Shower thank you card – attended but no gift?

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

No one is ever under any obligation to give you a gift. Not at your wedding, not at your shower, not at your kid’s birthday. You invite them because you want to celebrate with them, not because you are expecting a gift.

Do not send a thank you card, because it comes off as passive aggressive.

Theoretically you should have thanked each guest verbally for their attendance – the thank you cards are for the “extra”: the gifts, the effort of hosting, preparing food, etc

Post # 3
Member
2618 posts
Sugar bee

I could understand if he didn’t want to get you a gift after being forgotten, but I’m also wondering whether it could be simpler than that. Since men don’t usually go to showers, might he have simply not known it was a gift giving occasion? Or felt that he was not obligated to get a gift since he’s already involved in planning and paying for a bachelor party and buying whatever clothes/accessories are necessary for the wedding, on top of possibly also buying a wedding gift? 

Post # 4
Member
12835 posts
Honey Beekeeper

The whole purpose of showers is gifts and it’s among the few occasions where a gift is considered obligatory on the guest side. That said, thank you notes are for gifts, not attendance. Particularly in this situation, a note may come across as a passive aggressive reminder. Of course on your end there is no entitlement.

There’s always the chance that along with the late invitation you will receive a late gift.

Post # 5
Member
214 posts
Helper bee

Idk if the fact he ‘enjoyed the food’ at a party you invited him to but didn’t give you a gift is relevant? Maybe he is going to give you a gift for your wedding instead, maybe he didn’t realise people in the wedding party need to get a gift (as sometimes they don’t), maybe he didn’t have time to get you one with less than a week’s notice, or perhaps like the PP said, he didn’t realise he needed to get a gift for a shower. Either way, just because he ate your food doesn’t mean he had to give you a gift!

Post # 6
Member
2731 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I wouldn’t even waste time thinking about WHY he didn’t bring you a gift, and I don’t think you need to send a thank you for attending either.

Post # 7
Member
7413 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Thank you cards are for gifts. No gift, no card, no need to psychoanalyze him. 

Post # 9
Member
508 posts
Busy bee

You don’t need to send a card if he didn’t give a gift, but it sounds like what you’re really asking is should you be mad at him and call him out for it? I would let it go. Did you end up sending him an invitation or just let him know directly about the party? Without a paper invite it may have made the party seem more casual to him and didn’t understand to bring a gift. Or, its possible as a guy he’s kind of clueless about showers. Personally I’m not familiar with jack and jill showers so I would be confused about weather its a gift-giving event. 

Post # 10
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee

You could send him one that says “Thanks for coming…” lol

Post # 11
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

View original reply
weddingmaven :  I dont really agree with that when it comes to jack and jill bridal showers. Now I do agree with this statement when it comes to traditional BRIDAL showers. I also think all women understand the expectation in this scenario, but when men are invited the lines blur. Men do not understant the bridal shower etiquette.

I also do not think someone who is shelling out their time and money to be IN your wedding needs to buy you a freakin toaster on top of it.

Plus, I dont really like co-ed wedding showers because they seem really gift grabby to me TBH.

Post # 12
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

View original reply
holisticbabe :  just for my own curiosity, could you please explain why a co-ed shower is considered gift grabby, but a women only one isn’t?

Granted, we don’t really do showers in Australia, but I would personally definitely feel more uncomfortable having an event where just I as the bride should expect gifts, as though the groom doesn’t matter or that our male friends shouldn’t be allowed to celebrate certain events.

Post # 13
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

View original reply
MrsSapphireTopaz :  Traditionally, the whole thing is pretty gift grabby TBH. Typically, couples will pick their items on the registry TOGETHER. The gifts arent just for the bride to enjoy, but you do double the guest list when making it jack and jill. The OP clearly assumed that every person should have brought a gift…meaning she expected double the gifts.

 

Just my opinion, no hate.

Post # 14
Member
4707 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
msmeow85 :  Obviously, I don’t know this guy. But I’m under the assumption that he just did not know he was supposed to bring a gift. In real life, many guys are clueless about what to do at the pre-wedding parties (except bachelor’s party probably), jack &jill, showers, or what they are for.

Post # 15
Member
2721 posts
Sugar bee

There are a number of possibilities as to why he didn’t get a gift:

A) He’s a guy and doesn’t know how showers work 
B) Could have thought the gift giving portion was for females, because normally it is 
C) Didn’t understand whether it was a Jack & Jill or shower because men usually aren’t invited to showers
D) Didn’t have enough time to get a gift. 
E) Is already contributing through the Jack & Jill portion, by being a groomsman, and by likely getting you a wedding gift

Since he’s likely given you the benefit of the doubt for leaving him off the list, you should do the same and let the gift thing slide. Also if it was partially a jack and jill weren’t you making money off of all your guests already anyway? 

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