, which would give you a timeline.

kids, however, may be a different story.  

Post # 12
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

also, are you changing your name after marriage? I told my Darling Husband that I wanted to be married before I got my PhD diploma because whatever name went on that research would be the name I kept for the rest of my life.  (he didn’t really need the kick in the pants, though, we got married this year and I just started my program.)

Post # 13
Member
2425 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@bookworm88:  Haha I wanted to get married in grad school because of this too! I figure this is the time I am starting my career, so having all my grad school publications and PhD diploma in my married name makes it an easier transition.

Post # 14
Bee
1433 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House

@buzzyplush:  I just got married during the summer after my first year of grad school – the timing was perfect.  I would recommend doing it as early in grad school as possible. 

Also a LOT of married female grad students get pregnant when they are writing up (last year) so they are around 7-8 months pregnant during their defense.  

I wouldn’t recommend having a baby while you’re in grad school but get married as soon as you can – the first year is kind of a BS year, if you wait any longer you’ll be pinning stuff and obsessed with planning when you should be studying for your qualifying exams, or conducting your thesis research! 

Post # 16
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@buzzyplush:  it’s a really valid point, no matter what the field.  I’m in humanities and I wanted my publications under one name– it’s hard enough to find a job or build a CV without having to point people in two directions! 

I’d figure out what kind of wedding you want and how much it would cost, then you can adjust accordingly and figure out where to go.  (and also see if it’s just money holding your SO back!)

you could also get married for practical reasons now and then do a vow renewal in 5 years– have the fancy wedding your SO wants but get the name change now!

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