Shower invitees we weren't planning on inviting to wedding

posted 3 years ago in Reception
  • poll: Shower guests not invited to wedding
    Just invite them to the wedding : (13 votes)
    87 %
    Let FI's mom throw us a separate reception : (2 votes)
    13 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    1169 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    I wouldn’t have the second reception.  It reflects badly on your Mother-In-Law, not you, because she was the one who invited the extra people to the shower.  Let her be the bad guy.

    Post # 3
    Member
    47212 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    sunnierdaysahead2 :  I don’t think you need to do anything. She decided the guestlist for the shower,  not you.

    Although the general rule is that shower guests should be invited to the wedding, it is not improper for a group of people who want to shower the bride, knowing they are unlikely to be invited to the wedding,  to host a shower and do so. My Mom’s old neighbour ladies hosted a shower for me that I couldn’t even attend. They gave the gifts to my Mom, then wrapped them and shipped them to me.

    T

     

    Post # 4
    Member
    459 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2017

    I would feel conflicted and want to issue the invitation, however I’ve learned to draw a hard line with boudary stompers.  Thank the women for the gifts and move on.  Do not invite them, and do not accept the second reception.  I would make a point of telling your Future Mother-In-Law that you guys won’t attend that kind of an event and have no immediate plans to travel to her state.  The fact that your Fiance has said that he moved to get away speaks volumes.  Follow his lead.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1004 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    Personally I’d invite them. Why not?

    Otherwise she has made it clear that they “don’t mind” so you honestly may be putting too much energy and thought into this.

    Post # 6
    Member
    229 posts
    Helper bee

    I think it’s in bad taste to invite people to a shower, but not a wedding. However that was HER bad, not yours. It sounds like they already know they won’t be invited, so if you really don’t want the extra guests, I’d skip their invites and let it be. I think you’re worrying too much.

    If you truly don’t mind, then go ahead and invite them if she’s reimbursing you the expense. Nothing wrong with extra guests. I think your Fiance is being a little silly about ‘letting her win’. I’d have no problem with inviting them if the cost was covered and there was space.

    Personally, I wouldn’t do a second reception. That sounds exhausting, esp if you have to travel.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2588 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    sunnierdaysahead2 :  well considering my mother is adamant on inviting her friends to the shower that she insists on throwing me in her home, knowing we don’t have room for them at the venue, even through I have protested… I am going to suck it up and go to the shower and be embarrassed that I can’t invite her friends that will be showering me in gifts. But that doesn’t change the fact that there isn’t room for them. Unless people RSVP no. Which my mom is also planning on having her friends be a B list. And inviting them if there is room. She’s told them all as much, and according to her they are okay with this. I am mortified. Clearly my mom has no wedding etiquette. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    551 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    Personally, I wouldn’t do anything. She said they were aware when they came to the shower that they were not being invited to the wedding. If anything it reflects poorly on her, not on you guys, if anyone’s offended.

    I know it’s totally against normal etiquette but some people aren’t phased by it. I didn’t invite any cousins to my wedding. Well, knowing that she wasn’t invited, one of my cousins threw a tantrum about not being invited to my bridal shower. I at first resisted because of the “don’t invite anyone not invited to the wedding” rule, but my mom convinced me and I gave in. Yeah…she ended up canceling at the last second. Luckily the host was able to change her numbers at the last minute but I was really mad at myself for compromising in the first place. Don’t be like me!

    Post # 9
    Member
    9564 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2016

    I’d leave it be… let Future Mother-In-Law clean up her own mess. (i.e. don’t change your plans at all–don’t have that second reception you already said no to, don’t change your wedding invite list).  

    Otherwise, you’re teaching her that if she wants to get her way all she has to do is put you in compromising situations.  Nip that in the bud.

    Post # 10
    Member
    26 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: January 2017

    sunnierdaysahead2 :  I don’t think you have to invite them to the wedding, since your Mother-In-Law already told them what was happening and they still came to the shower. Even if there were some hurt feelings, it’s your MIL’s fault so she should be the one to smooth some things over. If I were you I’d ask for their contact details, send them each a handwritten thank you note for the gifts and their well wishes, and be done with it. 

    I think it would be a nice gesture to let your Mother-In-Law throw you a reception, but if she has trouble observing boundaires then you’re definitely setting a precident since this is your wedding. It’s possible that these women really wouldn’t be mad about not getting an invite too – it sounds like they watched your SO grow up and they’re probably happy for him and just wanted to celebrate. Unless your SO is super close with these women (if he was i guess they’d probably be invited anyway) I doubt all of them want to drive 8 hours out of state or pay for plane tickets, anyway so I wouldn’t feel too guilty. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    828 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    I suppose the qustion winds up being, do you think your Future Mother-In-Law is coniving enough to have all these women at the shower, and then pressure you into sending them wedding invitations by backing you into a corner? If that’s a strong probability, yes, don’t go ahead with this party. If the situation is that you’re worried it’ll be uncomfortable in those few hours that you’re benefitting from her friend’s generosity, then let it go and enjoy the party. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    2657 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2016

    Honestly, I wouldn’t invite them to the wedding nor would I let Future Mother-In-Law throw a second reception. I think doing either of these things would be letting Future Mother-In-Law “win” – by refusing to bow to her demands, you’re showing her that she doesn’t call the shots in your relationship. You made it very clear from the beginning that these women would not be invited to the wedding and FMIL invited them to the shower anyway – this is her faux pas, not yours. Let her clean up her own mess, but you guys have done nothing wrong.

    Post # 13
    Member
    265 posts
    Helper bee

    There should be a poll option for “Do Nothing”, because that’s what I would do. I would not have the extra reception, nor would I extend the invite to the wedding. 

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