Post # 1
I can’t be the only bee going through this. First, let me state that I am NOT domestic AT ALL. I get no joy from cleaning my home or cooking. BUT, I am not a total slob so I do keep a clean home and I do have to eat so I cook as well.
But bees, I’m sick of it. I feel like FI’s maid. It’s not my job to keep the place clean. I work 10 hour days and would appreciate some help around the house. I have asked nicely, joked about it, asked directly, made sarcastic remarks, you name it. The only time he does something is if I ask and that is ALL he does. Whenever, I have a big enough fit he replies with, “I’ll do X tomorrow.” Well, tomorrow, never comes and I end up doing it anyway. Every so often he says, “Babe, I appreciate everything you do around here.” I have had to bite my tongue because I want respond, “I don’t want your appreciation, I want your help.”
I have tried not cleaning for weeks to see if he gets compelled to do something. Didn’t work. There is NO initiative on his part to do anything around here. Lately, I have become resentful and angry that he has the luxury of coming home plopping on the couch and dozing off. While I always have a to-do list. We currently have a one bedroom and no kids. I am getting sick to my stomach thinking about when we move to a larger home and kids become part of the picture. I DO NOT want the sole responsibility of taking care of the home now or ever.
Anyone dealt with this and was able to reform your lazy dude? Advice needed.
Post # 3
Make a chore list: specify the chore, who does it, and when it has to be done by. Then stick to it. Make the list together so that things are equal.
I swear the list has saved my sanity.
Post # 4
Ugh, this is how I’ve been feeling lately (http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/ive-decided-it-must-be-talked-about). Luckily Fiance said he’s been feeling lazy lately and helped out yesterday. I didn’t have a talk with him yet though.
Men sometimes just don’t understand.
Post # 5
I’m in a similar situation, but feel as though I’m unable to complain. I am a student in a nursing program and I work part time. He works full time and pays the majority of the bills. When we first started dating, he had a very clean house, so it’s not like he won’t clean or doesn’t, however over the time we have lived together, I have slowly found myself doing more and more of the housework while he does less and less.
Tonight I was irritated because I had to stop studying to clean then go back to studying while he sat there and played a game. I know he pays most of the bills and I don’t work as many hours as he does, but does that make me responsible for all the housework?? I am sure between school and work I double the hours he spends at work. If I ask him he helps, but I don’t want to be a nagging girlfriend who is always after him to clean up after himself.
I wish I had some advice for you to fix this situation, but I am in need of a way to get a fire lit under my SO’s butt to get some housework done as well!
EDIT: I will be graduating in less than a month and working full time afterwards. In the fall I plan on going back to school to get my BSN while continuing to work full time, I cannot fathom how I will have time for all this and to continue to be solely responsible for keeping the house in order. I talked to him about the problem a month ago. It was better for maybe two days tops.
Post # 6
I had to double check I didn’t post this while sleep-checking the bee. I hear you. I am you. I have ZERO solutions for you. It is our biggest relationship issue. We’ve talked about getting a cleaner in here, but that won’t solve it all and we’re trying to be careful with finances at the moment.
And it’s only going to go downhill for me – bf’s cat hasn’t been with us during the kitchen renovation, but it gets worse in a few weeks when she comes back with the cat fur, nasty cat litter smell, and litter tracked all over the place. She’s fine, it’s the owner’s bad habits that are the problem. It’s bad enough my friends can’t visit because they are highly allergic to her, but as a responsible pet owner, HE should clean up after her, not me. (Note: I’m extra sensitive to smells, but he will let it go for 4-5 days before cleaning, and only at my meltdowns. Friends who can visit report it’s not just me, it’s bad.)
Post # 7
@happyheartbee: what is up with that? My Fiance lived by himself before and kept a VERY clean house. Cleaner than me. Of the two of us, he is the neater one and can clean better than me. But now that we live together, somehow all of that flew out of the window.
@kate6214: does your guy actually stick to the chore list? I have a chore list but I’m the only one reading it apparently!
Post # 8
It use to be like that with my Fiance. We sat down and had a very long talk, laid everything on the table, and then corrected the things that needed to be corrected, that being one of them. Now we share it. We have 2 kids and a 3 bedroom house. We work opposite shift (which sucks!) so I clean up the messs the kids make during the day and the kitchen when it gets messed up and he does the same thing a night. Laundry bounces between us depending on the day and how much it is… It works out for us. We both like a clean house so we both work at it to keep it that way,
Post # 9
@NJmeetsBX: I don’t know. Mine is the same way. In fact, there were times he told me I didn’t clean good enough when we first lived together. Ha! Where did that guy go?
…Wait that came out wrong. I meant I would bust him cleaning behind me saying it wasn’t as clean as he normally kept it. Not that he was just critiquing my cleaning skills.
Post # 10
Come on sisters! This is not the 40’s or 50’s . It is not your sole responsibility to clean and cook-especially if you are working outside the home and/or going to school.
This has nothing to do with who makes the most money., This is about equal division of labour and equal access to free time.
Sit down with the man, tell him how you feel, and ask him to step up. Let him identify the half of the chores that he will do and come to some agreement re how often those chores must be done.
If he acts like this before you are married, I can guarantee it’s not going to get any better after you are married.
Post # 11
I’m pretty lucky in that respect. I do most of the cleaning, but Darling Husband is more than willing to help me when I ask. Unfortunately, I don’t have any advice, because I haven’t had to deal with it. The only complaint I would say I have is that the dining room table is a landing pad for everything that comes into the house, and that drives me nuts… I don’t know what to do about that though…
Post # 12
Sit down with the man, tell him how you feel, and ask him to step up.
Alas, I have done that to no avail. He doesn’t think the chores need to be done as frequently as I do (or at all). For example,
– he used to not fold and put away laundry. He used different baskets for clean & dirty, a couch and other surfaces.
– believe it or not, in the 5 years he had lived in the place prior to dating me, he had NEVER cleaned the tub.
– he can go for days w/o cleaning the cat litter. He probably would vacumn/sweep the cat litter up once every six months.
– he used to eat take out food all the time, to avoid cooking and clean up. And shopping.
So his argument is really that none of the chores I think need to be done, need to be done. And the few he conceeds might need to be done, he thinks should be done on a FAR less frequent basis than I do (and I’m not all that particular).
Post # 13
@NJmeetsBX: Try sticking the chore list to his computer/TV screen/current reading book. If you made the list together then he has to honor that arrangement.
Post # 14
@kay01: yuch- never cleaned the tub for 5 years?????? says a lot about his idea of cleanliness.
Honestly, I can’t imagine living with, much less loving with someone with that attitude. My SO does whatever needs doing without asking. If he sees a load of laundry is in the hamper and needs doing- he does it. Same with dishes, vacuuming, dusting , grocery shopping etc.
We both work full time- we live in a condo, so no outdoor chores for him. There’s no way he would sit on his ass and let me do all the work.
If he used to spend $ to eat takeout all the time, then I would tell him that he could now use those dollars to hire someone to do his half of the chores. It is not open to negotiation that those chores need to be done. Normal people do not live out of laundry baskets, or go without cleaning the tub for 5 years.
Post # 15
I have talked to him. If I tell him when I am cleaning that he needs to come help he will. But I get irritated that I should even have to ask. If he sees something needs cleaned I think he should just do it. Why should he need an invitation to clean?
I think I will try a chart and see how that goes over.
Post # 15
My FH is messy. Has been messy and will probably always be messy. He’s gotten a tad better since we’ve been living together, but not much. This past Saturday I felt like I had to BEG him to put the clean dishes away. I was going 100 mph doing stuff for the wedding, cleaning, shopping for receptin stuff and food for dinner, cooking for our friends who were coming over later AND I had a dress fitting to go to before everyone came over. I was so tired (bad fit of insomnia) I didn’t know if I wanted to cry or scream.
Lists may not work for everyone. For awhile I would try “What time do you think you’ll be able to get _______done?” but that doesn’t seem to work these days.