(Closed) sick of fretting over BMs dropping out

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
278 posts
Helper bee

I really don’t know what to say but I can give you lots of hive hugs!

I feel for you but I feel like you shouldn’t have to pull teeth for your BMs to be there for you.  While it is great to have BMs to be there and support you through this process, I feel like perhaps it’s better to have none than to have a group of BMs that are just there for the hell of it.  If there’s even 1 or 2 BMs that have been more than great to you through this all, I’d concentrate on them.  They deserve it. 

Post # 4
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Wow, I’m really sorry.  From the sounds of it, you’ve been dealt a bad hand here.  I know babies are a big deal, but I wouldn’t drop out of the wedding in either of those scenarios.  (Maybe it’s just me.)

As for the Bm making the invitations, she was definitely self motivated.  Was she going to put her business info on the back of the invitations?  The wasy she was going about it, was definitely not "her gift to you," as she would have you believe.  But can you salvage that part by offering to pay her some just to do it the way you want?  Could she do them the way you want, and then do one up the way she wanted, to "use in her portfolio"?  However, it from the sounds of your last conversation, she might not end up being a Bridesmaid or Best Man.

I wish I had better advice for you.  Hang in there.  Hopefully you can spend more time with the two BMs who are better friends to you.  Good luck.

Post # 5
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m sorry your bridesmaids suck. I don’t think having a baby is a really good excuse to drop out of a wedding when dresses are already ordered and you’ve already said yes.

Bridesmaid or Best Man 1 should put the cookies down so she can get back into her dress or buy some Spanx. 

Bridesmaid or Best Man 2 should cut the $100 out of her purse budget if $100 is that big of a deal. 

Bridesmaid or Best Man 3 shouldn’t have offered to do her invitations if she was going to decide at the last minute, after stuff was already ordered, that she wasn’t going to be a good friend. Just b/c you do your own business or run it on the side doesn’t mean you can’t help out a friend. Plus, she could always (with your permission) use the illustration afterwards. 

They need to get over themselves, I’m sorry they are bailing and you don’t deserve that. I think their reasons are kinda poopy. I don’t think you are being rash. I’d call them up and confront them about it. Friends can do that, right? Call up your first Bridesmaid or Best Man and explain to her that YOU are now out the $100 and that is not right. Offer to help her out and go to the gym with her. Or tell her "well they can always let it out". She doesn’t HAVE to fit into it the way it is. And tell Bridesmaid or Best Man #2 that you’d really appreciate if she could budget out the $100 to be in your wedding and tell her that it is more important that she is there for you even if she can’t afford gifts and stuff. YOu want her THERE. Maybe she thinks you expect her to spend a ton of her and she’s freaking out over that. And tell your invite friend that there’s no reason the invites aren’t her if she uses your art. Not every illustrator out there uses ALL their own stuff. 

I’m so sorry your going through this. I’m pissed for you!

Post # 7
26 posts

yeah, i have some cheap friend who I’m hesitant to ask to be BMs for the same reason.  $100 is not much for a dress, why are some people so stingy???

i agree with the other comments – focus on the girls who are there for you, and you’ll have more fun! good luck 🙂

Post # 8
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

Sounds like your friends aren’t the greatest. 🙁 Wonder what crawled up their pants?

Post # 9
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

sorry to hear that. i had major Bridesmaid or Best Man disappointments — totally inert Maid/Matron of Honor and Bridesmaid or Best Man (i only had 2 ladies). like, for 6mths, they just didn’t express any interest whatsoever, but each time i asked if everything was ok, they would say yes, and like, "oh don’t be silly, of course we’re keen!"

in the end i told them to just come as guests instead, and i was lucky that i had other friends who were really helpful.
so i now have no BMs, but 1 friend volunteered to be my "honorary personal assistant" for the big day. LOL!

not sure if you wanna go the drastic route like i did, but you know, i think sometimes it’s a good thing that a watershed event like a wedding helps you evaluate the friendships you have.

the MOH/BM fiasco made me have difficult conversations with my exMOH (my former best friend), and helped me finally accept that we have grown apart despite more than 15yrs of friendship.
painful, but i’ve learnt to let go — just like moving on from a bad r/ship.

all the best! i feel for you, and hope things work out!

Post # 10
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

In my humble opinion, three weeks post-wedding, I would say don’t beg them back. Let them go. They have shown their true colors, and you are better off finding out now than on your wedding day. I had one drop out for legitimate money concerns. I never asked any of them to do anything. The dress was from a retail store and definitely re-wearable. They could wear any shoes and have their hair done any way. But still, two of the remaining three used my wedding weekend as an excuse to get out of town and hang out together (even though they live five miles from each other the 363 other days of the year). They were rude to the third bridesmald. It was like high school all over again–the problem is we are 27/28. The only regret I have from my wedding is my bridesmaid choice. I should have chosen two other girls who stepped up, unasked, and helped every step of the way. I know it’s hard now, but you truly find out who your friends are in serious times like these. Hang in there!

PS: As a graphic designer, I can use other people’s illustrations in my designs/portfolio as long as I give them the proper credit, especially since my illustration skills are not as great as my design ones. That’s just crazy talk from her. Again–cut your losses now. Go to Etsy and find a designer who will use your illustration and do what YOU want. It IS your wedding!

Post # 11
161 posts
Blushing bee

For what it’s worth. My son and daughter in law just celebrated their 10 year anniversary and said they were sorry they asked so many ‘friends’ to stand up and wish they had chosen family. (they never see those people today) My daughter is planning her wedding now and including her family in a big way. Family may not be perfect, but they’ll stick with you. 

Post # 12
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I am so sorry!! I have had some bridesmaid drama as well. Fiance and I have had a LONG engagement. I picked my bridesmaids right after we got engaged. The bm dresses had to be ordered last week and one of my bm’s calls me to tell me she has to drop out of the wedding because she can’t afford the dress. This bm has plenty of money. After she dropped out, she was leaving messages on facebook that she was buying a new mac computer and new furniture. Neither of which she actually needs. Then she was bragging about going to this really fancy restaurant where she spent $100 on her dinner. When I confronted her about it, she said that she did nothing wrong and that the reason she dropped out was because she couldn’t justify spending money to come to my wedding. Thus was a girl i have been friends with for 20 years!!! So, long story short, it sucks and I know how much stress and sadness and frustration you are going through. Hang in there, I’m sending a hug your way!

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