Post # 1
FI’s aunt is generously throwing me a shower. I told her I wasn’t comfortable with it, it wasn’t necessary, etc.
The day after I "agreed", she sent out the invitations. The invitation lists three people as shower hosts (including his aunt). The other 2 weren’t on the invitation list, and now they’re co-hosting my shower? I’ve only met one of them – and I met her once!
I now feel billied into inviting them to our SMALL celebration dinner, but I’m wondering who else was invited that I have to invite? I really do appreciate that she’s doing this for me, but I feel it’s also putting Fiance and I in a weird position since we haven’t sent invites yet.
We wanted the AHR to be small and intimate. The other women are FMIL’s cousins. My parents’ cousins aren’t invited because we wanted to limit the guestlist (even though Fiance has met them).
I fear a few things:
1) People will find out we’re having a dinner and be REALLY offended they’re good enough to "shower" me with gifts, but not good enough to come celebrate the wedding. They won’t ask, of course, but assume I’m a bridezilla and "<groom> would have insisted on inviting us, she must have bullied him out of it."
2) FI’s aunt/mom/other invited person will tell them they can come anyway, and give them the info. (Their family clearly doesn’t consider etiquette to be important.)
What do you think I should do?
Post # 3
If I understand your post correctly, in my mind, the job of making sure everyone is clear and happy is the host of the bridal shower (this same thing happened to me). I let the host know that I was uncomfortable inviting guests to the shower that wouldn’t be attending the wedding, and that I would like her to "feel out" these guests to make sure that they were clear before accepting the invitation to the shower. She was the go-between, I had nothing to do with it (nor should I have! how awkward) But she insisted these people were fine with it, and they were so everyone was happy.
When I wrote the thank you notes, I just commented how fortunate we were that we had so many people to support us in our marriage and new life together… which is true. (as opposed to mentioning the wedding)
Conversely, if it’s not too many extra people you could just lop them onto the invite list and chalk it up…
Post # 4
Two of the hosts of said shower are part of my problem though. She’s already sent invitations for the shower, I have not yet sent my dinner invitations. I suppose I COULD add them — but my parents are paying and not inviting their relatives due to budget/size restrictions, yet FI’s family can invite randoms?
Maybe I’m just being a brat and should just suck it up and invite them…but I don’t wanna!
ok – bridezilla moment over.
Post # 5
You need to be straightforward with your FI’s aunt — she should have gone over all the guests with you or your Fiance before sending invitations out for a shower, no ifs ands or buts about it!Â If she invited people to the shower who are not invited to your wedding, she needs to humbly tell them that she made a mistake and did not clear things with you beforehand, and/or didn’t realize how small of a reception dinner you were planning to have.Â She needs to take ownership of any mistakes and make sure people know that you and your Fiance made decisions TOGETHER as far as the guest list and that nothing is meant to exclude people intentionally, but simply to accommodate the small budget/venue/whatever.
You also might want to bring it up lightly with her at first — maybe the people helping to host the shower completely realize that they are not invited to the wedding celebration, but wanted to host a shower for you nonetheless because they are just nice people.Â Clear up those details before taking any other action; but it sounds like you don’t think this is the case.Â Also, don’t assume that other people invited to the shower aren’t invited to the wedding until you get a clear list from her of the people she invited to the shower.Â Â
As far as telling people they can come to the wedding without your go-ahead, you need to again be very straightforward (and your Fiance needs to 100% back you up) that this is not an option, BEFORE something like this happens.Â If they insist that you need to add these people to your list, are said family members paying for the additional guests?Â I’m guessing not, so that needs to be addressed because you should not be expected to pay for guests that you did not choose to invite and were basically forced into inviting.
Post # 6
I had the same thing–only 2 of 3 "hosts" were actually invited to the wedding (and it was peeps on the grooms side, which is tricky). I think Miss Blushing gives good advice here. The people who were not invited were completely understanding (including said host).
You could also create a diversion/way out for this host by telling her one or two people (aunts, cousins, bridesmaids, whatever) that ARE invited to the wedding have approached you about possibly co-hosting, thus letting those who aren’t invited to the dinner off the hook gracefully…