Post # 1
Hello, My partner and I will be attending sister’s wedding in a few weeks. She dated/got engaged within a year and we have only met the fiance twice. We’ve lived together for 8 years now but aren’t married. I’m 26 years old and self-employed and my partner is currently unemployed. We just moved into our first house 2 weeks ago with lots of moving expenses. We both aren’t close to his sister at all. She is spoiled, never had a job, doesn’t understand the value of money and makes no effort to have a relationship with us. (She hasn’t texted her brother in several months; not even to ask about the move.) She also isn’t paying for the expensive wedding at all (not one cent). Her widowed mother is paying for everything.
My partner’s mother just texted him saying his sister wants us to get her a specific set of pots and pans (around 215$ value) for her wedding. I come from a small town, with middle-lower income families. Gifts were never expected and if there was any gifts, it was small and sentimental. We already have to travel a couple hours for the wedding and I have to buy a specific conservative dress (religious ceremony).
We are attending the wedding by obligation and this whole gift situation doesn’t seem right to me. I can’t believe she would feel entitled to ask for a specific gift. I was planning on just giving a card and that’s it (not sure what my partner had in mind). We both can’t stand her entitled attitude to be honest… I’d love to hear some thoughts or opinions?
Post # 2
Regardless of your feelings towards her, you can’t attend her wedding empty handed. It’s terrible etiquette.
If you both dislike her so much, don’t go. But you can’t just not give her something because you think she’s “spoiled”, or because it’s “not how your family does things”. You’re not going to a wedding in your family, your going to one in hers. A $200 present for a sibling seems reasonable enough.
Post # 3
Umm. Honestly, you sound a bit petty. Why are you even going to the wedding if you have nothing positive to say about his sister? Or are you just being so very negative about this whole thing because you are a bit jealous she’s getting married & her mom is hosting the wedding?
I would try to reframe things in your mind & attempt to be kinder in your thoughts and, hopefully, your actions will be kind, as well.
A card is fine. No real need for a gift… except it is his sister. Generosity isn’t a bad idea.
Post # 4
My partner doesn’t like saying no to his mother. Believe me, if I could, I wouldn’t go at all. I’m not jealous at all. I don’t want a wedding. I mentioned that the mother is paying for everything because it’s sad. We have felt like the sister has been manipulating and using her. They don’t have a ton of money, but yet the sister doesn’t care to choose expensive choices for the wedding at her mother’s cost. Yet, all she talks about if the gifts she will be receiving from the guests she invited.
Post # 5
My sister had next to nothing and did a painting for us rather than nothing. My husband’s brothers didn’t give so much as a card(we love them all). Just because that’s what she wants doesn’t mean it’s what she gets. Pick out something affordable, even a small gift card to put toward the pots, and move on.
Post # 6
I would never think of going to a wedding and just showing up with a card. Gifts are always given in my circle and 200 dollar Gift doesn’t seem that out of the norm.
I do think it’s weird that she told her mother what gift you needed to buy but I also think you are getting caught up in how you feel about her. I say either get her the gift/a gift in your budget or just don’t go.
Post # 7
You can’t go empty handed. If you can’t afford the gift she wants, choose something else that is within budget. Doesn’t she have a registry? Choose something off of there or get something universally useful, like a Dutch oven. If you are going to maintain a relationship with his mother, you can’t ignore her daughter just because you think she’s a brat. In fact, I didn’t see anything in the OP to indicate she has done anything to you. It would be incredibly poor form to do what you are suggesting.
Post # 8
Giving just a card to his sister seems pretty poor. Splitting the cost of the pot’s and pan’s between you and your partner is not that pricey, however if you cannot afford it just be upfront to the mum and say you are giving cash to contribute.
Post # 9
The future sister in law didn’t ask for anything, her mother did. If you want to preserve the potential for a future relationship, possibly even a better one, I suggest rethinking an empty card.
Wedding gifts are certainly traditional and customary on tbe guest side. They are usually based on budget and closeness of relationship. You don’t have to break your budget, and she’s not entitled, but if you aren’t inspired by sentiment to give a gift of any kind you probably don’t belong there.
A gift can be from the both of you.
Post # 10
93Gilbert : The sister is being petty asking for a specific gift, however I think it’s very petty that you are considering attending empty handed.
Don’t buy her what she’s asked for, but do bring something along as a gift.
Post # 11
I don’t see the relevance of how long she has been with her partner or how long you have been with yours and why it is a factor in this. All the backstory makes you sound incredibly petty.
It’s pretty rude to turn up to a wedding with just a card and not make any effort with even a small gift.
To be honest we don’t even know if she asked or if the mom just picked something off the registry and told the brother “when you’re picking a gift this is a good idea”.
Post # 12
I would never go to a wedding without a gift, especially a siblings wedding. For my brother’s we bought something off the registry and for my SIL we gave her a handmade gift.
You don’t have to buy her the specific gift she requested (which was rude) but it would be petty of you to show up with nothing.
Post # 13
I wouldn’t go empty-handed to anyone’s wedding. Rude. However, in my circle $215 is MUCH more than I’d ever pay (more than twice what I’ve spent on anyone before. Only one of my guests spent this much on my wedding and I nearly fell off my chair with their generosity). I wouldn’t pay that, especially as it doesn’t sound like the norm in your circle either. BUT – it’s your boyfriend’s sister. Surely it’s up to him what he wants to do?
If you both don’t want to spend so much, do the pans HAVE to be bought as a set? Or could you buy one or two of them instead?
Also – I know a lot of people who met and got engaged within a year. It’s not always bad.
Post # 14
I don’t see how the length of her relationship compared to yours is relevant?
I can’t believe you would seriously consider not going to your partner’s sister’s wedding. I get it when there is abuse, but this doesn’t sound like it. I have family members who are spoilt, pampered and a little manipulative, but I would never think to miss their wedding. Part of having family is putting up with imperfections, save for extreme situations.
Seriously, cut her some slack and a little empathy.
If you don’t turn up or give just a card, let me tell you that for a long time, the extended family will be saying worse things about you than being entitled and spoilt.
Post # 15
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
Wow you sound very bitter towards her. And just because your fh doesn’t like her entitled attitudes it’s still his sister, my god. So you don’t want to buy the pots and pans don’t buy the pots and pans. You want to just give her a card then go ahead. But know that it’s his sister not a second cousin. It doesn’t matter how YOUR family was brought up and raised this is his side. So you want to give them a card go ahead but it’s very very tacky.