sibling wants to cut off all ties with our "toxic" parents

posted 1 year ago in Family
Post # 46
1169 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

mrstodd2bee :  Um, if the parents promised to help her out with purchasing a new car and also paying off her loans, then what is wrong with being upset that they reneged on that promise?

It doesn’t seem like the sister asked the parents to do this, the parents promised these things on their own. And it also doesn’t seem like the sister is forcing the parents to pay for her room and board–OP readily admitted that the parents CHOSE to do this for ALL of their children. So the situation that this sibling is in is not unusual for the family. Just because you wouldn’t do it, does not mean that this person is a brat for living at home until she is established.

In fact, by cutting her parents off and moving out of state, this person is rejecting the parent’s money and going to be taking full responsibility for her own life, away from her parents. If you are into people being independent, shouldn’t you be applauding that instead of trying to smear OP’s sibling in a rude way?

I highly doubt that this sibling is using this as a threat to squeeze money out of the parents. OP has not implied this and nothing she has said has implied this. It seems like things just got to the point where the behavior of the parents got to be enough (which sounds like it is completely independent from the money issue), and the sibling decided that it is better for her health to move on.

clairhuxtable :  You seem like a really respectful sibling, and I applaud you for wanting to make things better. However, I think that the best thing that you can do is to support both your sister and your parents in this situation and stay out of it unless one of them asks for advice, in which case I would personally offer any neutral advice that could help them see the perspective of the other side.

As someone who suffers from depression, the way I explain it to some people is that it can very well be like a mental disability. It’s not a choice, and just because it’s invisible doesn’t mean it’s not there. And yes, I know that everyone can have depressed moods for periods of time, but chronic depression is a very different beast. It’s a serious and misunderstood mental health issue.

Honestly, what your sister probably needs the most is emotional support from you, no matter what she does. For you to tell her that you love her, and for you to be there for her. In my experience with depression, emotional support is paramount.Depression is worse than feeling sad, it’s a disorder that affects the way you think and the way you view everything. For example, I don’t just “know” that people love me–I commonly have thoughts circling in my head that tell me that the world hates me and that I’m not good enough. These are strong feelings that I have to fight every day, and I do. But if people didn’t provide any emotional support, I think that I would be in a really bad place. 

In general, my depression is controlled. But getting to that point involved therapy, medication, and yes…continuous emotional support from my family and friends. That emotional support is the small light that kept me hanging on through my darkest moments, and it is the thing that I am the most grateful for in the whole wide world. There are many days when I have no idea why my family and friends stuck around (because even though my depression is controlled and better than it used to be, I still find it hard to see the good in myself some days), but the fact that they gave me that support and have stuck around and believe in me has meant the world to me.

I highly encourage you to read more about depression and what it feels like, to understand where your sibling is coming from. It seems like you want to understand, and the fact that you have a different worldview (one that is not marred by depression) is keeping you from understanding where she is coming from.

**I also want to say, that people don’t have to differ drastically in their mental health to have different experiences or different interpretations of experiences growing up–I’m just focusing on depression here because you mentioned it and I have experience with it.

Leave a comment

Find Amazing Vendors