(Closed) Shower = A Shakedown?

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
9782 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

@Moraz:  they want to do it for you. No one has a gun to their head here, relax.

Post # 4
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Moraz:  It’s not inappropriate if people offer to throw one for you! Of course, you don’t have to accept if it would really make you uncomfortable. I personally am in the “showers are fun” camp.

Post # 6
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I feel the same way as you, and my Maid/Matron of Honor insists on throwing one. Not only that, but Future Mother-In-Law says if Maid/Matron of Honor doesn’t, she will. Sooo… I’m just thinking of it as a party she’s throwing that Im invited to attend and is otherwise out of my hands. After all, it’s her thing as Maid/Matron of Honor, and the bride isn’t supposed to be involved in planning at all. Also, I asked her to add a “gifts optional” line, but we’ll see if she will remember or not… We’re making sure to register for lots of inexpensive items, and I’ve casually mentioned to friends and coworkers that I feel really weird about anyone thinking that they have to buy gifts, because I would really just prefer to spend an afternoon hanging out with them. 


Post # 7
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

It’s not like you’re hosting the party and handing out the registry information.  If someone else wants to do this for you… let them! 

Post # 8
7358 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You could request they host it as a recipe shower where guests bring their favorite recipes as their gift instead of a traditional boxed gift.

Post # 10
3210 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@Moraz:  I don’t like being the centre of attention and I feel weird about having a party thrown for me with the purpose of getting gifts. I would be grateful just that people took time away from their lives to come spend time with me. I’d be waaaay too uncomfortable if people brought gifts too.

There has been talk of people throwing me a shower, and I’ve absolutely shut it down. For the friends who were particularly insistent, I flat out told them that it’s something that makes me uncomfortable. I like going to showers, but I know I would feel weird at my own. My best friend is really insistent, to the point of being pushy, and I told her if this is something that she wants to do as my best friend, then a simple gathering at her home with no gifts would be fine. It’s definitely more for her than for me at this point, so I’m humouring her.

Post # 11
4040 posts
Honey bee

@Moraz:  I’ve been to church showers, where all the ladies are invited (not just those invited to the wedding), bring covered dishes of their favorites,the recipe card for the dish, and a non-perishable ingredient (sometimes a spice). It’s lots of fun and everyone enjoys it. It would work with workplace showers, too.

Post # 12
1634 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Tell your Maid/Matron of Honor that you don’t want a shower. A luncheon, a celebration, a send off to marriage- something other than “shower.” Some people will want to bring you something so don’t create a registry and that will become less and less people who bring you a gift. Your Maid/Matron of Honor can suggest a “gift” such as their favorite recipes or bring a picture of you and the bride to be. 

Post # 13
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@Moraz:  I didn’t like the idea of one either.  I said NO two times but after that it seemed to be causing drama by me turning down the efforts of my aunt – who really wanted to do it.

i got over myself.  Yes I was a bit uncomfy opening gifts in front of people but if they can show up and buy them for me…I can deal with a bit of uncomfyness

People do what they want to do.  It was a really great experience and I’m glad I finally gave in.  People came from all over the country to come to my shower.  I was floored by their generosity for even coming and then they had insanely gorgeous gifts to give on top of everything.  I felt very loved and supported.  It was wonderful.

If someone wants to do it for you…let them.  

Post # 14
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think showers are fun, but personally I shut down any talks when people suggested I have one. I don’t like a party for the sole purpose of giving me more gifts, on top of the gifts I’ll likely get from those same people at the wedding. It’s just too much for me and seems rude, regardless of the fact that other people want to throw it. I have final say, and that’s a no.

Post # 15
2598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Moraz:  The custom of a shower emerged when a community would “shower” a new bride or mother to be with SMALL, charming gifts to help usher and establish her in a NEW phase of her life.  

Unfortunately, greedy people have turned this sweet custom into mosterous greed fests.  

The way to avoid this is to allow a non-relative to host your ONE shower, only invite women who are also invited to the wedding, and don’t do anything ghastly like have a “money shower” or try to direct your guests gift giving and you’ll be fine.

Post # 16
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I felt the same way.  I really don’t enjoy going to showers, and I don’t relish being the center of attention.  The thought of opening a lot of gifts in front of people makes me cringe.  So, I threw down the gauntlet and refused to have a shower despite my MOH’s enthusiasm for hosting one.  I think my mom and Mother-In-Law were disappointed too, but honestly I would have completely dreaded the experience.  I hate being expected to be fake nice and polite and did not want to have to pretend to be appreciative of something that I really didn’t want.

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