(Closed) Sh*t's About to Get Real….Really Need Advice (Long ish)

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I want to reiterate that you owe him nothing. You are obviously a compastionate person, concerned about his feelings, but he can work through those feelings just like you’ve worked through yours.

I think it’s hard to imagine forgiving if I were in your position, but you have to do you. I’m glad you’ve found some happiness.

Post # 18
Member
6014 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

(((HUGS))) i was going to say you shouldn’t have told the stepfather first about your plans.   Take a breath and you can revisit this when you SEE your mom and can talk to her about your ideas.  You could always walk down the aisle by yourself, a friend of mine did that, she had a similiar experience as you did growing up and figured she was a woman and old enough to give herself away.

Post # 19
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Wow…this is a terrible dilemma.  Please don’t let your step dad walk you down the aisle – he does not deserve that right, nor does your bio dad, and sadly, neither does your mom.  I agree with PP that you may want to consider, if you’re up for it, walking yourself down the aisle.  I have a cousin who did this and it was a very powerful moment and sent a message to everyone in that place.  Not a hurtful message, but there was something very powerful and healing in her silently communicating that none of the “adults” in her life had earned a place next to her at that special moment but that she was still there, joyously walking into a very bright future – herself.  Do what feels right for you and don’t worry about hurting any feelings – those who truly love you will understand.

Post # 20
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t think your stepdad deserves the right to give you away on a day like your wedding when he did those things to you and apparently still tries! Your godmother sounds like the perfect fit for that. You shouldn’t feel guilty for it just because he’s helping pay! That doesn’t change what he’s done. Good for you for forgiving, but I wouldn’t give him that honor.

Post # 21
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I agree with previous bees! You deserve to have someone you really want want walk you down the aisle on your wedding day. I definitely don’t think you made the wrong decision!  You need to feel comfortable and happy in that moment as you walk towards your Fiance, not worried if your stepdad will touch you! I can’t relate to you on many things, but I can with divorced parents. My parents divorced and I lived with my mom, and my dad moved hundreds of miles away so his consistency was kinda spotty. He came back around though. I originally wanted both of my parents to walk me down the aisle, but my mom said she would rather watch at the end of the aisle as I walked down it. I love them both though, but I am so sorry you are in this situation!

Post # 22
Member
4792 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this and that this is what you deem as normal. Walk yourself down the aisle and have you Fiance meet you half way…he is the only one in your life that truly deserves that honor. 

Your mother may be in denial…. but either way she talked to your counselor and did nothing. Her first priority should have  been YOU. She may not want to be  the woman that married a man that abused her child….but it is a hell of a lot worse being the woman that stayed with the man who abused her child…. and allowed it to keep happening! She doesn’t deserve that honor of walking you down the aisle.

I know you probably do not want to rake over the past and fragment what you deem as your normal family life. Please consider this….by staying silent as a adult you are  allowing the possibility of another young girl to go through what you have been through. Very rarely is there only one victim. Speak up…even if it costs you everything you know. don’t let that animal get away with it. Your Step dads daughter got married very young…..was she running away from the abuse??? Does she have young children??? Please god….may she have had the sense to keep kids away from him.

I just feel so sad to think that this is your reality…..you deserve so much better.

 

 

Post # 23
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Walk ALONE. Your strength in this storm of your upbringing and even today is what made you the woman you are. You are strong and should be proud. Show off that pride.

Post # 24
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

It IS your wedding. There is no way I would allow the bio ad OR stepdad escort me down the aisle from what you have told us. I like the idea of your Mom  escorting you down the aisle. There is also nothing wrong with walking down the aisle by yourself, women do not need to be “given away” now-a-days. OR you could always walk down the aisle with your FH!

Post # 25
Member
12244 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Yeah, to quote a PP “F— that dude and f— his feelings!” If your mom and her twin walking you makes you happy, then DO IT!

Post # 26
Member
1732 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

What in the what. To the idea that HIS feelings are hurt, I cannot even…

Yes. You should do what makes you happy. If that’s your mom and her sister, if that’s just your aunt, that’s fine. I would strongly consider walking alone, because of reasons that PP have said — you seem to have spent a lot of your most vulnerable years “walking alone,” and you should be proud of yourself as a survivor.

Post # 27
Member
428 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think everyone has given you pretty good advice, but I wanted to give you an internet hug and let you know that I’m so glad you finally found a wonderful guy who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated!

Post # 28
Member
2467 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

this is going to sound harsh….but there is no way in hell i would even have a relationship with your stepfather if i were you, and honestly, i wouldn’t have a relationship with your mother either for not supporting you when she found out about the abuse. no way in freaking hell.

Post # 29
Member
1163 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

If he molested you, he has NO right to be the one that’s hurt. He hurt you for many, many years but that doesn’t seem to occur to him. You even said he may try to cop a feel on YOUR wedding day!! UMM!!! That’s horrible–shame on him!

You ask your mother and your godmother, and you start your new life with your Fiance on a positive, happy note filled with love. You deserve this happiness!

Post # 30
Member
3657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@Coral99:  I am sad that you as a kid had this trio of selfish, sick adults who were supposed to be taking care of you. What a joke they made of parenting.

I am going to say something that I mean in a kind way: perhaps you might re-think the whole concept of “walking me down the aisle.”

I don’t want to tell you what to feel, but in your situation perhaps your emotional reactions still are not, despite therapy, the most healthy thing to guide your actions.

Why involve any of these adults in an important role in you wedding when they let you down and treated you with contempt?

Just consider this: stand up straight and tall and walk yourself down the aisle.

edited to add: oh, after reading further I see that you are taking their money for this wedding. Well. Such is the complicating factor of money, it taints what it touches.

Please work toward an independace that give you clarity in keeping yourself safe, and in keeping your future children safe from this man. I fear for them given your ambiguity in dealing with him and their Granny Dearest. Children molestation is often kept quiet in the family, just as happened with you. Your children will NEVER be safe with your mother or with her husband, know that.

 

Post # 31
Member
1762 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

View original reply
@FauxPas2012:  +1111111 totally agree!!

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