Post # 1
FI was a wild child. And a wild teenager/young adult. But he’s had his shit together for years now and his parents still treat him like he’s a naughty child who needs to be told what to do. He travels for work every weekend and this past weekend his parents called/texted the both of us a lot making sure he was doing what he said he was doing. That was the final straw for me.
I understand where they are coming from. I won’t go into detail but FI has had a rough past so I know they are just used to having to check up on him. However, the more they harp the worse it makes him feel. Their constant nagging is dragging him down and it makes him feel like they will never believe in him. It makes him feel like they don’t view him as an adult. FI and I are our own little unit now. We take care of each other. I know we aren’t married yet but it makes me feel like they’re over stepping.
They also call me when they can’t get in touch with him, and everytime I talk to them I have to bite my tongue to not yell at them and tell them to back off. FI has told them countless times to back off and to calm down and trust him, and it works for a while, but then they get right back to it after a week or so.
Has anyone else had to deal with this? It’s just driving me nuts. I don’t want to be disrespectful because they’re lovely people, and I have a great relationship with them other than this, and like I said I know they mean well because FI has had problems in the past, but how do we politely tell them to back off?
Post # 2
Continue proving them wrong?
My FI was a bit wild in his youth too. His parents still have the tendency to think he needs more guidance than his siblings (who are making poorer choices in adulthood than he is). He just won’t hear of it, anytime he’s treated like a child he ends the conversation, they’ve certainly gotten the hint. Overall we just don’t let it bother our lives, its their stuff. Sometimes parents cannot stop being parents.
If his parents call you, don’t answer. Set boundaries that enforce the fact that their meandering is no longer welcome or necessary.
Post # 3
MrsRoberts52: DH was also a really wild child and his siblings & mom still acted like he was up until recently. I don’t have much advice because for him it ended up being a little bit of a tift and things got kind of heated and emotional. After that causing it to come out into the open though he really just had a discussion with them, calmly and rationally stating the things that are different about him now and how much it hurt him that they still thought of him like that- how it was pushing him away from them because he wasnt that person anymore and everyone saw it but them… It seems to have worked because they don’t treat him like the wild non-stop partier he was 15 yrs ago anymore…
Post # 4
My SO put the in laws through hell in his late teens, early twenties and he’s turend his life completely around.
Luckily his parents see it. It’s been a couple of years and he’s a hardworkingg 9-5 man, saving money, long term serious partner and baby on its way.
Was there a time when they could see your FI turn around for their own eyes or did his change happen and they havn’t seen it for themselves, despite the constant telling them. How old is your FI?
I ask because if he’s of a respectful age, then what ever he’s doing, it’s none of thier buisness.
Post # 5
MrsRoberts52: What about not picking up when they call? By picking up, both you and your FI are giving into their meddling ways.
Is he the youngest? Only child? I can see why they may have a hard time letting him go, but by not constantly answering their calls that may help them realize he’s not a kid anymore. Sometimes my mom goes through a texting/calling frenzy and I have to remind her gently that I have my own daughter and can’t always be answering her calls while I’m with my daughter.
Post # 6
I don’t know your FI’s past, but coming from the other side- It is nerve wracking to be always waiting for the next call from the ER, or jail, or to be taking the loved one to rehab for the 3rd time. It is great that he has cleaned up his life, but i really think the only thing that will solve this is time.
Post # 7
My MIL is very similar – not that either of her children were wild in the past (as far as I know!) but she does still treat DH and SIL like children.
SIL – MIL had a massive go at her for spending £10 on a massage (which she never does) when she should be saving her money (SIL earns about £30,000)
DH – MIL constantly telling us to get a part of our house fixed which is non essential and won’t solve the problem we want solving.
It is really hard sometimes to not say anything especially, if your parents are like mine, you’ve been treated as a “grown up” for a long time. I think parents forget/don’t see their children as adults and think they need to protect them from themselves. Sorry, but as adults we should be allowed to make our own mistakes.
Post # 8
Yorkshirerose1991: He’s 25, I guess that’s a weird age because it’s almost too young and almost old enough haha.
mrs.joiner: He’s the oldest, they treat their daughter almost the same but her leash isn’t nearly as tight… but she wasn’t a wild child. Ugh.
I just don’t get his parents. They always get on him to be more responsible…And then they treat him like this. To make matters worse, yesterday his mom gave him $100 to help with groceries/whatever. That felt like such a slap in the face. They tell him that he needs to learn how to respect money then they try to give us money and coddle us like we’re still children. He told them we didn’t want the money. We said we appreciate it but that we don’t need help because we’re comfortable financially. She just shrugged it off and put it in his savings account. I really hate how they still try to parent him and teach him to be responsible, but treating him like this does not teach self sufficiency and independence. It’s like they don’t want him to grow up. I’m tired of waiting for them to see that he is an adult. It’s wrong to treat him this way, regardless of his past.
I’m scared I’m about to lose my cool and tell them to F off. It’s not just this, it’s everything they do. They won’t give him his social security card because they’re afraid he’ll lose it. And right now he’s at the doctors office… Guess who wanted to go with him to make sure everything was filled out correctly? What the hell!
I have seriously had it. And it’s not like FI doesn’t try to stand up for himself. He does. And every time he does they lord it over him how they’re just worried/how they’ve helped him in the past. That’s why we turned down the money. It wasn’t a gift just because. They like being in control. And I don’t want him to ruin his relationship with his parents but this is killing me. It’s like they’re waiting for us to get married so they can fully transfer his care and keeping from them to me. I’m in charge of our finances, sure, but I’m not his owner. They’ve told me how when we’re married it would be a good idea to have an allowance for him. Yeah. I don’t think I’ll make it that long before I tell them off.
How do you handle people this set in their ways and frankly, this manipulative? I want to maintain the relationship but damn if they aren’t making it hard.