Sibling's girlfriend as guest? (She's married to someone else)

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 61
Member
12207 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

A host has the right to select and approve their own guest list. 

There is not supposed to be any such thing as an anonymous +1, and they are not obligatory for anyone not married, engaged, or living together in any case. You might be generous enough to ask a guest if there is anyone they would like to bring or if they are seeing anyone they’d like to bring. Most properly, that person would get their own separate invitation, something that could certainly be problematic in this situation. But no, OP’s sibling does not have a free pass here. 

Post # 66
Member
745 posts
Busy bee

I’m seeing a lot of debate on your brothers relationship, but have you spoken to this women on if she wants to attend your wedding or not with your brother? You may not even have a issue to worry about. I know that alledgedly she has spoken to her husband about separating, and your brother wants to bring her as his date, but she may not even want to come.

I’d speak to her about attending your wedding and if she wants to come. More than anything I’d be concerned that her husband may show up and cause trouble. Since your brother is getting only her version of what is what on what her husband knows and does not know, you can only count on his version up to a point. There’s no guarentee she’s telling him the truth.

I had to deal with a very similar situation at my wedding. A relative was seeing someone behind the spouses back. I knew that she had asked this guy many times to take trips away with her and he had always said no, at least that’s what she told me when she’d call me crying about it. Once I overheard her conversation by speaker phone of him saying no.

A few weeks before the wedding she spoke to me on the phone and made comments like ‘I haven’t decided who I’m going to bring yet’ and I then told her she wasn’t to bring anyone. Main reason why I did so was because I didn’t want to risk her boyfriends wife showing up at the wedding. I doubt there was much chance he would have been willing to come anyway , but she had made mention here and there that it would be the perfect place for them to ‘spend time together’ since it was out of state.

Maybe I did the right thing back then and maybe I didn’t, but I don’t regret it. I dont regret doing so for the sake of my wedding day, and I hoped that if she was told she coudln’t bring anyone then it would save her the hurt of being told yet again that he didn’t want to/couldn’t take trips away with her.

anyway, that was my experience. I’m sure you don’t want to upset and hurt your brother, but I do wonder if this woman really wants to take the risk of exposing herself by attending the wedding and likely get her picture posted on someone’s facebook page.  Even if you keep her out of hte main pictures it’s likely someone is going to get her ina  group shot or something unplugged wedding or not.

Post # 67
Member
1095 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

“That’s a no from me.” 

I love how this is none of your business, but also your obligation. If she causes a scene and destroys something at the venue, who’s on the hook? You. So you are responsible for the stability of the people you choose to invite. Your brother doesn’t get a +1, no one gets a +1. People in established relationships get invited by name, and no your mistriss doesn’t count. 

If she was openly separated but the divorce wasn’t final I would feel different. But they were having an affair at least until last Friday. No, you do not have to host an affair to your wedding. 

One of my coworkers decided to invite his married mistress to the Christmas party. It was awkward af. Everyone knew. Her husband knew, but he was unhappy about it as his frequent calls to the office demonstrated. And that was an unimportant event. Do not invite that bs into your life. 

Post # 69
Member
12207 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

In the future, when put on the spot, repeat after me, “I’m going to have to think about that and get back to you.” That little line has been a lifesaver too many times to count. 

I’m amused but not surprised by all the people who point out she would inevitably be posted on FB. That may be true, but it shouldn’t be. I find it rude when people post photos and video of other people’s events without express permission and especially when they provide evidence of someone else’s guest list for the benefit of a group of people who were not invited. 

Unplugged sounds better and better all the time. 

Anyway, I think it’s perfectly appropriate to say you had second thoughts. 

Post # 70
Member
745 posts
Busy bee

frustratedsis :  Sounds like you’ve got a decision to make. I do all I can to not judge people’s love life since it’s their decision and business, but if someone is hosting a event it’s the host decision on who to invite or not. You’re the host, it’s your call.

If she’s clarified that her husband doesn’t know she’s dating your brother, I wouldn’t invite this woman as your brother’s date if it was up to me. This is your wedding day, and whatever memories it makes are yours and the ones that will mean a lot to you for a long time. IMO if she comes as your brothers date, you’re asking for trouble. A angry husband could find out and show up, people could confront your brother and his Girlfriend, and there would probably be backlash with pictures and videos of her in it. Unfortunately you’d probably be the one that would have to answer to a lot of this in one way or another. It shouldn’t be that way, but people would probably look to you on it.

If she was separated I’d probably say fine, but she’s not and according to her, the husband doesn’t know, that’s very different in my eyes.  I wouldn’t want pictures and videos from my wedding to be proof of adultery for a husband to use. Has your brother considered that? Mine probably wouldn’t think of that if he was in this situation, that’s why God created big sisters I think.  Not a responsibility I’d want on my shoulders.

 I hope this all works out ok for you, family stuff gets complicated. I agree, doesn’t sound like she has thought this through.

Post # 73
Member
522 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

A guest is a guest is a guest…as long as a person poses no physical threat to others I think you should welcome them.

Post # 75
Member
1095 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

TinderBoxx :  But this person is not a guest, or at least that’s the question. And we don’t know that she poses no physical threat. It is not unlikely that she poses no physical threat. She makes bad decisions and could leave location and time laying around for an angry husband to find. 

 

 

Can’t people just quit bringing their fucking mistresses to other people’s events. It’s a WEDDING for fuck’s sake. 

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