sibling wants to cut off all ties with our "toxic" parents

posted 1 year ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
579 posts
Busy bee

Just curious, who is older? You or your sister? We experienced some…things.. as kids but as the oldest I understood what was happening more than my younger siblings. I have more resentment for my parents than my sister 8 years younger than me does because as a smaller kid she didn’t understand the fighting/situations/conversations the same way I did as the older sibling. 

Post # 17
Member
2812 posts
Sugar bee

It sounds like your sister is the problem. Some people are just not affectionate. Your parents provided so much sounds like and went above and beyond to ensure kids have everything. Is she spoiled, entitled,? Why is she asking them for money as a adult? She had a falling out over something they didn’t pay for her….and she is a grown ass woman? 

Post # 18
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee

My four siblings and I grew up with the same parents and almost identical upbringing, aside from the fact that my father was extremely emotionally abusive to me from the age of 14-18. Only my younger sister was ever aware of the way he behaved towards me, but our older siblings remained oblivious because they were often out and about, left home before us, and he’d refrain from screaming at me and belittling me when they were around.

This led my older siblings to believe that I was an irrationally moody and sullen teenager with “behavioural problems” of my own making. They blamed me for my eating disorder, saying I wanted attention, while my dad regularly told me that I was disgusting, fat and lazy, even though I was underweight. They told me I was a bad daughter and should be more respectful of him, while he would tell me that nobody could ever love someone as pathetic as me. They thought my self-harm was another attention seeking method, while my father put immense academic pressure on me and repeatedly tried to convince me that I would fail at life and end up on the dole, despite the fact that I achieved good grades and was a model student. 

My older siblings never knew about any of this until years after the fact, because my dad hid it well and I was too ashamed to tell them. Strangely, I also wanted to protect them from the fact that he could be a bad father, because they loved him and though the world of him. I didn’t want to taint their view of him. Even to me he would behave like a great father infront of others, and I never wanted for anything except his kindness, affection and approval. He gave me money for whatever I needed. I was always fed and clothed. He paid for school trips for me and supported me financially while I was at university. But even so, I wanted to die everyday because of the way he treated me while I lived at home. He had destroyed my self-esteem, self-worth, trust and perception of healthy love.

For several years afterward I distanced myself from my father, which my older siblings criticised and didn’t understand. Luckily, the unwavering support of my younger sister reassured me that I was not crazy or overreacting, and I don’t think I could have got through it all without her. I managed to undo years worth of emotional damage with a lot of councelling and soul-searching. So while my siblings frowned upon my decision and thought I was being petty, I know that I would be dead by my own hand right now if I had forced myself to maintain a relationship with my father at that time.

I guess my point is just because you aren’t aware of any significant mistreatment, doesn’t mean there wasn’t any. And while you should not get involved in the quarrel between your parents and sibling, you should still maintain your relationships with both unless there is some real reason you can’t. Because otherwise she may feel completely alone.

By no means am I suggesting that what happened to me is exactly what has happened to your sister, but there may be more to the situation than you know. Or she could be overreacting. But you don’t know, so proceed with empathy.

Post # 19
Member
2835 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

solnishko1186 :  exactly! She sounds like a spoiled brat who is angry because her parents won’t give her the money she demanded….

Post # 22
Member
2835 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

clairhuxtable :  Wow your sister sounds *ungrateful*, and *entitled* to actually expect your parents to continue to $$ support her! 

Beware, you too may be labeled “toxic” and “cut off” by your sister if you disagree in the future….

Post # 23
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

I guess it’s true that other people do have it worse but many of those same people don’t step up and remove themselves from the situation, or feel like they can’t. Your sister has decided that enough is enough and that to have a happy life she needs to distance herself from a situation she considers toxic. 

And there’s nothing wrong with that. 

More people should stand up for themselves and stop allowing unnecessary drama into their lives. If this is what your sister truly needs to live her happiest life, then that’s her prerogative and I think you should support her. 

However, if she really is being an ungrateful brat, she will more than likely come crawling back eventually.

Post # 24
Member
2812 posts
Sugar bee

clairhuxtable :  Being supported fully by parents at 22, living at home and than throwing a fit when parents didn’t pay for something. And the parents are the “toxic” ones. Eye roll. You sister honestly sounds like a brat. 

Post # 26
Member
11642 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Sansa85 :  so well said, bee. A “lesson in listening”

OP, no one really knows what another person has gone through, even when they live under the same roof. I would try to avoid judgment and stay out of it, but as Sansa said, listen. 

Its easy for everyone here to judge her. They don’t even know if she has a reason for this that you are unaware of. 

Post # 27
Member
694 posts
Busy bee

1000% agree with onlythemarginleft : This is exactly my life growing up and someone who hasn’t been a victim of this kind of situation wouldn’t understand. It’s so easy to just say she’s entitled and a child. We all have different experiences or different reactions and feelings about the same experience. 

I wish the world had more perspective/empathy, so sad.

Post # 28
Member
3417 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

When you say your parents never said I love you, do you really mean *never*?? Because even if it didn’t negatively affect you (or you think it didn’t) it is not unreasonable that your sister would feel negatively impacted by such a cold and unaffectionate environment. To me, that level of emotional detachment is neglect. 

Post # 29
Member
9588 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

Agree with those who say don’t judge. Maybe she is being a brat and ran off due to entitlement.. or maybe they told her that they would pay her last year of tuition only if she did something she very much did not want to do and was indeed bad enough to be considered “toxic”. Or maybe something else altogether.

You have no clue what happened so it’s best to not mix in.  Hopefully it’ll resolve itself with time, and I do hope she gets the help she needs for her depression. 

Post # 30
Member
694 posts
Busy bee

Also wanted to add: it’s everyones prerogative to handle situations how they feel comfortable. Even though I was the punching bag in my family I still choose to come around, and my sister (who escaped all the aggression) has chosen to keep her distance. That is her choice and I never try to push her to make nice and come around. She is entitled to that feeling and choice! I definitely think it’s smart to, like you said, stay out of it and just keep relationships separate for the time being.

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