(Closed) Shutout as a bridesmaid :'(

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Well, I would at least talk to her before you jump to the conclusion that she purposely snubbed you.  If you look at the position of Maid/Matron of Honor as purely honorary (not involving the need for the Maid/Matron of Honor to actually do anything) then it’s quite possible to be an Maid/Matron of Honor from another state – my Maid/Matron of Honor lives halfway across the US – or another country.  If you look at the Maid/Matron of Honor as the person who organizes and hosts showers, goes with you to meet with vendors, helps with invitations and programs and such, throws your bachelorette – I’m really not sure how you would do all that from so far away.  It may be simple practicality that led the bride to choose someone else.  Of course, she probably should have talked to you.  But getting upset without talking to her just compounds the error.   

Post # 4
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I have a "best friend" who had always pledged that I would be her Maid/Matron of Honor.  Life changes and we’ve changed and grown.  We are still friends, but I don’t think you could say we are "best" anymore.

I, too, was only invited as a guest.  But the thing was, it made sense.  She had moved to the East Coast.  She needed to include her husband’s sisters in the wedding party.  I am nowhere near her these days and my work as a physician means my time is limited.

I happily supported her in whatever ways I could and enjoyed the wedding without any responsibility.  

Any ruckus I might have raised would have torn us apart more, rather than affirm our relationship.

Post # 5
Member
508 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Definitely talk with your friend!  Picking the wedding party can be a loaded issue – perhaps she was constrained and made other choices with no intention of snubbing you at all.  It could also be that she assumed it would be difficult for you to fulfill the bridesmaid duties from afar – kind of hard to pick out a dress or have a fitting from such a distance.  Maybe she felt you were already doing so much just by planning on flying out.  It’s hard to tell unless you ask.  Definitely don’t raise a stink, but try and gently sort out why she picked the wedding party.  From there, you can decide if you want to make the trip or not.

 

Post # 6
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2007

Life changes and people have other friends.  Just because she’s developed other close friendships doesn’t mean she values you less.  I’m thinking that your friend probably wanted a wedding party who is nearby and can help with all the activities, including organizing a shower and bachelorette party.  You mentioned that flying to her wedding is an expensive trip….that sounds like if you were her MoH or Bridesmaid or Best Man, you’ll be missing her shower and bachelorette party?

I know you can’t help feeling hurt.  But you are also off the hook from planning all those activities.  I think talking to the bride would only stress her out more ("great, one more person gunning to be a BM").  I guess I’ve seen this scenario play out way too many times and it’s never been a pleasant experience for any bride. 

Post # 7
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee

She might’ve just figured that you might not be able to come at all, since you live in another country, and not wanted to pressure you with the whole bridesmaid thing.  I’d just go and enjoy being a guest.

Post # 8
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Talk to her!  She may also have thought that it’s an expensive flight to be able to attend her wedding.  Plus, the Maid/Matron of Honor has a lot of duties and other additional expenses for the wedding and before it that could be difficult to fulfill since you’re in another country.  She may have thought that it would be harder to tell you all that than to actually talk to you about it, so she went another direction to try to avoid the subject.   

Post # 9
Member
1061 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Honestly, from a bride’s point of view, I have a friend who I always thought would be my Maid/Matron of Honor. I asked her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor without thinking of all of the duties and responsibilities that she would have, and as it turns out, I really shouldn’t have asked her to begin with. Being someone’s Maid/Matron of Honor isn’t just holding her bouquet; it’s a complete investment in the entire wedding planning process. It’s hard to do that from another country!

If you do decide to talk to her, I’d phrase it like this: "I’m bummed that I’m not a bridesmaid, but is there anything else I can help you with?" That way it doesn’t make her feel guilty for not choosing you, but it also lets you express that you’re upset and let her know that you’re still there for her. It’s the most mature way to preserve the friendship.

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