Post # 1
My Brother has recently told our parents and I that he has been involved with a married woman for months. She intends to end her marriage (which she claims was miserable and hastily entered into) and they plan to move away together to start mutual graduate degrees. I have known the woman for many years and do not dislike or especially distrust her. In fact, her sister was already on our modest guest list. She has initiated the discussion of ending her marriage, but without acknowleging her involvement with my brother to her spouse. Nobody knows how long a divorce will take or how smooth things will go. Right in front of her and our parents, he asked if she could come as his date as they were coming clean with all of this. My kneejerk response in that situation was to say okay. Upon further reflection though – I have a lot of concerns. Will there be any wierdness about posting photos that include them? Will she be legally seperated by that time? Divorced Finalized? Even asking myself these questions is uncomfortable and frustrating as these are not themes I want to effect our wedding day.
Is it appropriate for me to ask that she only come if she is legally seperated? I feel like this is imposing my morality on others…but I just don’t know what to do. Marriage has always been respected in my family and this truly feels against the grain and completely uncharacteristic of my brother.
Post # 2
For me, I would have no qualms stating illicit affair partners aren’t invited to my wedding.
I would neither want the drama, the whispers, nor would it sit well with me to be celebrating my marriage vows while attendees openly thumbed their nose at theirs.
If she ends her relationship and they became a legitimate couple, I’d invite her.
ETA: In terms of ettiquette, if you invite a married, unseparated female guest, you’re obligated to invite her spouse. Perhaps reminding your brother of that fact will make him drop it.
Post # 3
I would not invite her until or unless she is divorced. People can and do sometimes reconcile, which is exactly why the legalities are not always so quick or easy. Even if the chances of that are slim to none, I would not get involved at this time.
Post # 4
I think your brother absolutely has a right to bringing a plus one. That doesn’t mean you have to include her in photos though. But it seems very odd that you would try and dictate that she be “legally” separated before attending. Presumably if her and your brother are attending large events together as a couple, she will no longer be with romantically involved with her husband (the legality of it doesn’t really matter).
Post # 5
Idk that just seems like bad karma to have a person known to be in an affair at your wedding 😂 it’d be a no from me and I wouldn’t feel sorry at all.
Post # 6
Divorces take a long time; to not invite her because she isn’t legally divorced yet is silly. BUT she needs to come clean to her current husband, and separate from him. If he doesn’t even know they are separating then obviously that could be a huge issue
Post # 7
Allow your brother his plus 1 and then stay out of it!! This might end up being bad news for your brother and her but that is their business. It’s just too complicated getting involved and telling her that she needs a divorce first.
Post # 8
I don’t think that would sit well with me either. I would tell them that she is welcome to attend so long as she is legally separated or divorced by the date. Right now they are both actively involved in a marital affair and I would not be able to openly support that behavior at my wedding.
Post # 9
This woman might be part of your life and family for a long time. I wouldn’t want her at my wedding, but if you go back on your invite you will likely be in for years of awkwardness and bad feelings. If you already said she could come, I don’t think it’s a good idea to change your decision.
Post # 10
I see your point, but I think your brother has a right to bring his girlfriend. Definitely make sure she’s not in all your important family pictures.
Post # 11
I was separated once for 8 years, my fiance was separated for 10 years. As long as she is moved out and separated from her husband I don’t see a problem. My life didn’t stop because I was separated. I still attended weddings, social events, etc. I was a single mom and could not afford a divorce and after a while I saw no reason to because I wasn’t marrying/serious about anyone else.
When is she moving out from the husband and when is your wedding?
Post # 12
Without knowing all of the ins and outs of her relationship, I wouldn’t feel any need to concern myself with her marital status. I would invite her as a courtesy to my brother but she would not be able to participate in any family photos.
Post # 13
I agree with twilight. It’s his relationship and his drama to worry about, but I wouldnt want her in any of the family photos. It’s fine if she’s in the candid ones, just not the posed family ones.
Post # 14
Your brother gets a plus one. I wouldn’t like it either but their relationship is really their business & if they are hiding then isn’t much you can do. That being said I wouldn’t put her in family photos because they haven’t been together long.
Post # 15
Technically there is no such thing as a totally discretionary +1. Hosts can and do have the right to decide if a currently married person is an appropriate guest. Most properly, you solicit the name of a would be guest and issue an invitation to that person, individually.