Post # 1
My step-mother would really like to throw me a little shower before the wedding (I didn’t expect one nor are we having any others or bachelorette parties).
The trouble is that I do not know who I’d invite. We are having a destination wedding at a winery in California and the space at the winery is extremely limited. So much so that I really can only invite close family members (had to leave out a lot) and just a couple friends (that are actually in the wedding or doing my hair/makeup).
The family members are out of town so they would not be able to make it to a shower. So, is it horrible to invite my other friends who I could not invite to the wedding (because of space – not because I do not value them as friends)? Or should I tell my Meena to scrap the whole thing?
Help! I’d like to be able to celebrate with these people but I feel bad. And the wedding shower experience would be neat. 🙂
Post # 3
Honestly, it is poor etiquette not to invite shower guests to a wedding. It sends a message that you want their presents, not their presence.
So tell Meena to host a DINNER, not a shower, and specifically write on the invites NO GIFTS. Otherwise they will all expect wedding invitations!
Post # 4
I don’t know… my mom hosted a shower for me, and there were only two people there (besides her and my sister) who will be at the wedding. Everyone else will be attending a hometown reception/bbq later this summer, but not be at the actual ceremony or reception. No one seemed upset at all. Of course, etiquette states you shouldn’t invite someone to the shower and not the wedding because someone could be offended.
If you are having a very small destination wedding, are you thinking of having a hometown reception or housewarming or any other marriage celebration in the near future that you could invite these friends to? If so, I think it’s ok to invite them to the shower. If they are close friends, but your reception just couldn’t hold enough people, I think they’ll understand and be happy to go to the shower and the after-wedding celebration. Otherwise, I would have to agree with MightySapphire and say no to the shower. Meena could always just invite them to a dinner or brunch in your honor instead.
Post # 5
i have been wondering something similar….
i didnt have a shower since my family, friends, and bridesmaids are spread out all over the country and a lot of our local friends are newer and not that close to us…it just seemed like a headache at the time! (but sometimes i wish i’d had one anyway)…most of the local friends were invited but cant come, others just know about it and werent surprised not to get an invite (we’re having a small-ish wedding) and wished us well.
we’re kinda interested in having a small post-wedding reception to celebrate with our local friends – some were invited and some werent. we certainly dont expect gifts – just a small dinner party to toast with our new friends…i dont want to invite anyone who wasnt invited to the wedding or couldnt make it, tho…
Post # 6
correction: i dont want to OFFEND anyone who wasnt invited to the wedding or couldnt make it…
Post # 7
I don’t think you can have a traditional shower, sorry. Afterall, you did make a choice to have a small destination wedding (I’m doing the same, so I understand). This is just one of those small problems that goes along with that choice. The bigger the wedding, the bigger the overall party, and vice versa.
Now, I think Ms. Spring and MightySapphire’s thoughts are spot on. If you have an at home event, you can welcome more people into the overall party that is your wedding. Otherwise… I know I would be a little offended by a shower invitation with nothing else. Showers are literally about showering the bride, not celebrating the marriage.
Post # 8
I am no Emily Post – in fact I tend to be a bit more of a real breaker – but this is a no no unless there are extreme circumstances. Its rude.
Post # 9
I have to disagree with pretty much everyone else.
In my circle it is common to have the entire church invited to a shower no matter who is invited to the wedding. In our case, my Fiance and I are inviting the girls from our Bible study to the shower and they’re well aware they’re not invited to the wedding. We met them in February after the guest list was already set, but they’re going to be friends for years to come and have told us outright that they want to be there to support us — whether or not we can fit them in at the wedding!
I know it’s an ettiquette no-no, but I really think it depends on the tradition within your cicrcle of friends.
Recently I’ve attended two showers for friends of mine — and wasn’t invited to either wedding. In one case, it was a destinantion wedding and I was invited to the reception held in town a month after the ceremony. In the other, it was one of the girls from church I met in February. I was happy to attend her shower and didn’t feel like she was grubbing for gifts.
Post # 10
I have the same issue. We are having a small wedding (due to a small venue). Due to my job, I know a lot of people in this community – and there is simply no way I can invite them to the wedding. Regardless, a few ladies I know through work want to throw me a shower. I explained that I can’t have them and their partners to the wedding and we came up with an invitation text that (I think) is tactful:
MissMcK and her fiance will be holding a private sunset ceremony & reception on September 18, 2009.
Please join us June XX to celebrate their marriage. The couple does not intend to register and gifts are certainly not required. If you feel inclined to "shower” the newlyweds please do so with gift cards or money that the couple can use at will.
Hope this helps!
Post # 11
A couple of weeks ago my mother and I were invited to a shower for a bride who had already made it clear that she had NO intention of inviting us to the wedding. (Not to mention – she had treated our family and our circle of friends (throwing the shower) like dirt.) Ummm – can I say GREEDY GIFT GRABBER? We were highly offended as well as many of the other people invited to the shower and not the wedding. In fact, people are still talking about it, and the shower has already occurred. She is sure to go down in history in our little circle of friends as the girl who should have received an Emily Post’s Etiquette book before that Kitchen Aid Mixer!
MY ADVICE: Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT invite people to a shower when you will not be inviting them to the wedding. It is rude and tacky. Not a great way to start off you and fiance’s reputation!
Post # 12
No because it would look like all you wanted from them was a present and not there company at your wedding.
Post # 13
Yes, sorry, I agree with most of the other posters, I think this is rude.