Post # 1
I think I already know the answer to this, I’m just looking for a little guidance. My stepmother has been planning to throw a shower for me for her friends/family members. I recently saw her guest list and noted that several women are not invited to the wedding (which she knows). I pointed this out and told her I am not comfortable with this. She said that they understand they are not invited to the wedding, but want to come to the shower to celebrate with me. I reinforced that I am still not comfortable with the plan. She wants to go ahead with the shower as planned.
We have no more room for guests at the wedding. We are at capacity. We have already invited several of her friends/family members. The uninvited friends that she wants to invite to the shower will most likely not attend the wedding if invited. Should I chance it and invite them to the wedding (I really don’t want to), let her invite them to the shower knowing that they are not invited to the wedding, or just tell her “no” on the shower invites (which I don’t think she will accept).
I feel like I am in a really difficult position.
Post # 3
I was in the same situation – sort of. My mom added ladies to the shower guest list that I was not inviting to the wedding. Lucky for me, I just reminded her of this etiquette rule and she was ok with taking them off. BUT, I think if she was insistent they be invited to the shower I would’ve told her ok but I’m not extending them a wedding invite.
And I voted absolutely tell her no even though she won’t listen. In the end though, it’s her who will have to deal with her friends.
Post # 4
Normally I completely agree with the etiquette that you do not invite people to pre-wedding events if they are not invited to the wedding. In fact, I’m trying to get my Fiance to not invite a guy to the bachelor party that he already decided not to invite to the wedding, but I digress. However in this case since these women already know they aren’t being invited to the wedding and your stepmom is going to invite them anyway I think it’s ok. The point of this etiquette rule is so that people don’t assume they are being invited to the wedding and then get their feelings hurt. If they are ok with not being invited to the wedding then I think it’s fine.
Post # 5
I was in EXACTLY your position, except I didn’t find out about it until I got to the shower. Awkward. I didn’t have the room to invite anyone else, I was not the one that invited women to the shower who were not invited to the wedding, and there really wasn’t anything I could do. So I sent them heartfelt thank you notes, and moved on. I suggest you do the same. It’s her party, her guest list, you’ve made your concern known, and now you just need to be the gracious bride. I know you’re uncomfortable, and I totally understand, but try to let it go and enjoy your shower!
Post # 6
You’ve already tried to say no to the host, and she won’t remove them from the guest list. From my perspective, you’ve done your duty. As long as these women don’t expect an invite to the wedding, I’d say just let them come.
Post # 7
Thanks for the responses. This is actually the opposite of what I was expecting!
@mrsmdphd – I would be so unbelievably uncomfortable!!!
Part of my discomfort stems from the fact that I don’t know several of the invited friends. It seems to me that this bridal shower is more about honoring her as MOB (I am likely the only stepchild she will get to do this for), and the shower is more for her friends to acknowledge her, and to gift her “kid” with presents as she has gifted theirs. It all feels very weird to me, and I will feel uncomfortable opening their gifts and talking about the wedding plans with all of them present.
I guess I should just get over it and let her handle it.
Post # 8
I agree, I would let her handle it. You have made your point clear that you cannot invite them.
In some situations inviting people to showers/bachelorette parties, etc and not inviting them to the wedding is not the wierdest thing ever so I think if she thinks its ok or normal then let her be and go with it.
Post # 9
- Wedding: May 2011 - Vandiver Inn
You did your due dilligence on this one. If she says they know they aren’t invited to the wedding but they’d still like to come, just take her at face value. This is her responsibility now, not yours.
Post # 10
I agree with everyone else. You’ve done your part, and if your stepmother’s guests know that they are not invited to the wedding but still want to attend the shower, that’s their call. They may truly just want an opportunity to celebrate with you even if it’s not at the wedding.
A somewhat similar situation: my mother’s friend’s daughter was getting married, but my mom was not invited to the wedding. However, my mom still wanted to share in this special occassion, so she actually only attended the ceremony, which she was more than happy to do even though she was not invited for the reception.
Post # 11
I agree with everyone else. If your stepmom already told them they’re not invited to the wedding, then it’s not an issue. There are showers held at offices where coworkers aren’t invited and things like that. I really think the issue is that they’ll assume they’re invited to the wedding, be hurt, and then feel like the shower was a gift grab. But if they’re your stepmom’s friends and she’s spoken with them about the situation, then let her invite them. MOB is a big deal (and if your biological mom is in the picture, then she might feel like this is her only chance to shine, so let her).
Post # 12
I just made a post about this yesterday. It must be inappropriate bridal shower season! The same thing happened to me, and I got the same advice as you got above. Let her deal with it. She’s the one that will look bad for inviting people to the shower that aren’t invited to the wedding. You’ve done all you could do to preserve the etiquette of the affair.
Post # 13
Lol A few friends & I were recently told by a grad school classmate to “get ready” for her upcoming shower… but we did not receive STD & I’m positive we’re not invited to her wedding… A little odd but I think it’s because she does not have many people to invite to the shower.
In your position, it’s your stepmother who lacks etiquette, not you.