(Closed) shower etiquette

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: what should i do?
    let her handle it...they are her friends and she has already spoken with them : (30 votes)
    81 %
    invite them to the wedding also, they are out of state and unlikely to attend : (1 votes)
    3 %
    say absolutely not to the guests in question...even though she won't listen : (6 votes)
    16 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1269 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2011

    I was in the same situation – sort of.  My mom added ladies to the shower guest list that I was not inviting to the wedding.  Lucky for me, I just reminded her of this etiquette rule and she was ok with taking them off.  BUT, I think if she was insistent they be invited to the shower I would’ve told her ok but I’m not extending them a wedding invite. 

    And I voted absolutely tell her no even though she won’t listen.  In the end though, it’s her who will have to deal with her friends.

    Post # 4
    Member
    518 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    Normally I completely agree with the etiquette that you do not invite people to pre-wedding events if they are not invited to the wedding. In fact, I’m trying to get my Fiance to not invite a guy to the bachelor party that he already decided not to invite to the wedding, but I digress. However in this case since these women already know they aren’t being invited to the wedding and your stepmom is going to invite them anyway I think it’s ok. The point of this etiquette rule is so that people don’t assume they are being invited to the wedding and then get their feelings hurt. If they are ok with not being invited to the wedding then I think it’s fine.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1135 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2009

    I was in EXACTLY your position, except I didn’t find out about it until I got to the shower.  Awkward.  I didn’t have the room to invite anyone else, I was not the one that invited women to the shower who were not invited to the wedding, and there really wasn’t anything I could do.  So I sent them heartfelt thank you notes, and moved on.  I suggest you do the same.  It’s her party, her guest list, you’ve made your concern known, and now you just need to be the gracious bride.  I know you’re uncomfortable, and I totally understand, but try to let it go and enjoy your shower!

    Post # 6
    Member
    2819 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    You’ve already tried to say no to the host, and she won’t remove them from the guest list. From my perspective, you’ve done your duty. As long as these women don’t expect an invite to the wedding, I’d say just let them come.

    Post # 8
    Member
    3762 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    I agree, I would let her handle it.  You have made your point clear that you cannot invite them. 

    In some situations inviting people to showers/bachelorette parties, etc and not inviting them to the wedding is not the wierdest thing ever so I think if she thinks its ok or normal then let her be and go with it. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    622 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2011 - Vandiver Inn

    You did your due dilligence on this one. If she says they know they aren’t invited to the wedding but they’d still like to come, just take her at face value. This is her responsibility now, not yours.

    Post # 10
    Member
    385 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    I agree with everyone else. You’ve done your part, and if your stepmother’s guests know that they are not invited to the wedding but still want to attend the shower, that’s their call.  They may truly just want an opportunity to celebrate with you even if it’s not at the wedding.

    A somewhat similar situation: my mother’s friend’s daughter was getting married, but my mom was not invited to the wedding.  However, my mom still wanted to share in this special occassion, so she actually only attended the ceremony, which she was more than happy to do even though she was not invited for the reception.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1126 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    I agree with everyone else.  If your stepmom already told them they’re not invited to the wedding, then it’s not an issue.  There are showers held at offices where coworkers aren’t invited and things like that.  I really think the issue is that they’ll assume they’re invited to the wedding, be hurt, and then feel like the shower was a gift grab.  But if they’re your stepmom’s friends and she’s spoken with them about the situation, then let her invite them.  MOB is a big deal (and if your biological mom is in the picture, then she might feel like this is her only chance to shine, so let her).

    Post # 12
    Member
    1506 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I just made a post about this yesterday. It must be inappropriate bridal shower season! The same thing happened to me, and I got the same advice as you got above. Let her deal with it. She’s the one that will look bad for inviting people to the shower that aren’t invited to the wedding. You’ve done all you could do to preserve the etiquette of the affair.

    Post # 13
    Member
    33 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Lol A few friends & I were recently told by a grad school classmate to “get ready” for her upcoming shower… but we did not receive STD & I’m positive we’re not invited to her wedding… A little odd but I think it’s because she does not have many people to invite to the shower.

    In your position, it’s your stepmother who lacks etiquette, not you.

    The topic ‘shower etiquette’ is closed to new replies.

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