(Closed) Sibling-in-laws don't like me?

posted 7 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee

I hate to say it but I think this is extremely common.  I get along with two of my sister in laws well.  The third one I could see once a year and not really care.  The last straw for me was when we spent thousands to travel and be in their wedding and they could not even acknowledge our baby when he was born.  The only reason they met him was because they were going to be in the area for a friend’s baby shower. 

We can pick our spouses but not our in laws. I told my husband if he wants to go and see his sibling and wife more than for Christmas go for it but the kids and I will not be participating.

Post # 3
Member
6929 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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@futuredoctorbee:  Maybe I’m missing it in your post but I’m not actually seeing what this has to do with you…?

It sounds like your husband has 2 siblings and he’s just not that close with either of them but they are super close with one another. Not that they don’t like YOU. 

Post # 4
Member
3512 posts
Sugar bee

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@futuredoctorbee:  “My husband still wants me to keep trying and “squeeze in there!” and “family is different! never give up with family!”

Tell your husband to kindly stop trying to manage your relationships with your SILs. You are cordial to them and that is the extent of any reasonable expectation. The sense of kinship can not be forced; it either happens naturally or it doesn’t. And if it doesn’t, it’s not the end of the world.

Post # 5
Member
7801 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I agree with llevinso. This isn’t your fight. Continue to get together with them when the opportunity presents itself, but clearly these two siblings are closer to one antoher than they are with your Dh. If he wants that changed, it is up to HIM and not you. You have done youre part, and it sounds like you will continue to be there for them when possible, but I agree that it is no longer your responsibility to go out of your way to see them and include them. Go when the occasion arrives, but otherwise leave it to your Dh to change any relationship the two of you might have with them.

Post # 6
Member
4967 posts
Honey bee

I guess I’m not seeing what A or B did wrong here.  I have a bunch of family about a 2-3 hour drive away and a smaller group of family about about 2 hours past that.  The first group lives about 25 minutes from a city that is considered a tourist destination (not overtly busy or touristy like Vegas or the like – more small city touristy on a big lake and I live near far more “destinations” than they do so they also come down here).  When I go up there, I don’t always tell all of my family or make plans with all of them – maybe one or two family members depending on my plans, unless it’s one of the one or two occasions per year where lots of family from here has a tendency to go up there and get together (not a formal reunion, but a festival that tends to attract us all up there at the same time). 

And then there are times I go up there and don’t tell a soul and do what I like to do.  It’s not a reflection on them or whether or not I like them.  It’s about me and how I prefer to spend my time and not feeling obligated to spend my time with 10 different family members.  Sometimes my trips are about the family, sometimes they are more about me.  Sometimes I tell people ahead of time.  Sometimes I don’t tell anyone until I’ve had a couple of days of “me-time” up there first.

Likewise, I often don’t find out my family from has come into town until after they’ve gone back.  It just depends on what their plans were and the purpose of their visit.  Sometimes we get together for dinner or shopping.  Sometimes I don’t see them at all.

I just don’t think they have an obligation to always keep you (or the rest of the family) apprised of their comings and goings and involve everyone in general or you in particular.

It sounds like they are friendly and cordial but you aren’t BFFs and that’s ok.  But none of their behavior seems like it’s about you – but you and your husband seem to be making it that way and your husband and the rest of his family in particular seem to have this very narrow view of how a family should act and the extent in which you all should be involved in each others’ lives.  I don’t know that you can necessarily change that, but perhaps if you start taking it less personally and stop assuming that how they spend their time is a reflection on you rather than just what they like to do, he’ll at least follow suit when it comes to his expectations of you “fitting in”.

Post # 7
Member
815 posts
Busy bee

Yeah I don’t see the issue. This isn’t about you. And B didn’t do anything wrong. It sounds like B is just really close with A and doesn’t always want to deal with the fanfare of a “family reunion” every time they’re back in town. I wouldn’t either. Stop projecting your expectations on other people and making everything about you. Not just you, but your husband and his family who are getting offended just because B has been in town for a few days and is only mentioning it now. So what?? Jeez, let them live their life in peace. They don’t have to inform you of their every action and if they just feel like hanging with their favourite sibling then so they should! It’s not a dig at anyone else. Stop interpreting it as one. 

Post # 8
Member
10220 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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@futuredoctorbee:  

l think your last paragraph shows sensible intention. It’s not really a problem after all, just not what you had hoped for . And common, very common. 

l would be seriously pissed off , however, if anyone invited to dinner showed up 2 hours !! late , Apart from making that clear, yeah, not a lot you can do about it, nor need you. 

Post # 9
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

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@ArcadiaRose:  Maybe the OP shouldn’t be as upset about it but I can certainly see the husband being upset. You wouldn’t found it odd if your own sibling who lived a plane ride away didn’t mention they were in town at all to visit another sibling. How is that not hurtful and not rude. This is a member of the immediate family. 

Post # 10
Member
7810 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

So your husband isn’t very close to his siblings, who are close to each other, and despite you knowing them for only a small percentage of their relationship together he expects you to somehow instantly be the glue that binds you all closer together? Nah. 

It sounds as if they are just as close to him now as they were before you got married. His marrying you isn’t some magic ticket. Perhaps if he wants to be closer to his siblings he should make an effort for that to happen. Otherwise enjoy the time you are together (as long as they are on time for dinner*) and go about your lives.

*The second time anyone showed up two hours late for dinner at my home the house would be dark and nobody would answer the doorbell or the phone. : )

Post # 11
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m sure there’s more to your story, but I feel like I am B in this scenario.  I live a flight away from my sister (who I am close with), she lives in general but far-ish driving distance from my brother and SIL (who I love and care about, but we’ve never been particularly close).  Usually when I travel to that area it is specifically to spend time with my sister, or I have other close friends that live nearby and some favorite places I like to go visit, etc.  It honestly just gets too much to then every time have to ‘check the box’ with my brother and SIL as well.  I enjoy seeing them on holidays and special occasions, and I’d like to think that if I lived closer we would spend more time with them, but, my travel time is so limited and it’s hard to prioritize.

Agreed with 

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@elderberry on both points, purposefully blowing you off or showing up late sucks, but otherwise, this doesn’t sound to me like a situation that should require fixing or hurt feelings, just is what it is.  I think loving them without liking them is perfectly reasonable!

Post # 12
Member
815 posts
Busy bee

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@soexcited123:  It really depends how close you are with that sibling. My sister and I are relatively close. We talk daily and I will sometimes travel to see her or travel to her area and not see her because I’m too busy. Neither of us are close to our brother, so we don’t spend time with him unless it’s some huge family function. If he lived a plane ride away and was in town we would have no idea and vice versa because we don’t communicate regularly or have any desire to “hang out”. I just think the OP’s husband isn’t that close to this sibling and that’s okay. Maybe A and B are sisters? It would make sense that they’re a lot closer to each other. 

Post # 13
Member
908 posts
Busy bee

Yea bee. Maybe you’re looking into it too hard. Im not seeing the issue you are trying to explain. Seems like your husband isnt VERY close but mutual understanding for their family. Nothing to look into nothing to feel strange or left out about. Do you have siblings or close cousins? 

Post # 14
Member
3336 posts
Sugar bee

This to me is much more about your husband’s relationship with his siblings and not about yoyr relationship with the in-laws.

We are in a similar situation. My husband has a brother and sister. The brother and sister are very close. My husband just isn’t as close with them. They are all fine, but hubby just doesn’t have as much in common with them. The side effect of that is that the sister and sister-in-law are closer to each other then they are to me. When we are all together we get along great and have fun, but there isn’t really any contact between myself and them in between.   

As long as we have a good time together I’m ok. Sure I’d have loved to have 2 “sisters” but it just didn’t shake out that way, and it’s fine.

Post # 15
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2021

Agree with PPs, your husband is the one that isn’t close with his siblings to begin with, and they didn’t invite him to the gathering, it’s definitely not about you. If they did tell him about being in town before you found out, and he didn’t tell you for some reason, well that’s another story. Definitely don’t go sucking up to his siblings in order to be included like your husband suggested, it won’t work and will probably come off as desperate. Sounds like he’s been doing that for years to get “in” with his sibling clique. 

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