Sibling's girlfriend as guest? (She's married to someone else)

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 16
Member
2416 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Lol I definitely would not invite a married woman whose husband doesn’t know she has a boyfriend on the side, to my wedding, as my sibling’s plus one. Just no. That sounds like a movie plot. 

When is your wedding? Maybe if they’re actually still together and she is in the process of getting divorced, you can reassess when it gets closer. But for now, hell no. Unless your brother is a complete idiot, he should understand why. Even people in affairs still know it’s wrong, they’re just too caught up in it to care. 

Post # 19
Member
12237 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

frustratedsis :  I’m sorry, but there is no such thing as “verbally separated.” Give me a break. Just say no. 

Post # 20
Member
2416 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

frustratedsis :  dude you’re well within your rights to say that you don’t want her there unless she’s divorced. It’s YOUR wedding. I’d be more concerned about not offending your fiance’s family with blatant infidelity (if indeed it would be public knowledge and they’d be offended?) than not offending her / your brother. It’s your wedding, do what you want.

Or kick the can down the road until it’s closer. Chances are the relationship will not last, anyway. 

Post # 21
Member
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

How do you plan to enforce that? “When RSVPing, please attach a signed note from your husband that he knows you had an affair.”

Post # 22
Hostess
3166 posts
Sugar bee

She’s still married, it sounds like she is not actually separated yet, and her husband doesn’t even know your brother exists. It would be a no from me. This woman and your brother can do whatever they want. But I wouldn’t co-sign her cheating on her husband by inviting her to attend your wedding and celebrate marriage with her side piece.

 

Post # 23
Member
1112 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

frustratedsis :  I still think it’s best to let him face the drama by giving him a plus one. He is free to bring whomever he wants and he’s on him. She won’t be oi family pictures anyway. 

Post # 24
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

For me, I wouldn’t allow it until she was completely separated and moved out from her husband, to the point where any photos she may be in on social media won’t surprise any of her or her husband’s mutual aquaintances. Waiting until legal divorce may not be practical as that tends to take a long time.

I believe in the sanctity of marriage, and inviting her to my wedding while she is still married and lying to her husband wouldn’t feel right.

Post # 25
Member
696 posts
Busy bee

frustratedsis :  Not your business if she posts it on facebook or not; if she wants to go to the wedding she’s obviously willing to go public with her relationship with your brother. But switching on facebook is different; it took me about 6 months to remove my status from facebook simply because I didn’t want to deal with the number of people who would be asking questions.

Her relationships are her business and IMO your brother should get a +1; you don’t know all the details of her relationship with her soon to be ex husband. In my case he was abusive and I didn’t want to deal with explaining it to people until I was ready. So our separation was relatively quiet initially and I didn’t go into details with really anyone. Even once we were officially divorced there were people who were shocked. I started dating my now Fiance during our separation and i’m sure there were people who suspected I was cheating (even though we tried to keep it quiet). My point is you just don’t know the nitty gritty details of her marriage and it’s unfair to assume the worst.

Post # 26
Member
6788 posts
Busy Beekeeper

What on earth is verbal separation? Plenty of people physically and financially separate while going through the long process of divorce without filing for legal separation–they just file for divorce and go through the process.

I can’t imagine being involved with someone while still living with a husband–how incredibly awkward. Let alone meeting a new BF’s entire family while still living with my husband. Is there a reason she hasn’t filed for divorce? You can do it without an attorney in the US. 

She needs to get her ducks in a row and deal with her marriage before anybody is worrying about her attending your wedding. One thing at a time. Is your brother concerned that she hasn’t taken steps to end her marriage?

You don’t have to decide until the day you are mailing invitations and see where things stand. 

Post # 28
Member
342 posts
Helper bee

frustratedsis :  Give your brother a plus one.  She doesn’t need a specific invite.  If he brings her, its his problem.  You have no obligation to inculde her in family photos (nor should she expect to be included.)  

However you may feel about their relationship, its up to your brother to inculde her (or not.)  There is no need to start a rift between you or brother.  There is no need to judge your brother or the woman.  If your husband’s relatives have an issue with it, they have an issue with it.

None of this is your problem.  Your brother has a plus one.  If your husband’s family has an issue with it, they can bring it up with him.  Really, its not your place to judge their relationship.

I completely understand why you are not a fan of this relationship.  I completely understand why you don’t want this woman at the wedding. I would feel the same way.  Yet, I don’t think you have any right to request your brother not bring his girlfriend (regardless of her relationship status.)  Let your brother take the heat.  You will barely notice the woman at your wedding.

Sincerely,

A bride who has several unpleasant or unwanted people attending her wedding too (Hugs!) 

Post # 29
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I think that if she is still living with her husband and he is in the dark about her relationship and her plans to leave, then telling your brother that it makes you uncomfortable, and that you only said yes because you were put on the spot when he asked with her present (which is really manipulative, IMO). It seems like he knew you might feel weird about it so he had her there to make you feel bad saying no. But that’s just my own speculation, I don’t know your brother. If she is physically separated from him–i.e., living in her own place, her husband is aware that they are no longer together, then I don’t think it’s okay for you to dictate their relationship. I mean, theoretically she could say that the separation is legal, are you going to ask for papers and documentation? It’s a wedding, not a security check at the airport haha. Whatever you do, I completely empathize because I was stressing out about my brother’s girlfriend, and it seemed like no matter what option it would hurt someone and make for an awkward dynamic. As a wedding gift to me, though, he broke up with her (totally kidding, it was on his own accord). 

Post # 30
Member
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

beethree :  When I left my ex-husband, my lawyer advised me to send him an email confirming that I was separating from him even though I was still in the process of finding a new place to live, so technically my address was still our shared home but I was establishing that I considered myself separated from him. This was helpful in setting a start date for the separation, since our state required a 6 month separation before filing for divorce.  Sorry, just a side note! Maybe that’s what this woman is doing. 

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