Sibling's girlfriend as guest? (She's married to someone else)

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 46
Member
744 posts
Busy bee

I’d say it’s a no to a wedding invite until she has a seperate living situation. She’s not moving in with you and you Dear Fiance and brother right?! That would be a disaster. 

Post # 47
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

When my XH and I separated, I was on a waiting list to move into an apartment for 3 months. I had no choice but to stay in the marital home during that time. We lived in separate areas of the house, and led completely separate lives. We didn’t file for divorce until two months after our separation, because it took that long to work out the details. I also dated, and actually started dating my now-SO while I was still living with my XH. So as some other posters have mentioned, there may be a myriad of reasons she is still living with her husband. It’s likely very awkward and not fun for her, but sometimes it’s necessary.

You’ve gotten enough advice as far as what to do, but if it were my brother, I’d suck it up and not rescind the invite.

Post # 48
Member
493 posts
Helper bee

This is so freaking weird.    I would understand if her and the husband were aalready seperated…. but none of it makes sense lol. 

Post # 49
Member
493 posts
Helper bee

wineosaur :  I think this is a different situation!  To me it sounds like the woman hasn’t even broached the subject of seperation with her huband yet. 

Post # 50
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“I would not invite her until or unless she is divorced.”

This is unreasonable. Many divorces can take months to years, with no chance of reconciliation. I was fully separated from my ex for a year (living apart for longer) when I met my Fiance. I was not officially divorced until several months into our relationship. There was nothing illicit or improper in that situation and demanding my divorce papers before receiving a wedding invite would have been unseemly. Also, in many states there is no “legal separation.” 

While your brother did not begin his relationship on an auspicious note, I would err on the side of preserving my relationship with him (and a possible future SIL) by allowing him to bring his partner to your wedding.

Post # 51
Member
9578 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

frustratedsis :  it’s on her to make sure she doesn’t fuck up her divorce proceedings, I’d extend the invite and let her do what she needs to do. 

Re: will it mean you can’t post pics she is in… Id make sure you get versions without her for any posed shots anyway, since she is just a girlfriend.  My brothers girlfriend was flattered to be brought in to versions of the photos, rather than upset to be left out of a few versions.

Post # 52
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

KB87 :  That’s true, but we really don’t know for sure. OP said, “She has initiated the discussion of ending her marriage, but without acknowleging her involvement with my brother to her spouse” which kind of makes it seem like her husband knows she wants a divorce, but not that she is seeing OP’s brother. It’s hard to gauge what’s really going on here.

Post # 54
Member
7048 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

frustratedsis :  You seem to have a lot of disdain for this woman based on the fact that she’s been cheating on her husband….but your brother is knowingly dating a married woman so he’s not any better.  I know people think it’s worse on the cheater’s end, but I personally both parties are equally at fault if all parties involved know that one is still married. 

I think this is a case of “not your circus, not your monkeys”. Your brother was given a +1 and he wants to bring his girlfriend. His relationship status isn’t really any of your business. Is it a shitty situation? Yeah, and personally I think they’re both in the wrong and it’s really crappy behavior but at the end of the day how does it affect you?  I can assure you there are likely other people who will be attending your wedding having their own realtionship/marital issues….probably even some who might be cheating on their partner. The difference is you aren’t privy to their private life. 

Post # 55
Member
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

beethree :  That was just my own personal experience with “establishing” a separation, and if I recall from my lawyer, there were various ways to do it.  Either way, no sense in speculating how this woman is choosing to go about it- OP can decide to ask outright or choose to use the info that she has, and make her decision about how she wants to handle it. 

Post # 56
Member
2014 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

No way, I wouldn’t support cheating 

Post # 58
Member
6787 posts
Busy Beekeeper

n00bee :  Agreed.

I’ve gone through divorce–if it’s not in writing it doesn’t matter. We also didn’t have to have anything “figured out” to file–filing simply got the ball (and negotiations) rolling–finances, property, custody and child support were all worked out after filing. 

Post # 59
Member
1112 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

frustratedsis :   I responded before and said your brother should get a plus one.

 

I have a question.

Do all your guests need to pass a moral test in order to get an invitation to your wedding? And morals are set on your beliefs?

 

She won’t even be your guest, she’s your brother’s guest. Technically he’s the one who’s inviting her.

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