(Closed) Shower Drama!

posted 10 years ago in Parties
Post # 1
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

My Maid/Matron of Honor, along with my mother, are trying to throw a "surprise" shower, though my Maid/Matron of Honor accidentally spilled the beans before realizing it was a surprise, and my fiance keeps accidentally saying things.

That said, my mother asked my fiance for a list of individuals I would like to try to invite from my side, and asked my fiance to get a list from his mother of people she would like to have invited to the shower.  I know a lot of people have big, all out showers (my cousins invited every female invited to the wedding), but I wanted something smaller and more intimate with people I know better — we had a big engagement party already and I wasn’t thrilled with spending the whole time trying to meet people I hadn’t known before, rather than spending time with my own out of town family who I only see every few years.

Another big reason why I don’t want a big shower is because of the financial constrains — my bridesmaids and Maid/Matron of Honor are ALL in graduate school and don’t have a lot of money, and my parents are footing a huge chunk of the bill so I don’t want them to feel obligated to contribute more.  My fiance’s mother sent us this HUGE list of everyone she wants invited, and it’s more than double the number of people I wanted invited, total, from both sides.  We brought up the point to her that we probably would not invite everyone and could she prioritize, and she doesn’t understand why we can’t invite everyone.

What is the best, most tactful way to hande the situation?  I don’t mean to be bridezilla here, but I thought the shower was kind of about the bride, not about the mother in-law?   I don’t want my closest friends to have to shell out hundreds and hundreds of dollars to invite people that I don’t even know! If my mother in law wants to have all these people, is it wrong to suggest that she find someone from her side of the family to throw a shower?  That just seems SO AWFUL in my mind, and I’m not being greedy — I’d rather NOT have a big shower or a second shower at all, but nobody seems to care about what I want.  I’m also in graduate school and have no money, but would it be appropriate for me to chip in $500 or so towards the shower just so my bridesmaids don’t have to pay?  I don’t know how to deal with the situation without pissing off someone, and I don’t want to start any family rifts by refusing to invite people my Future Mother-In-Law wants, or create problems with my bridesmaids because there are more people than they can afford to have.  Truthfully, I’d rather NOT have a shower at all or just a bridesmaid lunch instead, and I’ve brought this up multiple times but nobody will listen.

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Post # 3
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I don’t really understand why your Future Mother-In-Law doesn’t quite understand the simple fact that not only do you not want a big shower but it’s not afordable. Even if she can’t see the "I don’t want a big shower" it’s so hard to understand that she doens’t get that people can’t afford to throw this big of a party.

I would have your friends throw you a shower with the people that you want there, a small intimate one and if your mother in law wants to have a million people there, let her know that the space is too tight the money for it is tighter and she can throw a shower of her own if she wants to invite all those people.

This is about you, and you shoulnd’t forget that!!! Don’t spend all your time pleasing other people, you’ll never end up witht he wedding you want.

Good luck, keep us updated. 

Post # 4
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2008

Agreed. You seem to know what you want–and you should stick to your guns! You are definitely not being a bridezilla. It’s very easy for everyone involved in a wedding to lose perspective. As the bride, you need to keep everyone focused on what you want. You seem to have made it clear, but I wouldn’t give up. Find a few key allies–your fiance, mother, MOH–and enlist them to help herd everyone in the right direction. They may seem a little put off at first, because they want to do this for you, but if you consistently and firmly say what you want, then they should respond by acquiescing. Not to do so, after clear and firm messages to the contrary would, after all, hurst the bride. No one wants that. Be very clear about what you want, and what you expect from people at the very beginning. Best of luck.

Post # 5
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - The Desmond Hotel in Malvern, PA

Julie, as a former Maid/Matron of Honor in a very similar situation, I can definitely sympathize.  I wanted to host a nice, intimate shower for my best friend, but I was given a list of 70+ women that were to be invited, and I really didn’t have much of a choice.  I was hosting with the 6 other bridesmaids, but as the Maid/Matron of Honor I felt responsible for really making this a beautiful affair for my best friend, yet I felt a little trapped into this huge guest list.  Probably 60% of the guests were older women from the groom’s side that my friend barely knew, and I was a little baffled that no one considered breaking the group up into two showers.  But, they didn’t, and I had to take lemons and make lemonade out of the situation.

It was tough at times, but we were able to pull together a really nice shower for under $200 a bridesmaid.  Actually I think it was more like $175 for most, and I threw in extra because I wanted to and I felt like I should as the Maid/Matron of Honor.  We held it at a clubhouse in a development that one of the girls lived in, with a $100 rental fee for the whole afternoon.  We all made different foods, I DIYed all of the decorations and favors, and we used linens and dishes that were included in the clubhouse. Was it the intimate shower I wanted for her? Not necessarily, but it was lovely, she got wonderful gifts to add to her new home, and we didn’t break the bank.  

I agree that your Future Mother-In-Law should think twice about forcing your ‘maids to invite all of the guests that she wants invited, but the fact is that a lot of mothers in older generations have never heard of multiple showers; they got married in an age when there was one shower for the bride hosted by the bridesmaids, and that was that.  We live in a world where wedding guest lists have gotten longer and party hosting has evolved, but not everyone sees those changes or sees a reason to stray from what they’re used to. 

I know it is hard when you have your heart set on a small shower, but sometimes we don’t have control over these situations.  Not every woman invited to the wedding needs to be invited to a shower, but in reality it is a nice gesture to include guests in some of the pre-wedding events.  You might not know them very well, but I’m sure your Future Mother-In-Law is proud to be gaining you as a daughter-in-law and she is excited for her son’s wedding, and she wants to celebrate with people she is close to (even if they don’t know you that well).  A shower is a way for them to get to know you better. 

With that said, it still might not be a bad idea to have a real (and level-headed!) heart-to-heart with your Future Mother-In-Law (or ask Fiance to step in) and mention that your ‘maids are strapped for cash, and/or the space they were hoping to use is smaller than her list allows for, and you were wondering if there would be any way to see if someone would be willing to host a separate shower on her side of the family.  If she is apalled by this idea, maybe give her a restriction on the number of guests she can invite based on how much your ‘maids can afford, and if she is still insistent on inviting more people, nicely ask if she would be able to contribute financially.  It might still not be the small shower you hoped for, but it might keep the peace, and you can plan an intimate bridesmaid’s luncheon as a thank you for your girls later on, to enjoy your friends in a smaller setting.  

Although this is about you as Sweeney2Be said, it is also about two families merging together and sometimes we have to make compromises with family. In the grand scheme of things, it will not make your wedding any less amazing, I’m sure!  And not that gifts should ever be the motive for having a large shower, but I’m sure it won’t hurt to get some things for your new life with Fiance

Good luck!! 

Post # 6
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t think it’s inappropriate at all to mention to your Future Mother-In-Law that you would like the shower thrown by your bridesmaids to be smaller and more intimate. You are only able to invite X guests from her side of the new family. It’s also not inappropriate, IMO, to mention that if she would like so many people from DF’s side of the family to attend a shower perhaps someone on her side of the family can host an additional shower.

 

I wouldn’t chip in to either shower though – especially if you are able to keep the bridesmaid-hosted shower small, it’s not necessary for you to contribute financially – it’s a party for you! A nice hostess gift is always appropriate though. 

Post # 7
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee

Maybe you can say there are space constraints ? Perhaps, say something along the lines that you can invite XYZ number of people, and if she could reduce the list. Also engage fiance, it’s his Mom after all, might be easier.  

Post # 8
Member
638 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2007

I would encourage two showers or more.

1.  They would both/all be smaller in size which would make you more comfortable.

2.  You could have the intimate shower with your close friends/family.  And it would be addordable for your maids.

3.  Since the shower your Future Mother-In-Law would host would be smaller – you might actually get a chance to talk to and get to know all these women that are so important to her – which would be nice.  That would also make them being at your wedding more special – cause you might even know them by name by then!  (That might be a good selling point to her!)

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