Post # 1
I don’t know what to do with my older brother. He’s been with this girl, that our family doesn’t know well but we’ve not been impressed with what we do know. He doesn’t like to talk about her and has repeatedly told our mom that he’s not marrying her. Right after this, she posts up on FB that they’re engaged, etc. I was talking to her on FB to try and get to know her better when she let the bomb drop that they are getting married at the courthouse in 2 weeks. Wait, and was that a surprise to hear? Yep, it was. He’s in the military, so he’s out of the country and it hurts that he wouldn’t tell his family that he was getting married. I also don’t agree with their reasons that this wedding was because it would be cheaper to move her stuff if they were married, and besides, they didn’t want to “upset my wedding thunder” since they originally wanted to get married this fall as well. I hate that excuse and I don’t understand why they are rushing into this. Did anybody else have a sibling suddenly rush into getting married when you announced your engagement? How did you handle it?
Post # 3
Well, I haven’t been in a situation like this but have you asked your brother about it? It would be a good idea just to confirm the story. I guess there’s nothing wrong with them wanting to get married quickly (by the way you didn’t say how long you have been engaged but it could be that the two events aren’t related), but it would sure be nice if you heard about it in person and not on Facebook!
Post # 4
@eleroo02: my sister got engaged about two months after me and although she wanted to have her wedding the same month of mine she postponed it for a year. That did not stop her from taking over all my wedding plans though..including taking my mother away from doing wedding things with me to go dress shopping with her instead. Anyways, two weeks after my wedding she called hers off and left the guy. She had been with her guy for over 5 years though and the family knew everything about him. (there is a point to me telling you this).
Maybe your brother or his gf ar pushing this because you are getting there? your engaged and you are getting married? I feel thats why my sister did it, anyways. I think you guys need to sit down and talk to your brother, and then sit down and talk to your brother and gf together…If this is something they really want they would be excited and tell people….
Post # 5
@Baileyh: I do feel like they are pushing it because of me getting married. That and my brother is having a small crisis about turning 30. Even when he was 27(!!) he complained how he didn’t want to be 30 and single. Unfortunately we can’t talk to them in person as my brother isn’t a big phone person and they are in Guam. My whole family is upset about this. I did send him an email telling him how I didn’t appreciate hearing about it from her over Facebook. It’s his life and I want to be supportive, but I still feel like they are rushing into it.
@MademoiselleL: I’ve been engaged for 6 months now and as each month progresses this “wedding” keeps changing times. I should admit she’s slightly crazy and even before they were engaged, she was picking different wedding times and posting them. Somehow this one seems like it’s happening. Last I had heard the wedding was going to be November 2011, and then summer 2012, and now two weeks.
Post # 6
@eleroo02: oh thats really unfortunate!! I would recommend not sending emails though, my sister dropped out my party bc of emails…they just lose way to much context.
I dont know if there is much you can do about this but take solace in the fact that your whole family knows they are being a little ridiculous. It deff. sounds like a “mid life” crisis for your brother (my other sister is going through the same thing, she is 25 and pushing marriage with her cheating boyfriend bc she doesnt like what she has accomplished at her age). The only thing i can think of is maybe EVERYBODY doing atleast one phone call with the brother and expressing their concern ( I know he isnt a phone person but one convo might be enough…atleast plant the seed). Try to get them to postpone it till after your wedding…not to stall “taking your thunder” but just so they can see what happens after your married, cause guess what..nothing happens!! *laugh* I feel my sis called off the wedding after ours cause she realized its just one day but the vows you said were commitment for life and nothing changes….the same might be for your brother?
Post # 7
you say hes overseas, is he deployed or stationed over there and has he met this woman or is it an online thing?”
sadly sometimes people need to make their own mistakes – who knows, maybe shes a great girl
Post # 8
How long have they been togther? Maybe he knows that your family isnt ‘impressed’ by her so doesnt feel comfortable sharing the news with you all as he knows what your going to say and how you all will react- and it sounds like you are reacting the way he thought you would. Just because they want a courthouse wedding doesn’t mean they are any less in love than someone having a huge white wedding. It mustn’t be nice finding out over FB though 🙁
It must be hard feeling like your brother is making a mistake but you never know, they might just be really happy togther. I dont think people are silly enough to rush into marriage because someone else got engaged- or at least I hope they’re not that silly! You’ve been engaged for 6 months so to me it doesnt sound like he is rushing into it just because you are engaged.
I wouldnt send an email, that isnt any better than writing on facebook. A phonecall would be much better- even if hes not a big talker. I wouldnt start attacking him or firing away with the questions, maybe just act excited and start talking about their wedding and see what he says?
Post # 9
If your brother is in the army I completely understand them wanting to get married, if my Fiance was stationed overseas I would drop all my big wedding plans to make sure we were legally married as soon as possible in case something were to happen.
I actually think it’s considerate of them to have a small ceremony and not compete with your wedding. Of course I understand you’re upset your brother hasn’t said anything to you but it is his privilege and he may have his reasons for keeping you in the dark. It is his life and he doesn’t have to tell you anything unless he wants to.
I had a similar, but worse, situation with my dad where I found out after the fact that he had got married and never told me or my brothers about it. I was very upset about it at the time as I felt he didn’t think we were important enough to even be told about such an important step. Sadly, over the years, it’s become clear that my dad does not want a very close relationship with me and I’ve learnt to accept it. Instead I chose to spend my time, energy and love on those people who do want me in their lives.
Post # 10
Honestly I don’t really see a problem here and agree with both Miss Pinup & The Unsuspecting Bride. He’s entitled to live his life how he see fits. All you can do now is try to get to know his wife and work from there. There’s nothing to analyze really.
Whether he’s found love, comfort, or whatever from her and they choose to make it legal quickly, I don’t get why the family can’t let them be. You guys don’t know the inner workings of their relationship. And its probably because of family involvement that he’s making a conscious choice to keep you guys in the dark. Looking at it from your brothers POV, he’s in the military, he’s older and has clearly been living on his own for while, why does he have to check in with anybody? I certainly dont recommend a campaign to stop the wedding, thats silly.
I can understand it doesn’t feel good from your POV. I’m sorry for that. But I’m curious, is the shoe on the other foot? Does he have say show so in your relationship or do you check in with him on decisions pertaining to your mate? If not, let him breathe.
Post # 11
Thank you for your words everyone. I understand he’s a grown man and can make his own decisions, and I’ve already told him I support him in whatever decisions he makes. What makes it hard is remembering how close we were as children (everyone thought we were twins even though we were 2 years apart), and knowing that he would never let us in on his relationship with her, and that he didn’t tell us in person about this. I would often ask him about her, wanting to know something about her, how she was doing, etc and he would never talk about her. And now he wouldn’t even tell us he was getting married. It hurts and it’s something that’ll take me awhile to get over. But we are different people, and whereas I wanted to share the happy news with family, he felt it was time to be quiet about it. It’s his life, I just wish he had approached it differently and that he would let us more into this life.
Post # 12
The military does weird things to fiances that it doesn’t do to wives. It sucks really bad, so it probably made them rush things. It also means they think a little less about everyone outside because on the inside it’s so much to handle. I’m sure they didn’t do it to hurt you, but you’ll get through it. And hopefully this will give you the chance to remember to call him more often?
Post # 13
I’m already married, but my sister is marrying the guy she’s only been with for 5 months. I don’t him very well, but he seems nice. They didnt want to tell anyone they were getting married either (she told me and I told everyone 🙂 She called me last night to let me know she quit taking her birth control and their trying to conceive before the wedding in August. I don’t get the rush (she’s 23 while he’s 32)- but it’s not my life. Sometimes you have to let your siblings do what they need to do. It sounds like they were considerate in that they didn’t want to steal your wedding thunder. I’d try and be nice to her even though your brother is being immature.