- 4 years ago
- Wedding: April 2017
I am not sure if the title makes sense, so I will give the backstory.
FI’s family all live out of state. When we got engaged, actually, even before that, we told his family that we were planning on having a small-ish wedding (around 125-130 people). Fi’s two younger siblings both got married within the last 2 years and each had a wedding with > 250 guests. His mom was at first fine with this as the wedding is where we live and these guests would have to travel (2 hour flight or 8 hour car ride). However, as it has gotten closer, she started to get a bit upset, saying she had to cut a lot of her friends that she invited to the other siblings’ weddings and they wouldn’t get the chance to see her last son get married. She wanted to have a separate reception for those guests in her state, but Fiance didn’t want her to as he felt it was gift grabby and felt very weird about it because they were not going to be invited to the actual wedding. He talked to his mom several times – very nicely – and she finally backed down and said she would not have this separate reception for us.
We thought it was a resolved issue until we went to his home state this past weekend for our shower that she insisted on throwing for us. FI was shocked to see several women there that were not on our guest list! These are the same women she wanted the separate reception for.
Fiance was clearly very upset and when he talked to his mom after the shower, she said there was no need to invite them to the wedding. She told her friends that we were having a small wedding but they still wanted to give us a gift so she invited them to the shower.
Fiance told her it was bad ettiquete to not invite them to the wedding and she scoffed his concerns off, saying they “understand”. It was clear that this was a bit of a power struggle between them. I really like his mom but it’s clear she didn’t listen to our concerns. FI is the middle of 5 kids and the only one that lives out of state because he feels his parents were always way too involved in his and his siblings lives. He has a good relationship with them but he felt like he had to move away in order to get away from that control. She is still very involved in her adult kids’ lives – both from a financial aspect (even though none of them are struggling financially) and giving her opinions and advice – and the kids listen to her.
FI’s dad wasn’t much help, saying that we were worried about nothing. Even his siblings think he is being a bit selfish and we should have let her throw us the separate reception.
So now what do we do? Do we just invited these people to the actual wedding? Or do we let her throw us another reception? If we do invited them – about 20 extra people, chances are many would actually come. But, Fiance feels if we invite these friends that weren’t originally on the list, that we are letting his mom “win”. He feels like we are really in a no win situation, and I also feel that if we let his mom invite these extra people, I have to give my parents the same option. Our venue has the room, but then the wedding will become bigger than we originally wanted. His mom also said previously that she would give us the extra money to accomodate them, so I am assuming that offer would still be in place if we gave in and invited them.
What would you do in this situation?