(Closed) Shut It Up Pact (SIUP) 2017

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 121
Member
324 posts
Helper bee

becks90 :  Agh, that’s so frustrating!! I’d be irritated too. I agree–the whole permission thing is some archaic BS. I told my SO I didn’t want him asking permission or for “my hand,” but if it was important to him, he could ask my parents for their blessing. For some reason that made me feel a little better about the whole dumb thing. 

I wish guys would understand that follow through and commitment to a plan would make us a hell of a lot happier than a surprise. 

Post # 122
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I can relate! I don’t like to phrase it “asking for permission” either. But, I have told my SO to please ask my Mom for her blessing, because it’d mean so much to her. She basically did most the raising of me, and her and I are very close. I know for a fact that she would be devastated if he didn’t ask for her blessing.

He said he isn’t sure he wants to ask her because he’s worried she’ll tell me right away and then I’ll know a proposal is coming. We’ve talked about timelines before, so I roughly know when a proposal is coming anyways! And if he’s worried about her ruining the surprise he can just ask her for her blessing 3 months before he plans to propose or something, right? Ugh. I hate giving-up control, so it’s hard to give so much control to someone else. But asking my Mom for her blessing is obviously something I can’t do myself!

Post # 123
Member
44 posts
Newbee

AHH! Ok so I have been staying OFF the boards so I don’t get even more wedding crazy. We have set a location and honeymoon as well as him pitching in for honeymoon ideas. Biggest thing for us is deciding if we tell people when we get engaged because we are planning on eloping. 

After this October we will be the last couple in his group of friends that we hang out with that aren’t engaged/married. Last September at one of our friends wedding it came up about when we would be getting engaged, which means at this friends wedding in October it could get tricky.

Only 2 of my close friends are married and all of my close friends live far from me (3 in CA and 1 in NYC) so I don’t see them all the time. My other friends aren’t in relationships so engagement isn’t brought up much between us. 

Well fastforward I was looking for a razor blade to shave my pup up for the summer and I found a ring! I was and still am in shock that he bought one! and the fact I found it. So now I have to not so patiently wait …. I am the most impatient person EVER! He doesn’t know I found it but I have been good about not mentioning engagement/wedding stuff but if organically came up yesterday so I picked on him a tad to see how he would react. It was funny and then I dropped it.

I am thinking maybe July as we are going on a weekend vacationaway from home. September is our anniversary. Just not sure when he might do it and now I’m making sure my mani is on point no matter what lol 

 

Now to wait impatiently.

Post # 125
Member
44 posts
Newbee

becks90 :  Thank you! I am freaking out didn’t even realize he got one! Should be interesting, I am so impatient so I totally get it lol

Post # 126
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

So OMG guys, I think it might be happening next week! We have been talking about weddings a lot together and Colorado is next week. UGGGGHHH, I am so freaking excited! A lot of signs are pointing to it! 

Post # 127
Member
5 posts
Newbee

June 12th is my first day, and I’m going to try this for 3 months. Long story short, I’ve been waiting for two years now and I’m getting discouraged. We made a timeline and he’s been telling me “let me surprise you” when I bring up engagement. I’m confused because one moment he’s talking about how difficult the subject of marriage is for him having divorced parents and the next he’s bringing up wedding ideas and talking about our future children. Does anyone know if this is normal? We want to get married in two years so I know I’m going to be playing the waiting game for approximately another year. Also, he just got a new job so I’m trying to respect the time he needs to save up for a ring. Wish me luck! 

Post # 128
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

becks90 :  My boyfriend has said previously that he wants to talk to my parents before proposing, which I wouldn’t have minded if he did it years ago, but at this point I just see it as another hurdle to delay him.

And honestly, my parents are already waiting for him to propose (my mom has been talking about it since 2012, and my dad mentioned it to my mom about a year ago). So the fact that they think we should be engaged already makes the conversation just seem silly to me. They’ll be gracious to him of course, if he does ask for their blessing, even though they’ll be thinking “finally” in their heads.

Post # 130
Member
324 posts
Helper bee

becks90 :  Hey, you’re not being a brat. Don’t beat yourself up like that. Honestly, you are allowed to feel hurt and a little (or more than a little) pissed off and misled. You two agreed on a timeline, and you set your expectations as such. Having to readjust your expectations (on something you were SO EXCITED ABOUT, no less) because he didn’t follow through on his end freaking sucks. And I say that as someone who has absolutely been there, with ring delays leading to missed timelines.

If you need to talk or vent, PM me, because it sounds like we’re in similar boats!

Post # 131
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

Hi ladies,

I want to say thank you to everyone on this forum for being supportive and creating this outlet for each other, but I think it will be best for my own mental wellbeing to take a step back. I think I have reached a point where it is not healthy to encourage myself to dwell on engagement any further.

I broke my SIUP this weekend following multiple phrases used by my boyfriend when talking to me and others, such as “if {my name} and I get married,” “our potential wedding,” “being together for ten years isn’t the same when we’ve been long distance for five years,” and “when you are settled and happy.” The last two in particular prompted me to speak up because I worried I was being punished for attending grad school in another state, and that our engagement might end up being used to police my behavior (i.e. we won’t get engaged if I complain about work/living stress or otherwise don’t act sufficiently happy).

I told him I was concerned that I was being placed on a “trial period,” and I was concerned that he seemed to still not be confident in getting engaged after ten years together (and it has been ten years, even if he is discounting the last five).

He denied this and said that really he needs more money and to not be stressed with his job. He says he won’t be happy getting engaged if he has to go right back to being stressed with work. I still don’t understand what he means by more money, since he has a lot in savings already. I understand that by “not stressed with his job” he means that he is looking for a promotion from his current position, but that promotion seems tentative right now, and I’m not so sure that he’ll be radically less stressed with the new position.

For me the conversation became unproductive when he added that I have made decisions that have kept us apart and we have both had to make compromises, and this is a compromise I will have to make. This honestly doesn’t sit well with me because our long distance had nothing to do with the money and work stress he now claims to be basing the proposal around. So it still sounds to me that I am in part being implicitly punished for my past career decisions.

Honestly I’m still working through how I feel about this. It bothers me that he is always saying that he wants to make me happy, but he knows this makes me unhappy. On the other hand, I don’t know if I really care about getting engaged sooner rather than later or if I just would have appreciated the gesture. Now that I know the proposal is all about him and what he wants, the gesture that I wanted isn’t there, so I don’t know if I need the proposal to be timely anymore. 

In any case, I don’t think it’s good for me to keep surrounding myself with thoughts of engagement. And I don’t like hurting my boyfriend everytime the topic comes up and I express my disappointment. I want to just get over this. But I do appreciate that this forum has been here for people in these situations. 

Post # 133
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

New here! I am adding myself to the list! I’m terrible about not bringing up the “W” word. My SO and I have been together for a bit over a year, so I feel it is really unfair for him to have to field a constant barrage of my insecurities. Here’s hoping this helps!! 

Post # 134
Member
1089 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I’m joining! Now that my SO and I have looked at ring designs I need to shut it up! I’m a bit of a control freak and if I keep poking and prodding I will ruin the surprise. So I’m zipping the lip and hopefully I won’t crack lol

Post # 135
Member
215 posts
Helper bee

Fun! 🙂 

I have been dating my Boyfriend or Best Friend for 4 years.. I am 28 and he is 29 this year. We bought a house (and lived together) for 2 years. When we first started dating he would joke about proposing with one of those fake rings from the gumball machines and just tease about that sort of thing. Then he went through a stage where me bringing anything like that up was pressuring him. So I cooled it a bit… Eventually after a talk I cooled it a lot lol He said me bringing it up made it sound like a chore and if I kept obsessing over it eventually I would ruin holidays for myself and when it did happen it would feel more like a “finallllly!!!!!” instead of a happy moment. Which is fair.

There have been a few moments of disappointments at first. Like I got it in my head that when we bought the house he was going to propose. Obviously didn’t happen and I was silly to think it might since we both had zero of the money. Then for some reason last Christmas I started obsessing that he was for sure going to propose… I bought a ring late October and I noticed it went missing from where I left it… turns out it just fell.  And I was so upset and frusterated when he didn’t. I talked to my SIL about it and she kind of talked me down and said she understood because its so easy to see “little signs” when you think its going to happen. After that I vowed to stop ruining holidays and vacations. And I was doing really good with not talking to him about it and not expecting it. Though randomly I started obsessing about what rings I liked and worrying that he won’t know my ring size when hes ready to propose…I don’t really wear rings and I tried to bring up a conversation saying I could give him details on what I like and my size but he said no thanks lol and I was kind of bummed about that… So I asked him about timeline and he said when he proposes he expects a short engagement (1 year) then have a year to enjoy being married then have kids. So I have no idea on timeline at all haha and that part kind of drives me nuts at times… But I am also enjoying the limbo. Though I can feel my mind start to be like “Maybe… maybe….” because in a few months we have a trip to Cuba planned and we are there for my birthday. But then I don’t want to ruin it by hoping.. plus his parents are going. Anyways keep strong people! 🙂 

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