Post # 1
So, my fiance and I went a little apesh*t when we first started wedding planning, and immediately asked 11 people (5 Groomsmen, 6 Bridesmaid or Best Man, 2 Flower Girl, and 1 RB) to be in our wedding party. Now, almost a year later, reality has sunk in, and I just don’t want a wedding party that big. Our wedding is probably only going to have 60 people max, and it’s a laid-back outdoor affair. Plus, there has been some unexpected Bridesmaid or Best Man drama including my older sister who is a maid of honor who said she will stand there, wear the dress, and do whatever, and then criticizes every decision I make, to the point that it’s starting to put a freeze on our relationship. I’m just . . . tired of navigating everyone else’s crap while trying to plan this and worrying that people aren’t being forthcoming with their lack of desire to even spend the money to be in the wedding party. I do also know that at least two of our friends just flat out can’t afford it anymore, but they haven’s said anything, but we haven’t brought it up with them either.
That being said, these people are all important parts of my life, and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feeings, but I can’t stop the nagging idea that it would be better for all involved if we just cut the bridal party altogether, or at least dwindled it down to just siblings (that would leave 2 Groomsmen and 2 Bridesmaid or Best Man and our dog would probably end up as Ring Bearer. Cuz he’s our adorable furbaby).
I don’t know exactly what advice I’m looking for right now, I think I just needed to vent and to hear form some people who had been in similar situations or have seen this scenario play out, and what results those solutions had.
**side note, my fiance just said he wanted to put in that he’s torn between having awkward conversations with everyone, and just wanting to let it go – he’s definitely not confrontational whatsoever. I’m hoping that there is a resolution that involves no confrontations at all. . . . **
Post # 3
For the people that can’t afford it, I would just talk to them and see if they want to back out. As for the others, well…you kind of already asked them. Getting rid of everyone but siblings unfortunately won’t even help with your sister drama. Personally, I would just suck it up and deal, but I’m a lot like your Fiance, I really don’t like confrontation.
Post # 4
I think it depends on the people and your specific situation, i.e. did they already purchase outfits to wear? Could you mention to your friends that you know that circumstances have changed a bit in the past year and you don’t want to put them out financially by having them be a part of your party? Could you say something like, “I know this is a lot to deal with with everything else I’m sure you have going on, is this something you’d still like to do?”
Post # 5
I know it’s hard when you realize after the fact that something you thought you wanted (giant wedding party) is no longer ideal for the wedding you are planning. I feel for you.
That said, it’s really, really poor form to un-ask people. That’s why people are usually advised to wait until closer to the day to select their wedding party.
Unless they say something to you personally, I would not say anything to the people who are short on funds. There’s no tactful way to bring it up without embarrassing them, and they may have a plan for covering the expenses.
If you really must downsize, it has to be an all or nothing deal or else you risk offending your friends/family, and weddings are stressful enough without adding strained relationships into the deal.
Also, stop talking about your wedding plans with your Maid/Matron of Honor and that will remove her opportunities to criticize.
Post # 6
@CapeBoundBride: As of yet, no one has bought anything, or booked anything, so we’re still in the clear there, If people had already done that, I would just suck it up and deal.
But I just don’t understand why I can’t change my mind. Why I can’t say, “you know what, I love you, but a party this huge doesn’t suit our wedding, and I’m a jerk and I apologize, but it just isn’t for me” While it is traditionally a big heavy role to be in someone’s wedding party, apart from 2 Bridesmaid or Best Man and 2 Groomsmen, no one has asked any questions about it, so I know it’s not high on their priority lists right now, nor should it be. They have their lives and much bigger things to worry about. Which brings up another concern that I’m inconveniencing people who are just too damn polite to say no.
Yikes. This totally makes me a bad person!
Post # 7
@WinnieB: “Which brings up another concern that I’m inconveniencing people who are just too damn polite to say no”
That’s what I was thinking. I’d worry that my friends and family were overwhelmed, but would say “yes” and suck it up because they wanted to support me and my Fiance. Sorry I have no other suggestions. Good luck with whatever you choose.
Post # 8
A friend asked me to be in her wedding party, and then 6 months later “forgot” that she asked me, and basically kicked me out of the wedding. She claimed that she could only have three people in her party, but failed to give me a reason why. It was really hurtful and we are no longer friends. (Mostly because she couldn’t simply apologize to me, and she got very defensive and mean).
I also kind of feel like I jumped the gun by asking some of my bridesmaids, but I don’t think there is anything I can really do at this point without hurting feelings or losing friends. Really when it comes down to it, the day is about you and your husband–your party will be there to support you, and it’s not likely that they are going to ruin your day.
Just thought I’d put in my two cents. Good luck with your decision 🙂
Post # 9
I think that it is totally within reason for you to check-in with your bridal party. Let them express their needs and decide if they still can manage it all. Continuing to ignore the tension may just build resentment — who needs that looming over them? Asking how it is going for your bridal party opens the lines of communication for them to be comfortable and relay their needs. You thereby make yourself approachable, take responsibility for the situation, and honor them as your chosen party. Who knows? They might be relieved that you reached out and actually glad to compromise with you. That being said: they need to honor you, too. This isn’t an opportunity for them to lash out; this is a chance to find a solution because you were thoughtful enough to acknowledge a problem and approach them. If they become rude or pissy, then perhaps they truly don’t deserve such an honor, in which case I think you have every right to cite differences and offer them the chance to decline your offer. This way, you remove yourself from the position of un-asking and give them the choice to either move forward or not.
Post # 10
You can change your mind, but expect people to be hurt with you changing your mind. Its not like you’re changing your mind about what food to eat this is about who you want there for you on your day and telling someone you’ve changed your mind about their roll in this is quite a slap in the face.