Post # 1
Just feeling down and needed to post. No new developments. 35 yo, relationship going on two years. Want kids. So does he. He is always very sweet and wonderful to me. He has no barrier save his need to “see it” and feel “more comfortable” with it. He told me in month 13 that he wanted us to get married. (I can be deliberate myself, and even I wasn’t ready to get engaged then!) I was ready to get engaged at month 17. We’re now at month 23. We have 150 miles between us. I will be moving into his guest room for a few weeks in a month to help him “see it.” He is receptive to and excited about this idea.
We had our two year online match annniversary date this weekend, and he got me a present, thanked me for dating him and said he enjoys “growing together” with me.
He is a very slow, deliberate person by nature and tends to overanalyze things.
I worry that he is stuck in overanalyzing.
I mentioned to him this weekend that we don’t have the nonsense of artificial deadlines, but that we are in a season that is of finite duration. He looked at me and smiled and said he understood that the season is finite.
I struggled w/ feelings of rejection, but I think I need not feel that way…it’s him working through his issues, and it has nothing to do w/ me. He’s very much in love w/ me.
I think he might be one of the guys who needs a push.
Post # 3
Oh, yeah, the July 21, 2012 is meaningless, and I’m not sure how to remove it…it’s from a now-discarded timeline. You understand.
Post # 4
My boy isnt an overanalyser, but he is a procrastinator so I know how frustrating this can feel!
Have you had some really good discussions about where you see all this going and what your idea of a wedding is??
Post # 5
Sigh, yes, we’ve actually discussed wedding plans in quite a lot of detail. His heart knows beyond doubt what he wants, but he tends to be on the neurotic side…about *everything* in life. I once, in a fit of emotion (ugh), set him an artificial deadline, and he was actually working with it. It didn’t send him away, he wasn’t resisting…if anything, he became even more sweet. I felt badly for setting a deadline, so I revoked it (I know, potentially stupid). I just said that we had to be engaged w/in a “reasonable time.” (I know, potentially vague.) We talked a little this weekend, and I mentioned that we don’t have the nonsense of artificial deadlines, but we also know that this season is finite. He agreed with me that this season is finite and then smiled at me. When I said that we don’t have the nonsense of artificial deadlines, he started tilting his head from side to side & making noises like he was thinking…I’m pretty sure that he was communicating nonverbally that he doesn’t think artificial deadlines are nonsensical.
A psychologically intuitive male friend advised me last night that my SO can’t come on his own, and that, deep down, he really wants me to push him, and that my SO can’t admit that to himself, much less to me. My friend also advised me that he thinks my SO is worth working with, as my SO has a kinder, gentler version of commitment phobia. “Commitment phobe” has such negative connotations, and my SO is very pure of heart. He overanalyzes, but we can’t have that much certainty about anything in life. I hope to set up a meeting with our minister for us to discuss the issue…God doesn’t call the equipped, He equips the called.
Do not fear, Bees, I do have a deadline in mind. I haven’t yet communicated the deadline to my SO, and I have to figure out how to time that communication, but, sweet as my SO is, I do have to take care of myself. I told him over the new year that if he got lost in analysis paralysis he would lose me, and that truth has not changed.
Post # 6
Hmmm…in your first post, you mention you are moving in to the guest room with your SO soon. Do you think he might be waiting to see how this goes for the 2 of you before taking the next step? Considering you say he is pretty over-analytical, I would think that this might be the final step for him to feel “ready.” You two are definitely moving forward, and as frustrating as the wait can be at times, it sounds like you 2 are heading in the right direction 🙂
Post # 7
Maybe he is planning on proposing when you move in? Maybe being so far apart from one another just wasn’t convient for an engagement? I wish you the best of luck and I hope you get a lovely engagement ring soon. I’m here if you need to message me for motivation or support. Good luck hun! It will happen!
Post # 8
Thank you, girls!
I *hope* the month in the guest room will do the trick, but I have no real idea. All we have is this ambiguous “reasonable time” limitation, and he could just as easily say he needs “more time” even after that. He has no concrete plans for a timeline, and when he talks of our married life, he just refers to it as “later.” He has said that Christmas 2012 is too long to wait to get engaged, but we’ve had some other missed timelines, so I don’t know what to make of him saying that.
I don’t think he’s planning on proposing when I move in, unfortunately. He’s made no efforts whatsoever in the ring arena…no idea what my size is or what I like. He’s not doing it on the sly, either, I know I would know that!
We had an interesting conversation last night-I’ve been feeling kind of “done” w/ the relationship lately (uncertainty + unresolved hurt from the missed timelines) and have been hesitant to raise the timeline issue for fear of pressuring him. I was not my usual chatty self on the phone, and he asked me what was wrong. I was really quiet, and he probed some more, and I started crying softly and said that the waiting is really hard sometimes. He got emotional, too, and said that he was sorry for putting me in this position and that we could talk about it and “fix it” this weekend and that he wouldn’t interpret anything I said as pressure.
Hopefully we can at least have some better communication about the issue. I can’t take just being in limbo while he does whatever it is he needs to do to get ready.
Thanks so much for the encouragement. I think I am a really lousy waiter, lol.