Post # 1
Hey, do you feel it’s the norm to have your partner’s siblings be bridesmaids/groomsmen? Do you feel it’s too important to ignore? That it would be weird to have your fiance have his brothers there but his sister only be a guest because, while you like her fine, you just aren’t CLOSE with her and have closer friends?
You may be thinking I’m the bride in this situation, but I’m actually the sister! My brother got engaged recently on a family vacation (we all saw it coming so it was no surprise) and I think I want to tell her that she is not obligated to have me as a bridesmaid. But would that be weird, as I know my other brothers will just about certainly be groomsmen?
What expectations would you guys have from your siblings, if any?
What have you seen others do in this situation?
Or would you (or others you know) even include siblings of the opposite sex but on your ‘side’ at the ceremony?
So yes, I can totally see many responses being that if I have no intention of asking her, then she should not feel obligated to ask me. Part of it comes back to the whole blood-sibling thing since it IS my brother, but who knows. I know it’s likely the right thing to do but I guess I just felt like throwing it out there for all the opinionated people to yell at me. xD This site can be a wee bit vicious occasionally, but I wore my big girl britches today!
Post # 2
Everyone has a different expectation when it comes to siblings in the bridal party. I say absolutely! Some people it’s absolutely not. You should know better how she feels than anonymous internet strangers.
Regardless of all that, it’s not your call so hey good for you take a step back and don’t be too concerned either way.
Post # 3
I think you might be overthinking this. Wedding parties aren’t tit for tat. Neither of you is obligated to have the other in the wedding party. I’ve seen friends include their FSILs whether or not they were close, and then not include them in the Wedding Party all together. I’m not having my SFIL as a bridesmiad, traditionally, she is standing on my FI’s side and my brother on mine. It’s all in what you want.
Regarding whether or not you should mention something to her, eh, I probably wouldn’t say anything. If she asks, and you don’t wish to be in the wedding, you can say that you would prefer to attend as a guest. It’s totally cool.
Post # 4
Family is really important to me and I truly mean that, vacations together and cabin rentals, Monday night bachelor viewing parties, NYE, etc. So I did ask my husband’s sister, even though she lives across the country and I don’t know her very well. I also had my SIL and my husband had my brother on his side. For me I was imagining, 10, 20 years from now who do my husband and I really want in those pictures from our wedding day? Who do we want those memories with? I would suggest people getting married really think about who is going to stay in their life but not everyone will come to the same conclusion.
Post # 5
I think it would be weirder if you told her she didn’t have to ask you (because it’s assuming a lot)! I’m sure she knows she doesn’t HAVE to ask you. If she asks (and there’s no other reason why you don’t want to be in her bridal party) I think you should say yes and trust that she’s weighed the pros and cons of asking you vs. asking someone else.
Post # 6
I wouldn’t tell her she doesn’t have to ask you, she knows that. And if she does ask, I would say yes as it’s a nice gesture and doesn’t mean you have to ask her when you get married.
You are way overthinking and way overcomplicating this.
Post # 7
I think you are overthinking it! I think it’s completely a personal preference.
For instance, when figuring out our wedding party, my fiance felt it was very important to have his siblings in it even though he is not close with his brother at all. On my end, I would have liked my brothers to be in the wedding party, but I didn’t feel as strongly about it.
In the end, we have his sister as a bridesmaid, one of my brothers as a groomsman, and my other brother as our officiant! My fiance’s brother turned down the offer to be a groomsman but my fiance wasn’t heartbroken over it even though he originally wanted him to be part of it.
We decided not to have my brother’s wife or my fiance’s sister’s husband involved.
Post # 8
If you feel like you would be on any side then you would be on your brother’s, especially if you aren’t close with the bride… however she may take this as an opportunity to get closer to you?
Don’t say anything, because then she might feel pressured to ask you regardless of whether you have said you want to be a guest. Let her and your brother have that dilemma….
Just say that you are pleased that they are getting married
DH and I have three brothers between us and no sisters (or any in-laws yet) so we had all three brothers as ushers under the same title
Post # 9
Following the thread bc I’m in a similar situation except I’m a sister who’s confident she WON’T be a bridesmaid 😔. I’m not gunna lie, I was super bummed bc I think I have a pretty good relationship w the bride, and my brother and I are super close.
When they first got engaged I asked some friends and colleagues what their weddings were like and the majority included their fiances siblings in the bridal party (unless there was beef w the sibling) but I think it varies person to person based on your values. I’m a family over everything kinda girl while others are closer w friends than fam so I don’t think there’s a hard and fast rule.
Post # 10
I honestly wouldn’t say anything, especially if you’re not close. If she asks you, awesome! If not, awesome! You’ll be there regardless celebrating with them and I think that’s what matters most. There’s no obligation to have each other in the bridal party.
Post # 11
I’ve found this is very regional / cultural. Where I am (Australia, which pretty well follows UK tradition): sisters of the bride and brothers of the groom are almost always in the bridal party; but brothers of the bride and sisters of the groom are usually not, and there’s certainly no obligation.
In your situation, it wouldn’t be weird at all to have your brothers in the bridal party but not you.
Post # 12
I think it totally should be based off how close the bride/groom is to the potential bridesmaid/groomsmen. Im not asking any of my FIs sisters to be bridesmaids, but he’s having his brothers stand for him. I’m just not close to his sisters, and honestly don’t really want a 6 person bridal party on my side alone! I don’t think you should say anything, I feel like you’re overthinking it. I’m having my sisters stand for me, and I wouldn’t expect Fiance to have my brothers stand for him, he’s not close to them. And if a bride or groom isn’t even close with their siblings, I think it’s totally OK to have close friends stand for them instead! Of course, it’s traditionally the norm to have family above friends, but everyone’s relationships and situations are different. In the end, I firmly believe the bridal party should strictly be people who fully support the bride/groom and/or are close to them. If you’re really concerned though, maybe just put the bug in your brother (the grooms) ear so the bride doesn’t feel obligated?
Post # 13
Once agai, I’m feeling glad that I’m old. In MY DAY, weddings were family events, and that meant that you included family in your wedding. Period.
A cousin of mine (we were raised like sibs) was marrying a fancy lady, and although I was making good money at the time performing at weddings, she did not include me in her bridesmaids or her ceremony, although I had included her husband (my cousin) in our wedding.
She didn’t like our family, and showed it in countless ways, then skipped out on my cousin, and via community property, acquired half the value of the house that he had built and restored before they met, and to which she had contributed not one cent.
I was sorry that she joyfully stole half of what was morally all his, but not sorry that she was gone.
YES, please consider the fact that these are people who may be part of a long future.
Post # 14
- Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom
DH had his brother as a groomsman because it was expected of him (they aren’t that close). When DH’s brother got married he asked DH to be a groomsman for the same reason. I do have a brother, but I am estranged from my family so that is moot…DH did say though that if I DID have a relationship with my family, he would have asked my brother to be at least an usher. If DH had a sister I would have probably asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man out of politeness. DH does have a SIL (his brothers wife), but I didn’t ask her because at the time her and I were fresh off a feud that had lasted over a year (LONG STORY unrelated to this thread). We were civil at the time (and have since made amends), but it wasn’t expected of me to ask her considering the circumstances.
From what I’ve seen, same gendered siblings are somewhat expected to be asked. Opposite gendered siblings, there is SOME expectation, but it isn’t AS expected because the bride and groom respectively have the right to choose their own wedding party.
Post # 15
I have eight siblings so including them all would have been overkill. I have three sisters so two were bridesmaids and one was the flower girl. My husband was going to have his only brother be a groomsmen but he didn’t want to put pressure on him and he ended up not being able to make it anyway. We had one of my brothers be a groomsmen since he is close to both of us. In the end none of his three siblings were in the bridal party, and they didn’t mind either way, but I really wanted to include some of mine. Especially since I was the first of the nine to get married!