(Closed) Siding with the wedding coordinator or my own family? vent..

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2086 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards

It sounds like they don’t think you can handle planning this wedding.  Instead of getting mired down in the little details like who likes what kind of vase, perhaps you need to address that larger issue. 

Tell them that you love all their help and are thrilled that this is going to be a family affair, but they’ve all had their weddings and it’s your turn to make decisions about certain elements.

 

Give them a few tasks to run with.  Think of something that might entertain them…like selecting some old family photos to display.  Throw them a few bones to keep them happy.  🙂

Post # 4
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

Why not use the wedding cordinator to your advantage and have her be the buffer between you and your family? They may ‘get it’ better from a total stranger than from you. If she’s willing and able to diffuse a potentially disastrous situation, why not let her?

Post # 6
Member
46612 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Also choose your words  carefully. Don’t say ” I don’t like that” say ” I prefer this”. Somehow it’s received a lot better when you aren’t negative about their choices.

Post # 7
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’m sorry, I stopped at “food is going to be about $1,000 for 100 people.” Man, I need to get married in Birmingham! What an amazing deal! (sorry for the random aside from the point of your post… :)) 

Post # 9
Member
1839 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@AmberFl:  seriously! what a great deal. 

Post # 10
Member
4150 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@AmberFl:  Ha I had this exact same thought!

 

OP, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this – I would be so frustrated.  I think using the coordinator as the buffer and standing your ground is the way to go.  Only a month and a half left – you’re almost there!

Post # 11
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@jmcclen1:  I had to deal with the same thing. I eventually just stopped talking to my family about our wedding. I would just answer with “I’ve already got that covered” or “mmhmm”.

At this point, if I were you I would call ALL my vendors and set up a password with them or speak to them that they are ONLY to talk to you and your Fiance. NO ONE ELSE. That way no on can change anything.

Also, your DOC knows what to expect. So she will be a great buffer. If your family gives your grief, let them know you never told them to buy you stuff and it is not your ‘fault’ they went behind your back and bought stuff.

You are about to be a married woman dear. It’s time to say “no” or learn how to not deal with nosy family members. They will try to “advise” your marriage as well.

Post # 12
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@jmcclen1:  Also, if they are not following what you want this late in the game it is time to take the bull by the horns and do it yourself dear. Take a weekend with your BMs and make your centerpieces and bouquets. I made 6 Bridesmaid or Best Man bouquts and my bridal bouquet in one day. I went to http://www.afloral.com for silk flowers and all the trimmings for them.

Post # 13
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I always think that when it comes to planning a wedding, a family is either too involved or not involved at all. Of course it’s nice for them to be interested and wanting to help, but I would 100% go with the wedding coordinator. Mothers and aunts and sisters and grandmothers always want to tell you this looks better, they try to take away a bride’s vision and they want the bride to use their visions better. But what they don’t see is that this is what you want because they aren’t planning their weddings, you are planning your own. You are definitely not being selfish about saying “it’s my wedding.” I don’t think there is a bride on this earth who has never said that, everyone says it. And a problem with having others help financially, they feel that they automatically have a say in what should be and what should not. Which is why I would pay the $1000 dollars ourselves and not have anyone throw it back at my face. And $1000 is $10,000 dollars less than a catering venue in New Jersey so youre definitely lucky on that. Your family should know that you love them dearly and appreciate their help, but they should understand that this is the most special day of your life and you want it the way you’re planning it and it’s your vision for your big day. Best of luck to you!

 

Post # 14
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

My mother does the same thing, i.e., make bad or not-at-all-my-taste suggestions and then ignore me when I shoot them down.  It doesn’t matter if I shoot her down politely or rudely.  She ignores it either way.  This is not limited to wedding planning.

So, I pretty much excluded her from the wedding planning process other than the guest list.  It was the only way to preserve my sanity.

But, I was 34 when I got married, and I’d spent a lot of time and effort setting the precedent for this sort of behavior long before I’d even met my husband!

Post # 15
Member
1281 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

This would drive me bat s*it crazy. 

It has to do with your age and your prior relationship with your family.  If they’ve been so used to mothering you and guiding you for the past 20 years then they are going to try to do the same through this part of your life- it’s what they’re used to. 

I would try to proceed from this point on with as little communication with them about the wedding as possible.  If they ask how things are going or what you’re doing, give them the minimum info.  If they throw their .02 in, tell them nicely that you prefer your idea and you’ve settled on it. 

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