Post # 1
I’m emotional right now, so sorry if this is jumbled.
I have two nephews, a 2 year old who is my brother’s child, and a 9 month old who is my sister’s child. My brother has a very unique parenting style that I won’t get into, but let’s just say his kid is a bit unruly and has no bedtime. I also have many many cousins and friends who have young children. I chose to have a kid free wedding because of the sheer amount of children I would be inviting if I chose to include children. Also because I am not a huge fan of children, especially at late night events!
My brother and sister are both very upset that their children will not be invited. They continually bring it up to me, and I continually tell them the reasons why I chose to have a kid free wedding. I love my nephews, but they are pretty young, and my brother’s kid in particular is not very well behaved. I tend to see weddings as adult affairs, especially if they are late at night (beyond a child’s bedtime) and if there will be a lot of alcohol. My family and friends are all big drinkers and I plan for the event to go to at least 11pm. I also think it would be rude to just invite my nephews and not invite other children (I realize other people might see close family as an exception, but I do not see it that way). My nephews will be 2 and 4 at the time of my wedding and I don’t even think they will remember attending! My siblings think I’m some kind of child hating monster who doesn’t care about her nephews. 🙁
The issue is really driving a wedge between myself and my siblings, and it’s making me not enjoy wedding planning. I had planned to ask my sister to be my Maid/Matron of Honor and my brother’s wife to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but at this point I feel that they are not being supportive of my wishes and I worry that it will bring negativity to the entire planning process if they are heavily involved. On the other hand it breaks my heart to not have my siblings support, especially my sister who I consider to be my best friend. I can’t bring up anything wedding related without the kids being mentioned. I don’t know what to do at this point. I am not going to budge on the no kid policy so I don’t know what I can do.
I also want to add that my siblings both had kid free weddings (by choice) and no one batted an eye. I just wish I could have been married before they had kids so that I wouldn’t have to deal with this drama. My brother has threatened on several occasions to bring his child regardless of my wishes. 🙁 If other people decide not to come because I did not invite their children, then I totally understand, but I REALLY want my siblings to attend and have a good time.
Post # 3
@scorpion: What exactly do they say when you point out how they didn’t invite kids to their weddings? How can they defend it?
Post # 4
@Chrysoberyl: They say that if they had nephews at the time then they would have invited their nephews. Which is easy to say now that their weddings are over and done with!
Post # 5
To be perfectly honest, I never heard of kid-free weddings until I came to WB. And in my half centurey on the planet, I have never attended a kid-free wedding and I have been to well over a hundred weddings in my lifetime. Many families view weddings as family events and if that was the case here, I would be more understanding. But since THEY had kid-free weddings, they certainly should be tolerant of you wanting one. There are such things as baby-sitters.
Post # 6
Do your siblings live close by? What do your parents think?
Post # 7
@scorpion: what you do is tell them nicely but firmly to put a sock in it. you are not having kids at the wedding, it’s been discussed and settled, they need to accept it and remember their OWN kid fee weddings and stop being such raging hypocrites, it’s one stinking night, get a sitter and deal, case closed, stop bringing it up.
If they do anyway, ignore them and change the subject. If your special snowflake brother says he’ll show up with his ill behaved kid, sweetly reply you would hate to ask them to leave.
Post # 8
Ditto with the pp. Stop debating the issue with them. Tell them the decision has been made and that’s all there is to it. They have plenty of time to get a sitter.
If they bring up the subject, tell them you are not discussing it and change the subject or walk away.
Post # 9
I am sorry you have this much push back on this issue. It is beyond rude for them to continue acting as they are. It also sounds like they are not thinking of the best interests of their children. Fiance says kids that young have no place at an evening wedding.
Post # 10
@HisIrishPrincess: They both will be traveling from out of town, BUT they both have grandparents in the area that are able to watch the kids for the night. My parents agree that it’s fine to not invite them and they side with me (THANKFULLY). I think I would just elope if my parents weren’t down with it.
@Zhabeego: Yes, I think this is what I need to do! But do I still include my sister and SIL in my bridal party? I think I need to chat with my SIL to see if she agrees with my brother or if she is going to be more reasonable–maybe she can talk some sense into him. It’s hard to just ignore the comments they make about me not caring about my nephews. It really strikes a nerve with me. I do need to cool my temper a bit and be the bigger person. Thanks for the advice.
Post # 11
I think you don’t have to continue explaining your decision to them. You have told them your reasons and they just argue with you.
Because you are close with them, perhaps you can just tell them honestly that their attitude is hurting your feelings!
Post # 12
You have plenty of time to choose BM’s. Let the dust settle for a while and see whether you still want to ask them or not, or whether they would want to participate.
Post # 13
@scorpion: I am all for no kid weddings – our last Dirty Delete to be married had one. I just want to chime in from the POV of a grandparent. You have already decided these grandparents can and will babysit these children. This is a bad approach. I have 6 grandkids and I am not on call so my DDs can attend a friend’s wedding. If I am free it isn’t a problem, but especially in the Summertime (and ESPECIALLY 4th of July weekend which is your wedding), I’m all about getting away for the weekend and getting together with friends. My girls would be sorely disappointed to think I will cancel my plans so they can attend a wedding.
I don’t mean that to sound so harsh, but it pushes a button when I see someone post that there are grandparents who can babysit. We aren’t built-in babysitters!
Again – I totally support your idea of a kid free weekend, but don’t count on knowing who can babysit those kids you aren’t inviting. I quite enjoy kid free weddings!
Post # 14
@scorpion: Grr. I don’t what to say except stand your ground.
While I advocate making an exception for nursing infants (who don’t run around, and are hard to babysit), there is no need to make an exception for 2 and 4 year olds. Their parents should get a sitter, which I assume they do on some other occasions anyway. Your brother and sister are being ridiculous and I wish you luck.
@HisIrishPrincess: +1. Your parents could be important in this. What do they think? EDIT: Oh good. Well maybe they can (also) speak to your brother and sister.
Post # 15
I also wanted to say you should wait quite a few months before choosing your bridal party. spend some time on a bridal party board and read about all the brides who want to fire bridemaids because relationships have changed.
Hold fast to your no kid wedding and let the dust settle. Then, in a few months, ask them to be in the wedding if things are going well.
Post # 16
I would have one more discussion with each of them. Then ignore them and plan your wedding and refuse to discuss it with them. Don’t let them suck the joy out. 😀