Shower etiquette

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I’d say invite them and insist on no gift on their invitation or when you talk to them?

If they bring a gift anyway, well not much you can do, but if they don’t get invited it’s like punishing them for giving a great gift..

Post # 3
Member
1692 posts
Bumble bee

You sound like people who  appreciate what is proper, and who value pleasant social intercourse more than the potential loot to be garnered at a shower. So here is a simple solution: replace the word “shower” on your invitations, checklists and planning chart with the word “tea”. A shower is implicitly a mandatory-gift event. Soliciting gifts for your own daughter is not quite nice. If your daughter truly needs a stand-mixer and cannot provide one for herself, then you help her out with that instead of holding a charity event to get out of that obligation.

Because a “shower” is basically just that: charity — a call on the invitees to show their love by actively providing material goods. It’s become a tradition, but it’s still an ambiguous tradition of dubious taste, best left to the bride’s best friends who can be trusted to know who will actually WANT to give a little extra to the bride, or to the social convener at work or church or club who will simply take up a collection so that no-one needs to give more than they want. A “tea” on the other hand is a purely social event at which gifts are inappropriate: all the social nicety of a shower without the material aspect, and entirely appropriate to be hosted by the bride’s close relatives.

Post # 4
Member
2844 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

I don’t necessarily agree with the pp above me. It is no where near uncommon for mothers to host bridal showers / baby showers for their daughters in my location (Southern Indiana). If you are in a location where it is also common, don’t feel like the shower you are planning for your daughter is “charity.” 

As for your OP, I would still invite them to the shower but just insist that they do not bring a gift. You could simply insert a handwritten note in with their invitations that let them know that their presence is present enough. 

Post # 6
Member
3712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I would absolutely invite them but follow up with a phone call letting them know that you hope they can come to enjoy the party but that they have contributed more than enough to the wedding and not to bring a gift. They may still show up with a small gift, but at least they know that their “service gift” is recognized as an actual gift as well. 

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