(Closed) shower ettiquete dilema…i think my mom is in the wrong

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Bride, I agree with you.  I don’t think it is appropriate to put this in the bulletin and invite people to the shower who are not invited to the wedding.  Even though it sounds like your mom and the ladies might not mind, and have good intentions, I don’t think it is appropriate etiquette-wise.

Post # 4
3281 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Im not sure the etiquette on this but if this church is a place you grew up in Im sure some of these ladies would want to be a part of your wedding shower. Most people understand that not EVERYONE can be invited to a wedding, especially a whole church. LIke I said before if these women knew you when you were small and have seen you grow up I dont see anything terribly wrong with it….but that might just be me lol

Post # 5
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think you are going to get a lot of comments about how wrong this is and how you should only invited wedding guests to the showers. However, if your church is anything like my church then I don’t think this will be a problem. Our church ALWAYS has a card shower for any couple at the church getting married regardless of who they are inviting to the wedding. They view it as a way for the congregation to celebrate with the couple without the bride and groom having to invite an additional 500 people. There will be, of course, a few ladies invited to the shower who will whine, complain, moan, and gossip but they will do that regardless of anything that happens in life. And..if they were invited to your wedding they would just gossip and judge about that too. All in all, I don’t think it will be a major problem. Just be sure to send thank yous and perhaps even share your pictures after the wedding.

Post # 6
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Yes she is in the wrong. You can accept the shower graciously. First, it’s not proper for her or any other relative to host it to begin with but nothing you can do at this point to stop it since you aren’t to be involved in any of the planning. While yes it is true that it is rude to invite folks who are not invited to the wedding, this is falling into the category of what work showers tend to be where coworkers and bosses are not invited but they want to share in your happiness anyway. Your other option is to decline the shower. Either way, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place, and whatever you decide, you are not the one who will look bad to those invited to the shower.

It has nothing to do with what is common in your church or social circle since it a breach of etiquette, and has nothing to do with tradition or region. They are completely different things.

Post # 7
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Your mother is wrong.  The shower should be just for those invited to the wedding.  I think eeh2010’s church has a wonderful idea with the card shower.

Post # 8
5761 posts
Bee Keeper

If this is the norm in your church there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, nor for your Mom and Aunt to be hosting it. It isn’t like a more traditional shower anyway, and those that want to come will come. I wouldn’t worry about it one bit.

Post # 9
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I can see both sides. Honestly, although it doesn’t happen so much anymore, but in the small rural town I grew up in, it was very common to have what was called a community shower. It was at these showers that the whole community or in your case the church would be invited. It wasn’t obligatory to bring a gift but it was more of a way for you to meet the people in your community and for them to meet you and to celebrate your upcoming marriage.  So, you could think of it that way. I know my my mom had one and she loved it. She had moved to the country from the city and had no idea about that it was going to be a community shower until old farmers from who knows where dropped by to say hi or to bring by a towel they had gotten in town or ladies from all over bringing small gifts or pies.

Post # 10
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I should add, that all these people were NOT invited to the wedding. It was just something the community did for every newly engaged girl without expecting to be invited to the wedding.

Post # 11
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

It really depends on the wedding.  I had a work shower and no one from work was invited to the wedding.  

My mom also put an invitation in our bulletin inviting the congregation to our wedding ceremony.  I think a very small number of people may have stopped by but it was more just a way to announce the wedding.  

Post # 12
14 posts
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think the idea that a relative shouldn’t throw you a shower is completely outdated. Why does it matter who wants to celebrate your marriage by throwing you a shower? You didn’t force them to do it and you’re not telling everyone that they need to give you gifts.

I also don’t think the church shower is a big deal. Like someone else said, it’s like the showers we have at work. Everyone is invited to the shower & a lot of people bring gifts, but no one there automatically assumes that they are invited to the shower. I’m sure that your church family doesn’t assume that all of the congregation is invited.

In the end, it’s your wedding and your mom’s shower. Do want you want and don’t worry about what anyone says. If you worry about everyone else all the time you will never enjoy this happy occasion in your life.

Post # 13
529 posts
Busy bee

Is this a common practice at your church? Have you seen other notices in the bulletin? I completely agree with you, though I am aware that there are regional differences. Maybe you (or you could convince your MOH) to help make nice invites instead – is your mother just too overwhelmed to send these?

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