Post # 1
I haven’t posted in a couple of months. I still keep up with all of you though. I check in at least once a week, sometimes a lot a lot more.
Congratulations on all of the engagements!!! Also, congrats tunacupcakes on being the new list keeper.
My update: waiting has been up and down for me. I don’t think my engagement is coming anytime soon. I had a bad waiting weekend. We went and saw lots of my family. My family keeps annoying us about getting married (and I want to!), and the first one of my cousins announced that she’s pregnant. No, I don’t want to have kids yet, but yes I do want to get married. And SO keeps saying “IF we ever get married we will….” but I want “WHEN we get married…..”. He says it about everything like “IF we ever get married, we’d do it here”. It’s never WHEN we get married. Today I feel really crappy about that. Like don’t you know I’m the one yet? After 5 years? I’m still young… so I don’t necessarily want to get married RIGHT NOW, but I do want to know that we’re at least headed along the same path.
Thanks for listening. Anyone who has gotten from IF to WHEN, I’d love your advice.
Post # 3
That DOES suck. IF? After 5 years? OUCH. Have you talked to him about how much his word choice hurts you? He may not mean it as you hear it, but it’s definitely important that you clarify!
Post # 4
After five years he should KNOW whether he wants to marry you. There might be things holding him back from asking you right now, like finances, or wanting to finish school, or not feeling quite ready for marriage yet, or maybe even not being sure how YOU feel about it. But he should be sure about whether he loves you and wants to marry you by now.
I don’t want to worry you, but it seems like perhaps it’s time to have a long, serious talk about where the two of you see this relationship going. Tell him you’ve been together too long for “if” — unless you’d be fine with never getting married — and that while you don’t expect a proposal right away or anything, you want to make sure you’re both on the same page before you go any farther. After five years, you deserve at least that. If he isn’t willing to give it to you, there are guys who would be sure about you one way or the other in much less time. It kind of sounds like he is stringing you along, from what you’re saying above. Hopefully I am just being overly pessimistic.
Post # 5
I dont think you have to worry tooo much about how long youve been with him.. Sometimes boys just dont get it! they get happy with the way things are so why fix it.. it took my FH ages to get the hint.. and id just about given up on the idea.. i had been waiting for AGES! lol it felt like it! and i just thought it wasnt a possibility! he brought it up while we were doing the washing up.. i thought he was joking.. nearly told him to stop being a d***.
i know it doesnt help you at all, but hang in there for a little longer.. drop hints back at him.. maybe casually talk to him about it.. dont sit him down to “talk”. boys hate that.. and also give him a few seconds to reply.. they usually think about what they want to say before they go to say it, unlike us who usually blurt anything out.. lol!
Post # 6
Ugh. The IF makes me cry a little each time. At first it was fun to talk about the if but now I want to know if he thinks I’m really it. I’m trying to decide if I’m going to come out and talk to him about it or not, because it is just a silly word. I just want him to know it bothers me that he says that without him feeling bad and having to watch everything that comes out of his mouth.
Post # 7
What if you were to playfully just correct him and say “you mean when
” whenever he says “if”? This might spark the conversation in a non-confrontational way. Then you can tell him that after 5 years you are sure he is the one for you. If he had any question in his mind about whether you want to be with him, this would erase all doubt and maybe make him confident enough to start declaring that you are
his future wife.
Post # 8
@WestCoast: I sorta second lizzieloverex. I wouldn’t read too much into the “If,” but I totally understand your feelings. Five years is a long time, but every relationship is different. Have you ever had serious talks about marriage and knowing that, assuming all goes well, you’re headed that direction?
Also, somewhat like what Reign14 said, how about next time he says, ‘If we get married…’ just casually asking him, “Hey babe, you think we’ll ever turn that ‘if we get married’ into a ‘when we get married?’ Not tomorrow, but I’d love to know your thoughts on it…” or something to that extent? Not sure if that would work for everyone, but I think maybe bringing it up without saying “it kills me when you say that” or something will help steer away from either making him feel bad or defensive, and hopefully open the door to some constructive but casual talks.
Hang in there!
Post # 9
Thanks gals! I think you’re all right. I do need to tell him how IF makes me feel – but maybe in a lighthearted way. I do know that he wants to be with me forever. And I also need to remember that I’ve only considered myself to be waiting for not even 9 months of our relationship.
Sometimes I have good waiting days, and sometimes bad ones. Yesterday we were out buying a gift for a close friend’s newboarn daughter in a jewelry store and we walked past the engagement ring section, and he stopped and pointed at the ring with the largest diamond he could see and said “that’s what you need right?” I said “yep” (totally kidding). And no, I hadn’t brought up marriage or anything like it since he made the IF comments when we were with family the other night.
So he does get it. And it will happen. Maybe sooner than I think… he is planning a big secret trip for anniversary, but I really don’t think it will be then.
Thanks for the advice and support as always bees!
Post # 10
Definitely tell him no more “ifs”- he should know by now— good luck honey *hugs*
Post # 11
Update: out for dinner last night, my mom starts mentioning us getting married, SO makes a joke… Home later that evening, SO brings up marriage, says one of the “IF we ever get married…” I said, “you better know if you’re keeping me by now” in a light hearted way. He said he was, then I said, well at some point I’m getting married (which is not a surpirse to him). But then after that, he was talking about lots of other wedding related things!
This is very good progress for me bees. Thanks for you’re help!